A Permanent Change
by tivaforever13
Summary: This story is about the summer that Ziva spends in Somalia. It will be mostly Ziva's point of view, but we also see how the team copes with her absence and what they do to get her back. This story is M rated for what happens to Ziva in Somalia.
1. The Biggest Mistake

A/N – This is a story about Somalia, and therefore it is not a pleasant story to read, or to write. But, my mind is giving me things and when it goes I must write! This is an M rated story for a reason.

* * *

**Chapter 1 - The Biggest Mistake**

**Tel Aviv, Israel**

Ziva POV

I watched him walk away from me. My first question to myself was: am I doing the right thing? My father just made me pick, again, where my loyalties lie. Eli David did not like when people were disloyal to him, he had made that very clear to me from a very young age. He felt as though I had been disloyal to him by betraying Rivkin. I had not actually betrayed Rivkin, but a part of me felt as though Rivkin betrayed me and now I had no idea who I could and could not trust.

Yes, I knew the truth about Rivkin and I had suspected that from early on. But, it still hurt to know that he was using me to help my father. I had expected better from him. I had always expected better from a man that I had feelings for. My emotions had gotten in the way and clouded my judgment once again. Were they clouding my judgment now, as I stood on the tarmac to the air field in Tel Aviv and watching Gibbs walk away?

I always chose wrong and a part of me knew that I was choosing wrong again. But, I wanted desperately to believe that my father was good; that there was a piece of him that loved me like I was still his little girl again. I had always gone looking for my father's approval, not having gotten it often as a child or a teenager. I needed to have my father's approval. I had not had my father's approval in trusting NCIS, ever. But, they were trustworthy people. Now, I had to go and seek my father's approval so I could hopefully return to them one day.

I knew that I had to find a way to return to them one day, because it hurt too much to watch them walk away now and think that I might never see them again. Gibbs, had been the father-figure that I had been lacking all of my life. It had started with the very first time that I had met Gibbs. He gave me advice and he gave me support the way that my own father never would.

McGee was like a brother. I could tease him and pick on him, the way that Ari and I used to do. But, I definitely trusted McGee. He wanted what was best for me and he was protective of me. That had not always held true, though. That had developed during my four years at NCIS. He had grown on me, I think the term was. He was now a brother when before he had just been a Federal Agent that I worked with. The transformation was not obvious at the time, but as I thought about him, I could see where it had changed and grown.

Abby was like a sister to me. I cared for her in the same way that I cared for Tali, when Tali was still alive. Abby was everything to me, but again, she had not always been that way for me. When I had first come to NCIS she resisted my presence, and was still too hurt by the loss of Kate too accept a new female team member. I knew that her and Kate had been close, but now we were too. She would be very sad when I did not return with Tony and Gibbs.

I would miss Ducky very much as well, and his stories. He always had a story. He was very much like a grandfather, I assumed, since I had never known any of my grandparents. I was raised in Mossad, and people did not live long in Mossad. I was lucky to still be alive, for that matter. Many people in Mossad who were my age were dead already. But, Ducky would be one to mourn and I was mourning already as I watched the back of Gibbs as he started to climb onto the plane, giving me one last look.

Tony, though. There was always something about Tony that was different for me. He was my partner. He was significant to me in a way that no man had ever been significant. Sure, we were friends, but we were partners too. He knew me the way no other man could have ever known me. He could read me with one look in my eyes and he always teased and toyed with me. I liked that. I valued that relationship.

It had been strained over the last several months that I was with Rivkin. He did not trust Rivkin, but he always trusted me. He always had my back. He had suggested that it was Rivkin manipulating me and not me helping Rivkin. I had not, of course, been helping Rivkin to harm NCIS. I loved NCIS. It was my home. They were my family. I realized in that moment that I made the wrong choice, but it was already too late to turn back from it.

Seeing the look on Tony's face as he looked out from the plane was too much. I nearly broke down. I would never see his face again. I would never hear his goofy movie references or his ridiculous jokes that I had pretended annoyed me to now end. I thought of him as something more than a friend. Perhaps he was my best friend in the whole world. I trusted him, certainly. Why had I told Gibbs that I did not trust this man? I did trust him. I wanted to shout it out.

I was angry now, but I was also hurt. I was hurting my family and leaving my real home to seek my father's approval once more. It was not something that I would be able to deal with easily, but now that I had made this decision I had to stick firmly to it and do what had to be done.

I could feel a tear drip from my eye as Gibbs disappeared from my sight and I looked into the eyes of Tony from the plane. I wanted to run to them and apologize for what I had said and escape from this place. Israel was not my home anymore, it was just the place that I had been born and raised. Yes, it would always be a part of who I was, but it was not my home.

How could I be so stupid? I shook my head. I had to fight here, for what I wanted, because I had made a choice. It was a stupid choice. But I made a choice. I had to do what Eli wanted me to do and I had to do it so that I could hope that one day I would see these people that I loved again.

Did I love all of them? Certainly, yes I did. It was all in very different ways. Gibbs, my father. McGee, my brother, Abby, my sister. Ducky, my grandfather. But, Tony? Did I love Tony? Yes. But what did I love him as. My best friend. My partner. My coworker. But, not a brother, certainly not a brother. As I thought about it I could feel the pain in my heart. Tony was more than all of that and I was going to deny it until the very end. I could never let myself feel that way about another man, certainly not a man who used women for sex. I would not be one of his women, that was for sure. I was going to resolve that he was my best friend and nothing more. That was it.

The door to the plane closed and I still stood there. My father would be disappointed in me still standing there and dwelling on the past. It was not like me to dwell on things, because my father had raised me to let go of such things. But, I could not help it, since this was my last goodbye to my family. That was something that my father never understood. He did not know that I had a family at all; since he had never really been a part of the family that he had created.

I was certainly very angry now. I watched the plane take off. The engine started and it was loud, but I did not care. I resolved to stand there until I could not longer see the plane that carried them back to Washington, my home. The plane sat still for another moment as the engines roared out on the tarmac.

Slowly, very slowly the plane started to go. It rolled off at less than a walking pace and slowly sped up to the speed of a car on the highway. It turned a corner to get on the runway and I watched it as it began to pick up speed. It sped faster and faster. The front end of it lifted, as though it was levitating right off the ground, then the back end followed and it went into the air, seemingly weightless.

I watched it grow smaller and smaller in the distance until I could no longer see it again, and still I stood there. I was sure my father would realize that I was lingering on old memories by now, but I did not care. My eyes were wet and I pushed the tears back. Crying was definitely a sign of weakness and the only person I could really let go in front of was Gibbs and he was on that plane that was getting further and further away from me as I sat there, waiting. What was I waiting for?

I felt a hand grip my shoulder hard and I knew who it belonged to. I was not going to give in so easily and turn around. This man was my father. I really forced back my emotions and swallowed the as best I could, because I knew that I would have to turn to face him sooner or later.

When he spoke, his words were gentle, but they were as commanding as ever. I should have expected nothing less from my father. He waited a moment before speaking and when he did, I was expecting what I got.

"You have to let them go, Ziva," he said gently. "You let them go and you must prove your loyalty to me. I will send you as the replacement for Rivkin on a very important mission. You will be going to Somalia to take down a terrorist. I will give you the orders first thing tomorrow morning and you set out that evening for your mission. Come, Ziva."

I turned and followed him. He was going to lead me to a place where I could rest and sleep for the night. I already had a mission and I had been back in Israel for less than twenty four hours.

There was a great weight of dread in my heart. I knew that this was not going to be an easy mission. I had betrayed my father and I knew that whoever I was put with, I would not be able to trust. I, hopefully, would have a partner or two, since it was going to be an impossible mission, since I had betrayed my father.

I sat down and placed my head in my hands. I was at a loss. I pulled out a piece of paper. I would write to each member of the team and let them know how much I appreciated everything they had done for me. I would send them out before leaving for the mission tomorrow night. It was the least that I could do.


	2. Broken

**Chapter 2 – Broken**

**Tel Aviv, Israel**

Tony's POV

Gibbs is standing there talking to Ziva for a long time. I want to know what's going on. I know she's angry with me, but why the hell is she taking so long? She'd better not be quitting. I don't know what I would do without her. I'm sure it will all be fine. Gibbs will convince her to come on board and come home. Is this even her home? All I was doing was having her back. I really hope Gibbs understands that.

I watched as Gibbs gave her a one-armed hug and turned and walked away from her. Her eyes were fixed on me and I could see everything from her eyes. Her eyes always told me things that she would never dare to even show on her face, let alone voice. Her eyes told me she was scared and hurt and alone. I wanted to get up and go to her, but I knew that we had to leave now. Gibbs climbed in and I looked at him.

"One short?" I asked him.

He didn't answer. I ripped my eyes away from Ziva and looked at him. He was looking sad, but otherwise unreadable. I wondered what was happening. I allowed my eyes to wander back to her.

"Boss?" I asked.

He still didn't answer. He looked away from me. Was that betrayal I saw in his eyes? Did he feel betrayed or was he betraying someone? What the hell was going on? Why was Ziva not getting on the plane.

"Time to go," Gibbs said to the pilot.

He was leaving Ziva there. It hurt. It hurt worse than anything I had ever imagined. But, I swallowed the emotions, too proud to show them on my face. I couldn't even imagine a joke or a movie reference for the moment, though I was sure there must be some moment in some movie where they leave someone good behind somewhere they shouldn't be. I hoped that it was not the end, but it certainly felt like the end. I could feel my eyes stinging with tears. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. How was I supposed to cope with all this now?

The back door to the plane began to close and I locked eyes with Ziva one last time. There were tears in her eyes and the tears welled up in my own. I did not even get a chance to say goodbye. This moment was our goodbye. This was the last time we were going to see each other, maybe forever. It was not right. It didn't sit well with me. The last time she was left in Israel she had ended up in an explosion in Morocco, abandoned by her partner.

I was tense. I couldn't sit still. The plane was moving and all I wanted to do was jump off of it before it was in the air. Maybe after it was in the air too. I couldn't leave her to her father he betrayed and manipulated her all the time. What was Gibbs thinking?

"She said she doesn't trust you, DiNozzo," Gibbs said quietly.

I lifted my eyes from the gray floor of the plane and looked at him. His eyes were sincere. He was not lying to me. I knew that already though, by his tone. Gibbs doesn't say anything that he doesn't mean.

"I was only protecting her," I whispered to him.

It was all that I could think to say. That's all I was doing. I had not killed Rivkin because I was jealous. I had killed him because he was after her and that was apparent by the bomb that went off right as I left her apartment. We were both injured in that, but I had protected her from Rivkin and from the bomb. There was nothing more I could do to make her trust me, I didn't think.

"I know that, Tony," Gibbs said. "But her father is a bastard."

"What do you mean, boss?" Tony asked.

"This is not Ziva," he said through ground teeth. "This is not what Ziva does. I know that she trusts you DiNozzo. I know that she sees what you were trying to do. I know that she knows that you have her six all the time. But, her father is manipulating her and pulling her strings, which is exactly how he raised her, exactly what he wanted her to do when she was a little girl.

"Ziva has, in her father's eyes, betrayed him and Mossad and therefore betrayed Israel, which he still considers her home. I don't think she does. I don't think she has a home right now. She is lost. She is confused. But, she needs to remember where her loyalties lie. If that means she needs to stay in Israel, then that is what needs to happen. I'm sorry if this hurts you, but it's not exactly easy on me, leaving one of my own behind. I'm sorry, DiNozzo."

"What about rule six, boss?" I asked.

"Screw rule six, right now," he nearly shouted and stomped his foot on the floor of the plane.

I glanced at Director Vance. He was keeping his eyes carefully averted from either of us and looking up at the ceiling of the plane. Apparently, he didn't like this anymore than the rest of us did. He didn't like that he was leaving one of his best agents in Israel. But, she wasn't even really and agent, I had to remind myself. Ziva was Mossad. She had always been Mossad and would always be Mossad.

She had said it to me herself, when Michael Bashan had come to America to try to bring her back home the first time and they had framed her for a crime that she didn't commit. She had said that she could not simply run away from Mossad, because that would be like betraying her family. They had thought that Ziva and I were having a personal relationship, when in fact we were really only friends and we spent some nights together watching movies.

They were simpler times. She dressed nicer. Gibbs was out of the way. And, probably had Mossad not interrupted us and Gibbs come back, it would have gone to some place more. Something special. That was Ziva. She was something special. But, it didn't seem that anyone else could see how special Ziva was. I was alone in that.

I had watched her as a man had taken her heart and twisted it around like he was playing with a puppet. And she had fallen for it. Her sense of loyalty and trust was so twisted that she had fallen for these tricks that Rivkin had used on her to get her to obey him. They were the same tricks that her father pulled on her when he wanted her to do something. I was broken now.

What was I supposed to do when I went to work next time? Was I supposed to sit across from her desk and remember all the happy memories and feel nothing at all? We had worked together for four years. That was a long time. We had worked together, joked together, flirted together, bickered together, and teased McGee together. There was no replacement for Ziva David, in my mind. I would never have another partner like her.

She was everything to me. I knew her better than I knew myself and she knew me better than anyone else. That was what made us good partners. We could read each other and we could communicate with our eyes. We were good at doing this and now it was gone. Just like that, I was reminded again, that she was Mossad and she was not a permanent thing at NCIS.

But were any of us permanent at NCIS. I thought back to a different time to when that very desk had belonged to Kate. Kate had been like a sister to me. Sure we had flirted a little, but neither of us had really viewed it as flirting. We had played jokes on McGee, but he had played jokes on us as well. No, Kate was like a sister to me. Ziva was something more. She was something special. It was hard to put words to it, because I didn't know exactly what I felt for Ziva.

I would have a long time to think about it. I didn't know what the hell to do now. The plane ride was long and silent and none of us spoke. When we landed I looked at Gibbs. He looked back at me.

"I'll see you on Monday, DiNozzo," he whispered to me. "If you need me, my door is always open."

He put a hand on my shoulder. He could obviously see that I was in pain. He could obviously see that something more was bothering me that was not bothering him. I went home. That was the only thing that I could do now. Should I call Abby? Should I call McGee? No. They would know soon enough. I went home and I pulled out the whiskey that I had not touched in a very long time. That was what I would do. I would drink it all away, then I would feel better in the morning. That was what I would do. I would take Gibbs solutions to heart and I would drink away her memory. It was all that I could do now.


	3. Messages

**Chapter 3 - ****Messages**

**Tel Aviv, Israel**

Letter to McGee

Dear Special Agent McGee,

I hope you are doing well since I have last seen you. I know that you will already know this by the time you get this letter, but I must share with you now. I am sorry to say that I chose to stay in Israel. My father has decided that I am no longer loyal to Israel, because of the things that I have done while working with NCIS. I have had such a wonderful time working with you and I view you as a big brother that I have lost. You are better than Ari was at his best, and I wanted you to know that from me, in case we never see each other again.

I know that we did not talk much, but you need to know that I view you as a brother and love you as such. You were always so supportive of me, no matter what the situation was. I thank you for that. Please, do me a favor. Take care of Abby and Tony. They will not be happy about my staying behind. Tony will go off and drink and date all of the wrong women, as he usually does when he is hurting. Please do whatever you can for him. And Abby will be hurt by my disappearance from NCIS. Please comfort her and do not let her know that I have asked this of you. She is a sister to me and I hate to think of her hurting and alone. I know none of you would leave her alone.

There is one more thing. My father will ask me to make an aliyah and fight for this country in a way that he has never asked me to before. He will send me on a dangerous mission. So, please, do not try to contact me. If I have the chance I will contact one of you when it is over. Have hope, McGee. I will try to come home when all of this is over.

Yours,

Ziva

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Letter to Abby

Dear Abby,

We are the very best of friends, I need you to know that. I have never had a friend quite like you. You are like a sister that I have long forgotten. Her name was Tali and she was very important to me. You are also very important to me. I am not returning to America anytime soon. I can safely tell you why without feeling guilty for telling this to you.

Abby, it is my father who has made me stay here. He has always had control over me. He is manipulative, which is not something that I realized before I watched them fly away without me. I am already very sorry that I have allowed it to get this far, but it is too late to change it. I will be going on a very dangerous mission, though I do not know to where yet. If you have the opportunity to covertly stick your nose in where it does not belong, please do that for me. I need someone watching my back and I fear that I have hurt Tony too much to ask him that.

Abby, look out for the team. They will need you, especially Tony. I have hurt him too much this time. You should have seen his eyes as he realized I was not getting on the plane. I am truly sorry for hurting him and I hope that I will have the chance one day to repair the situation, though I am not sure I will survive the summer. I have disobeyed my father and there are always severe consequences for that. I love you, Abby. Hold on for me.

Ziva

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Letter to Gibbs

Dear Jethro Gibbs,

Hello again. The last time I spoke with you it was not under happy circumstances and I know that I have betrayed your trust in me. I did not do it of my own accord. I wish there was a way that I could assure you of that. You have met my father, yes? He is a bastard. He manipulates me. I know that you left me here so that I would have time to think and now it is too late for me to change whatever is to come my way.

I am sorry that I chose all of this. I am very sorry that I did. I know, rule six, never apologize it is a sign of weakness. Well, then call me weak, Gibbs, because I am weak. I have fallen for my father's tricks again and have never been strong enough to stand up to him. It is now at the expense of my heart and my true family that is at NCIS. I will miss each and every one of you. I need you to know this, so please, keep reading.

I do not often get into personal conversations with you, Gibbs, because I know how you feel about details. You think that they are not important as long as you can read the person. And, honestly, I would just allow you to read me if it were as simple as taking the next flight to Washington to let you do just that. However, nothing is that simple in my life, it never has been. I have never been given a choice, the only choice I have ever made was to join your team four years ago.

I need to come clean about something, because I am sure that my father will let it out if he thinks I am gone. Gibbs, I did have orders to kill Ari. Originally my orders were about six months before he ever went to America. He was causing problems in Morocco and all over the Middle East. My father had told me that he had joined Hamas for real and was working against Mossad. I did not believe him and it was the only time that I actually defied my father. I have never found the strength to do so since.

When Ari went to the Unites States he told no one about it and I did not catch up to him on time to get him before he killed Caitlyn Todd. I am very sorry that I was not there to save her. I have heard a lot about her from all of you and I had a file on her. She was a good woman and a better agent. I am extremely sorry for your loss of her. I should have followed orders when I was supposed to. If I had she would still be alive.

However, when I arrived in America, I was told to kill Ari to gain your trust. I was not going to do that. If I had, he never would have been in your basement with your sniper rifle that day, Gibbs. I never would have learned what I did about my father that day and his words still haunt me as I sit here writing to you.

I did not kill Ari because they were orders, Gibbs. I need you to know that. I wanted to find out if he was innocent or guilty, though I had a suspicion that he was guilty long before the moment in your basement. I agreed to go with you that night, because I honestly did not want him to kill another NCIS agent. I hoped you were wrong, but I knew it was a fools' hope. I knew that he was going to show up, and I knew that I was going to have your back.

I did not agree to this because of my father's orders, although they did comply with his orders. I agreed to this because there was something about you Gibbs. There was something very fatherly about you when I met you. I could see it in your eyes and yes, I knew about Shannon and Kelly. I knew what you had lost and I could see in you that you were a better father than mine had ever tried to be. It was unfair for you to lose them. I would not lose you to my brother.

With that said, I am sorry that I was not honest with you about it earlier. I hope that you can forgive me for not sharing it with you, but you know that personal matters are not easy for either of us to talk about. As for the other personal things that you do not want details on, I have some things I want to share with you.

Tim McGee is like a brother to me. He is a better brother to me than Ari was at his best moments. And for that I am eternally grateful and will not forget how he was protective over me even when he was terrified to death that I might hurt him. I trust time with my life. He will not be happy with me for leaving NCIS, but he will do the brother thing and understand why I did it, though he will never say it. I know that McGee's father is much like my own and I admire Tim for getting away from him as much as he could. If I survive this mission, I think I will use Tim as my shining example of what to do.

Abby is like a sister to me. She will never replace Tali and I know that, but she often reminds me of the spirit that Tali had when we were children. Abby is always upbeat and positive. I love that about her. Please, take very good care of her. She will be very hurt over my absence. I remember what the loss of Kate did to her and I am sorry for that, as I feel it is my fault for not following orders. I know what you are going to say, "He was your brother, Ziva, you have no reason to be sorry." I thank you for the wisdom you would share with me. It is a comfort. Abby will make it known to all of you that she is pissed off with me and upset with me. Please, try to make this better for her.

Ducky is the grandfather that I never had. Please help him through this. He will be troubled. And Palmer will not be happy either, so help him as well. Have their backs, please, Gibbs.

Tony is another matter. I have betrayed Tony the worst of all and I think we both know what that will do to him. I am not sure what Tony is to me, Gibbs, I do not know how to describe it accurately. I have never trusted a man the way that I trust Tony. I can tell him things, though I often choose not to. I told him about Tali the first time that I met him, when you asked him to follow me before I killed Ari. I knew I could trust him then.

I have deduced that Tony has commitment and trust issues, which is why he acts as he does and uses a woman for a night and moves on. He is afraid of a committed and monogamous relationship. Perhaps there was something with his mother or something with a woman when he was a younger man. I do not know and I do not wish for the details, though I am curious. Tony trusted me. He trusted me to have his back and he trusted me enough to be serious with me on several occasions. For that I am eternally grateful.

Tony was very protective of me and I often showed annoyance at it, but deep down I was grateful. No one has ever watched over me the way that Tony has in the past. I always felt safe with Tony and that is not something that I have ever felt (safe with any man). I was always glad to know that he was there to protect me.

In the most recent months he was trying to protect me from Rivkin. Rivkin had orders to follow me, date me, seduce me, and bring me home to Israel. I had orders to help Rivkin, though at the time I did not know that Rivkin's orders were all about me. I had orders to trust Rivkin, because his heart was in the right place. I trusted these orders because they came from my father, and I wanted to believe that my father was good.

Tony was onto Rivkin and I knew that he was right. I knew that Rivkin and my father were manipulating me, I just wanted to believe otherwise. When I walked into my apartment that day I knew that Tony was hurt and I was extremely concerned and sorry that I did not have his back. I wish that I could have showed him that, but I have a hard time opening up. I knew that Tony must have had a good reason for killing him and I am sorry that I did not share that with him. But, so recently after being betrayed by Rivkin I knew that I could not attempt to open up to Tony and try for his trust, though I know now that I could trust Tony.

As I have said, I betrayed Tony the worst. I used him as an excuse for you to leave me here, because I wanted to please my father and not hurt you. I do not know if there is anything I can say to Tony that will make this better. Well, I know the words, but I cannot share the words with you or him because they are deeply personal to me and not something that I am sure I can share. They are mine and I have to guard them with my life.

Tony will feel betrayed. He will be shocked and hurt by the words that I told you on the tarmac at the airfield. You already know this. You have already seen this, because you do not lie to your agents, your family. That is what I do. I was raised to lie and hide the truth and my emotions. I wish I could change that and I will work on it in case I ever see you all again. This is my first attempt at the truth and I know this is a long letter, but I have to tell you everything so that you know.

Tony will not be himself without me there. The loss of Kate was abated by me being there. My loss is deeply personal to him. My hurtful words are deeply personal to him. Do not be fooled by our act, I know how Tony feels about me. I have just been too afraid of this moment to share it with him on how I feel and what I want. This is the moment I was afraid of. I was afraid that my father would yank the chain and have me home. I was right.

Tony will resort to drinking. He will drink heavily and he will not be himself. He may even give up his jokes and his childish behavior that he often hides behind. He will be too deeply hurt to hide, just as I am too deeply hurt to really hide. I am not myself Gibbs and my father knows it. He will use that to his advantage and I am afraid for the first time in my life.

Be there for Tony, please. Reassure him. Comfort him. But, be realistic with him. I will probably never see you or him again and the thought that I cannot apologize to him is what hurts me the most. I have hurt him and created a mess. But, I will be sent away on a mission that I will probably not survive, you know my father. This is my punishment for betraying him and not remaining loyal to only him.

I did not intend to say this, Gibbs, but I think I love Tony. Not as a brother, or a coworker, or a partner, or a friend. But I think I have somehow, over the last four years, fallen in love with Tony. It is too painful to think about never seeing him again and whatever happens, I will NOT betray NCIS and I will not stop fighting for my life. I want to see you, McGee, and Abby again. But, I need to see Tony again. I need to make things right between us again. I am sorry that this got so personal, I know how you feel about personal and details.

I am giving you the letter that I have written for Tony. Please give it to him when the time is right. I want you to read it also, so that you know what I say to him. He will not read it while he is so angry. But, you will know when the time is right to give it to him. Please, do this for me, even though I have betrayed your trust more than once. I love you as a father Gibbs and I hope that you can forgive me for hurting everyone. You are the father that I have always known that I could never have. Thank you for everything that you have done for me.

Here's to hoping we meet again.

Ziva

* * *

Ziva had started to shed tears as she wrote the letter to Gibbs. There was evidence of tears on the page and she did not bother to hide the tears since she was alone. It was late at night and she had one more very difficult letter to write. She pulled out a new piece of paper and spilled a few tears on it before ever beginning. This was the most difficult of all of the letters she would have to send.


	4. Runaway Emotions

**Chapter 4 - ****Runaway Emotions**

**Tel Aviv, Israel**

I sat there, crying on the blank page for several minutes before picking up her pen again. What am I supposed to say to this man? I knew why I was so hurt over this and I had to admit something to him? I had told Gibbs. Gibbs would know. He would know, but could I really tell Tony all that in one letter? I was sure I could work my way around it. I knew that Tony would not see it until Gibbs knew that he was ready to read my words. I started by dating the page, since he would not see the letter right away.

* * *

Dear Tony, my little hairy butt,

I do not really know what to say to you, but I am going to try my best to explain myself and apologize properly for the way that I have hurt you. Let me start by explaining my reasons and then telling you what I know.

My father is insufferable. My father is a manipulative bastard, Tony. I have subconsciously known this for a very long time. I was raised to fear him and want to please him. I was raised to think that he was doing the right thing by training me to be a killer. I never wanted to kill. I never wanted to be Mossad. But, my wants did not matter to my father and I wanted to please him.

With that said, he feels as though I have betrayed his trust and I was disloyal to him, Mossad, and Israel over the last four years. He is very angry with me and he is going to punish me in the worst way that he has ever punished me. I am certain that he will send me on a mission that is meant to be my sentence of death in a slow and painful way. That is the way he would handle this with any other officer and I have never received special treatment because I was his daughter.

Eli David does not care about me as a daughter. He never has. I was always a weapon in the making to him. That has not changed. Now I am a disloyal and untrustworthy weapon. What do you do when your gun becomes out-dated and untrustworthy? You dispose of it and by a new one. Well, I will be disposed of, Tony.

Why is this important? Because I have finally fully realized that. It took me making the wrong decision one more time to realize this, but I do realize this. I chose to stay in Israel because again I needed my father's approval for who I was. I needed his love. I have never had his love, though and I realize now that I never will. I never honestly believed that I could trust his words. For instance, I know that you did not kill Rivkin out of jealousy. You killed Rivkin because your life was in danger and therefore mine was as well, since I was your partner.

Tony, you have always put my needs and safety ahead of your own. Time and again you have put your life and job at risk for me and I do not even know how to properly thank you for that. I am eternally grateful for what you have done for me on the job. I would not be alive today if it was not for you, and therefore I would not have finally learned what my father was like if it were not for you.

I said something to Gibbs, and I am sure you have already heard it. These words hurt you deeply and I know that. They have betrayed your trust in me and I know that too. I did not know it when I said them at the time. But the hurt expression on your face as I stood out there and waited for your plane to depart told me that these words would hurt you worse than anything else I have said or done.

I am sorry. I do trust you, Tony. I do trust you with my life. I trust you with my safety. I trust you with my heart. My heart is personal to me Tony. No one has ever earned a place there. Not even Rivkin. I pretended to love him and my reaction that day was all wrong. It is not what I wanted to do. It was a defense thing… mechanism, maybe the word is. I am not sure. I wanted to guard my heart from you, Tony. I wanted to hide what I was really feeling.

I was worried about you. You were injured and it was my fault for allowing Rivkin to get too close. I was hurt because I allowed Rivkin to get too close. You were hurt because of this and I am sorry. You are more hurt by my words. Why did I say them? That is what you would ask, yes? Well, I said them because I needed an excuse to say. Honestly, if I had said it about McGee Gibbs would know it was a blatant lie. If I had said it about Gibbs I would definitely have earned a head-slap. The words were convenient and hurtful in the most painful way I can now imagine.

I already miss you more than I can say and it has not even been twenty-four hours since you left. I nearly lost control of my emotions as the plane flew away. I have already lost control of my emotions long before I began this letter to you. I do not know what to do, Tony. I am terrified for the first time in my life and I wished I had my partner at my back to keep me safe, like you always do.

I know that you are hurt by what I said and did and I know that there is little that I can say and do now to abate that feeling. I have betrayed you and you trusted me. I have hurt you when you had given your heart to me to hold. I am sorry that I broke it. I am sorry that I had to shatter that. I need to explain something else to you.

You have given me many opportunities to open up to you about how I feel, which I am not sure I am ready to reveal as I sit here and write to you now. You have given me the opportunities and I joked and washed it away. But, honestly, my feelings for you are something that I have never experienced before. They scare me. My reliance on you scares me. My need to have you there to feel safe scares me. It is not who I am to need another, but I am starting to see that it is not a bad thing with you.

I knew that this moment could happen at any time, Tony. That is another reason that I did not open up to you. I knew that my father could pull the plug, or Vance could give up on the Liaison position. He did that once and it broke my heart to return to Israel. Now, it is my own fault that I am here. But, had I disobeyed my life would be in danger. Mossad does not take lightly to betrayal. I am not sure which would be worse. Should I have chosen to be happy and live in fear knowing the end was near? Or should I have stayed here and broken my heart and yours and know that my life would be miserable and short? I am uncertain of what the right decision was, but I have made a decision and I need to see it through to whatever end, unless I see an escape.

This is no way for me to live, Tony. I hate what Israel has done to me. I do not hate my homeland, but I do hate Mossad and my father. I still love the man, because he is my father, but I hate Eli David. I cannot live in misery and fear never seeing my true family again.

I will tell you something that I know. Eli will give me a mission. He will call it an aliyah, a return to the homeland, a moment to prove that I am a devout Jewish girl who is devoted to Israel. He will give me this mission and it will be difficult. It will be nearly impossible to complete and come out alive. It will change me and I wanted to share this with you before I am changed or dead.

I do not know what this mission is nor do I really want to know. But I know that my chances of coming out of the mission are slim. Tony, you need to know that I will not give away information of NCIS or any of my family there. Gibbs, Abby, McGee, Ducky, and Palmer are my family. But, you Tony, you are something so much more than that. I will not betray you again the way I have now. I will not do something so blatantly painful on purpose again. I will do my best to protect you the way that you have always protected me. It does not matter what happens to me from this moment forward, my job is to protect you and NCIS.

I will promise you that I will do whatever I can to survive this and if I do survive this I want to find a way out. I want to see Abby, McGee, Ducky, Palmer, and Gibbs again. But, Tony, I need to see you again. I need to apologize properly. I need to tell you everything. I need to open up to you (which could actually take a long time). I need to hear your voice one more time. I do not know how I can make this possible, but I will do everything in my power to make it so. If by some chance you come to find out that I have died, or you hear that I have died before this is possible, please know that either I fought or I am still fighting. Please have hope, because I would not lose hope that you fought, since you have always fought for me. I will fight for you now. It is my turn to repay those favors, and not out of duty, but out of loyalty to you and my home and family at NCIS.

Tony, you were always too good to me, but I think I understand why. I think I am beginning to get it. I will remember you forever and always. You will always hold a special place inside my heart that no one else has. I am leaving my heart with you in this letter and I hope that you take care of it, though it may be highly changed if we are to see each other again. And, if that day ever comes, please be patient with me, because a lot will have changed and I will be broken and damaged.

I do not want you to wait for me, though. I just want you to guard my already damaged heart. I want you to know that you are now the wall that I put around it. This is far too much of me to ask of you and I know that, but I hope that you can have my six one last time and guard my heart for a while.

I will sincerely miss you the most of all of the team, but do not tell them that. Gibbs will know already, but he doesn't need to hear it again. I honestly hope that we meet again someday Tony. Always,

Ziva

* * *

The page was smudged with tears, but it was still readable. I moved it away from me and started putting them in envelopes. I carefully put Tony's and Gibbs' in the same envelop and wrote the addresses on them. What more was there to do? I only had to wait for my assignment to come in the morning and then I would have to let her walls back up when I had visitors.

I pulled out a picture that I had of me and Tony at a crime scene smiling at one another. I had taken the picture from Abby's lab and hoped she would not miss it much. And I finally saw things clearly for the first time. It was as though I was a stranger looking at the picture. The two there clearly loved each other. It was in their eyes.

I wanted to hope that Tony was not hurting as much as I thought he was, but I could not bring herself to hope that and with that thought, the tears came even faster and I began to sob. I wanted Tony and that was it. I wanted Tony to hold me the way he did when Gibbs had retired. I wanted Tony to be my rock one more time while I processed all of this and I wanted Tony to say it was going to be okay, like he always reassured me.

My face was soaked with tears by the time I decided it was time for bed. I could not even wipe the tears away fast enough. My face was only soaked again moments later. My sides and stomach felt as though they were ripping out from the inside. My heart felt shattered. The pain in my chest and stomach was unbearable and I grabbed at my middle, as though it were about to fall apart. Nothing in the world should hurt that much. I had been tortured before and even that was not this bad. The internal pain was definitely worse than the external pain. And, this was the first time I had cried that hard since I was a little girl.

Sleep never took me that night and I knew the next day was going to be hard. I knew that I would not get much sleep before leaving on the mission again. I felt sick already, knowing what I had coming to me. I felt sick at what I had done to Tony and Gibbs. I felt sick at the horrible person that I was. I felt sick at what my father had made me do. But, I had to move forward.

By the time the light of day ever came around, the tears had all been cried out, but I knew there would be more to come the next time I was alone. I knew that I was not done crying and I was not likely to be done crying any time soon.

I crawled out of my bed and made some coffee. I grimaced at the changes. I usually drank coffee with cream and sugar and now it was black, because I was used to getting it on the go. I winced as it scalded my mouth and I sat on the couch and stared at the plain white wall of the condo that I was sitting in.

This was not my home. My home was NCIS. My family was NCIS. My heart, as I had said, was in Tony's hands. I hoped he would guard it well. I would not trust anyone here and I knew that. I would never find another man like Tony, and I knew that too. But, I also knew that something difficult was coming my way. I finally understood what Gibbs said about a gut feeling. If I survived whatever was coming it would change me in unexpected ways.


	5. Orders

**Chapter 5 - ****Orders**

**Tel Aviv, Israel**

Ziva's POV

I sat back down on the couch and sipped at the coffee that I had just made. I did not want to be awake and I did not want to notice that the sun was up. I did not want to be here. I wanted to call Gibbs. I had already placed the envelopes in the mailbox outside and waited. After about ten minutes of silence there was a knock on my door. I stood up, with my gun at my side. I was in Israel and my actions and instincts told me that.

I peered through the whole in the door to see my father and Malachi Ben-Gidon standing there. I opened the door without lowering my weapon, so they could see that I was back for good. The mask was up and it did not look as though I were devastated. It did not appear as though I had been crying, I hoped.

"Ziva, put that gun away," my father ordered.

I put the gun back at my hip, where I was now used to keeping it from my time in NCIS. I stepped aside and allowed them into the barren living room of the condo I was staying in.

"You might have furnished it a little better, my Ziva. It looks as though it is temporary for you," Eli said.

"Did you expect me to expect to hang around?" Ziva asked, narrowing her eyes.

"No," Eli said firmly and emotionlessly. "I have your orders. They are verbal this time, because this is a dangerous mission. Sit down, both of you. You need to understand these orders well."

I looked at Malachi. He was going to be my partner and the person who I had to entrust with my life. That was nauseating. I shifted uncomfortably on the couch, moving a little further away from Malachi.

"Here it is," Eli said. "You two are going to head out tomorrow for Jordan. You will go by car. There, you will meet up with a supply ship, called the Damocles. It will be at port in Aqaba. This ship will head south past the Horn of Africa into Morocco. You will then head north toward Somalia. Once you are in Somalia, you must abandon vehicles and go on foot with plenty of water. You are to find a man by the name of Saleem Ulman. He is a terrorist and wants all of Israel gone. We are to find him and kill him. There will be teams nearby awaiting your signal for extraction.

"Once the job is done, then you two will return home as heroes. Ziva, you must know, this is your aliyah," Eli reminded her. "I want you both to know how dangerous this mission is. The people of the Damocles are not to be trusted and then you have to actually get to Somalia. The chances of your survival are slim. Get ready. You leave tomorrow at 0400."

Eli left with Malachi following behind. I looked at my phone. I wanted more than anything to call Gibbs and tell him what I was doing. I wanted more than anything to let him know that this was not what I wanted and these were not the people I trusted. I was scared and I could not tolerate that. I knew that starting tomorrow my life was over. I would not survive this mission and it was my punishment for being disloyal to Eli. But, I would not be disloyal to anyone else, just Mossad. If they wanted information on Mossad, that was fine. If they wanted information on the US or NCIS, forget it.

That was in case I was captured and kept alive, because I could read that there was more in my father's thoughts. I could read that he wanted them to capture me, that he was daring them to capture me. But, I knew that if I was captured I would be on my own. I would not have Malachi at my back, because he would run, just as a Mossad Officer was supposed to do. I wished that I could have Tony at my back like all the other missions that we had completed together. This would not be easy with or without Tony.

I was currently having a staring match with the phone that was sitting on the table in the middle of the room. One text message couldn't hurt, could it? I was not so sure. But, who would I send a message to? Tony would not read it, surely. Perhaps Gibbs? I continued to stare at the phone. I did not know what to say.

For thirty five minutes I stood there staring at the phone, sipping at my coffee, feeling the sting in my eyes again. What had I done? Why had I done it? What was wrong with me? By the time they got those letters I might already be dead!

I did not move a muscle as someone knocked on my door again. I did not care who it was. I did not want to know. Nor did I wish to know anything for that matter. I already felt like I was a prisoner somewhere and I was stuck doing what I was told, as I always had when I was a child. I felt like a small child now.

"Ziva, it is Adam," a man's voice said.

I shook my head and composed my face, still staring at the phone.

"It is open," I said quietly.

Please, let it be anyone else, someone to kill me. I do not wish to do this assignment. Saleem Ulman is a very dangerous terrorist and would do so many terrible things to me. Please let me die now.

The door opened and I did not turn. I did not care who was there. There was a gasp behind me. It was Adam. He had never known me to stand with my back to any door or window, let alone look as though I were in a trance over a phone. He moved around in front of me, but luckily for him did not block my view with the phone that was sitting on the table.

"Ziva?"

I said nothing. I continued to stare at the phone and fight the emotions that were too much inside me.

"I heard about your assignment," he said quietly. "I was wondering what was going on?"

I shook my head slightly.

"You are not allowed to speak of it, I know," he whispered. "I was hoping that you would refuse the assignment."

I shook my head again.

"Damn it, Ziva! Why are you acting like a martyr! This will solve nothing! You will not kill Saleem Ulman! Refuse the mission for yourself!"

"I cannot," I whispered. "I was not given a choice."

He stormed out as quickly as he had walked in.

* * *

I risked a glance at the clock. It was twelve in the morning. Noon in Washington. I sighed. I closed the distance between me and the phone. I picked it up. I looked at it and knew that it was empty.

Slowly I opened the message composer and set the language to English. Then, I typed very slowly the number of Gibbs cell phone. When I was done with that I slowly typed out a message.

"Somalia might be my end. I have no choice."

I read it fourteen times before I hit send. Then it was done and I threw the phone before packing again, preparing to leave once and for all. I could feel the tears burning in my eyes and knew I had less than four hours to be ready and gone from Tel Aviv for the final time.


	6. Welcome to the Damocles

Disclaimer: I do not own NCIS, and I do not own most of the conversations in this chapter. But, I feel it is necessary to get the full experience, including what is already known based on what we have seen in the show.

**Chapter 6**

**Welcome to the Democles**

**Aqaba, Jordan**

Ziva's POV

I was dressed casually in the hotel, there was no turning back now, and I knew that. I was already mostly dressed, I was just adding the finer parts of my wardrobe; the parts no one saw. I was placing my weapons for later use if necessary. One gun at my hip. One gun at my ankle. Two knives at my hip, one knife at my thigh, one at my rib cage. I was ready for anything, literally, and this was overboard even for me. Two guns and four knives was a big much. I usually stuck with two guns and one knife. But, this was Mossad and there was nothing safe about working with Mossad, something I realized after joining NCIS for a while.

NCIS was safe and unchallenging, but exciting still. I had enjoyed my time there. I had had all of my excitement without the drastic measure of danger that accompanies many of my assignments, this one to be the most dangerous of all. I preferred the case-work, the investigation, the calm interrogations, and even the chases to this. This was just too much danger all in one assignment.

I rechecked to make sure I had everything I would need. I placed the rucksack on my shoulder and moved out of the room to see Malachi waiting for me rather impatiently.

"Took you long enough," he said. "Did NCIS teach you how to get ready. You do not have the luxury to take too much time here, David."

"And you, Ben-Gidon, should know that the majority of my time was spent on choosing my weapons carefully," I retaliated coldly.

He gave me an emotionless smirk and began to walk away from me, knowing that I would follow, since my life depended on it, no matter what I chose now. I might actually survive this mission if I was very lucky.

We walked silently and soundlessly through the dark streets of Aqaba to the dockside. We looked out at what there was to see there before we entered the docks. Some of the crew of the Damocles was sitting right at the dock, drinking and playing cards. I sighed, since I wanted a buy on the ship. We met with Shalev as we got there. This was his move to make.

He sat at the table and started to talk to the captain of the ship. When the captain told his friends to come out from the shadows we did. His men pulled out their weapons.

"That is no way to begin a relationship," I said matter-of-factly.

"Cup of tea?" the man asked, looking as though he was amused with a cigar sticking between his fingers.

I really wanted to laugh about that, because it reminded me so much of Ducky. That was exactly what he would have offered me. I quickly controlled my expression and replied. "Thank you," I said.

"My own blend, a family tradition," he said as he reached for a copper kettle and poured a cup of tea for me. "You are a woman."

"You're a genius," I said factually, without showing any emotions and scanning the area for any signs of a threat. I was definitely on high alert now that the mission was in progress.

"I have no problem with women," he told me, handing me the cup. I reached out and took it, meeting his eyes again. "But, I cannot vouch for my men."

"I am not paying you to assure my safety," I said shaking my head and looking around at the men. They were no threat.

"What are you paying me for?" he asked, staring straight at me.

"Passage and discretion," I said, without showing the emotions. I felt like a book. This was no way to work or live and I was already sick of it.

"The second I can guarantee," he said, sitting back in his chair. "As for the first?"

"To Somalia," I said easily, taking a sip of the tea.

"You have been misinformed," he said. "The Damocles is headed for Muscat."

"That is not true," Malachi said. "You lie."

The men moved in a little closer and gripped their guns a little tighter. We were still relaxed though and my hands remained at my sides, where my weapons were easily reached. But, I knew that if they decided to fire right then, we were all dead. This was more dangerous than I had suspected upon first taking the assignment.

"To protect his crew, of course," I said, informing Malachi of the reality of it.

"Shalev, my friend. What offense have I done that you would sell me such people?" the captain asked.

"There money is good," he said.

"All money is good." He unzipped the bag and looked at the money filling it and looked at me. "Welcome aboard. We leave tonight."

And that was the way of it. We were on board and given one room. I placed my rucksack on the bottom bunk, giving Malachi the top. I pulled out the picture of Tony and sighed then put it back away. There was no point on dwelling on the past and I knew that. I controlled the expression on my face and continued on doing what I was doing. Sitting and thinking, that was all there was to do until the ship left and got on its way. Even then, I had nothing to do until we went to Somalia.

"Something is on your mind, Ziva," Malachi noticed.

"There are many things on my mind, none of which concern you," I informed him patiently as he sat down next to me.

"Why is it that you must always take the bottom bunk?" he asked with an entertained expression on his face. "Every time you are on a ship it is so."

"Is it not my choice?" Ziva asked. "After all, am I not the primary person of the mission?"

"You are, Ziva," he said quietly. "But, I should remind you that you have been softened by America. You could find yourself in danger in the middle of the night on the bottom bunk. If you are on the top you have a better chance at survival aboard a ship such as this."

"I, Malachi, can still awake quickly at need. If you do not trust that, then test it yourself tonight, at your own risk. If you do anything I disagree with, I will have you know that I shall kill you," Ziva said. "I know that this is Mossad and we must do what is ordered of us, but you are below me and I am technically your Control Officer, which means that I have the lead. Since there is no contacting my father, I thought I should warn you that you best not try anything against me or against my will. I will choose, just as I have chosen our bunks."

"I will keep that in mind."

* * *

"The crew is sitting down to eat," Malachi informed me as he came back in while I was checking my gun that was more obvious. "Ziva, are you coming?"

"Not hungry," I said. I honestly felt sick. Not because we were at sea, but because I missed too much the past to eat. "You do not need to make friends with the crew."

"We need their trust," he told me.

"And breaking bread will ease their nerves," I told him.

"At the moment it is not their nerves that concern me," he told me.

"Have you ever seen a snake shed its skin and then try to crawl back into it?" I asked him. "It is _not_ natural."

"You do not need your old skin," Malachi informed me. "It is who you are inside. Just relax. Let it grow back…. The Americans left you, Ziva. Your family never has."

He walked away at those words. He was reading me better than I thought he was. They did leave me, but I made them leave. He did not know the half of it. He did not know that many times I had been left on a mission or an assignment. He did not know that many times I had been left and thought for dead. In Mossad no one ever had your back. It was Tony that I thought of next.

Tony always had my back and I wished that if I had not choice but to go through with this assignment, it was him that I went through it with. But, he was not here and it was not possible to get him on this assignment. They would leave me and I had that feeling. I already felt as though I was abandoned. It was the way of things. I would not make it out of this unchanged and I knew that, just as he thought he knew that Mossad was natural to me. It was not. Investigating came naturally, not killing. It was not right to just kill.

I decided to go down to dinner. There was nothing more that could be done. With one more look at the picture I had of Tony, I sighed heavily and knew that I might not see him again. I wiped away the stray tear that found it's way to my eye and walked to dinner with the others.

Dinner was eaten in silence while we stared at each other. The other one, Shalev was there as well, and I did not know him as well as I knew the others, but he did not appear to be Israeli or anything else. I did not know from where he came and I instantly did not trust him. I did not know what else could be done about that.


	7. Fight and Flight

**Chapter 7 - ****Fight and Flight**

**Somewhere in the ocean**

Ziva's POV

**_"I would sooner die than take this necklace off," I said and pulled on a chain around his neck. "You ought to know." They were dog tags._**

Those words rang out in my head as I looked at him now. He saved my life as I hesitated. Why did I hesitate? I hesitated because I didn't want to be a killer. I didn't want to kill when the captain's eyes were pleading me for his life. But, he was going to shoot and Shalev shot him first. We circled one another for a short moment, studying the other and staring into each other's eyes, as though testing each other's loyalty.

"Did you sell us out?" I asked him.

"If I had, what would be stopping me from pulling the trigger?" he asked.

Four shots rang out through the ship and the last of them hit Shalev in the head. He fell to the ground and my heart nearly broke. Malachi was up above me, looking down and holding onto his bleeding arm. I nearly broke then.

I took one last look at the man who had saved me and it hurt to know that he was a good man and a Marine. It hurt to know that someday NCIS might be dealing with his death and how he had died. At least I knew that they would solve the case appropriately and I would not be blamed in the end.

I found Malachi and kneeled down beside him.

"Go, Ziva," he said. "Go on without me and get to land. Then, call your father. The ship will sink sooner or later."

"Malachi, I learned something in America," I said quietly to him.

"And what did the Americans teach you that might be useful when you are on a doomed ship in the middle of some ocean, who knows how far away from Somalia?"

"They taught me a rule," I explained. "It is rule number one. Never screw your partner over. Which means that I am not leaving you here to die. I might not trust you and you might not do the same for me, but you are my partner today and I will not screw you over."

Malachi's eyes widened as I recited this. He knew that this was something that we should all live by, as long as we were going to live in peace with each other at Mossad, which is not the way things were done. But, he had never heard anyone do this or seen it happen. He was also stunned at my blatant honesty that I did not trust him. That was not something that someone in Mossad talked about, not any kind of trust in any way. We just did our jobs and continued on, without talking so much about it.

We sat in a life-raft for two days and made it to Mogadishu, Somalia. I looked at Malachi as we were finally on dry land. He had his arm wrapped in a pillowcase and he was looking at me as though he was thinking that he was going to be getting ready for a good fight.

"You should stay here," I said to him.

"You are not going alone," he reminded me. "You saved me and you will not go in there alone."

"My father said at any cost," I told him. "That means if we were to call him right now and ask him what to do, I could guarantee that he would want me to continue on without you. If you would prefer that I call him to double check, I can do that as well."

"Please, Ziva," Malachi said. "I will not let you go in alone."

"Fine, I shall call him," I said.

I pulled out the satellite phone that we had taken from the ship. I dialed the number for my father and waited as the phone rang and rang. Finally, I heard someone answer it.

"It is Officer David, I need to speak with my father," I said to his secretary, as I knew it was since there was no answer from anyone on the other end.

Three minutes later there was an answer to my request.

"Ziva, why are you calling me in the middle of an assignment that is supposed to be under deep cover?" Eli's voice rang through the phone angrily.

"Malachi is injured," I said to him. "Our other companions are dead. I wanted to clarify what you would have me do now."

"I will have you go alone, Ziva," Eli said. "I thought I had been perfectly clear when I had told you that this was going to be done at any cost?"

"You were. However, Malachi did not see it that way," I said angrily. "Goodbye, Abba."

I hung up the phone. I had never said goodbye to him in all my life, for the fear that I would never see him again. However, this time I was nearly certain that I would never see him again. I was fairly certain that I was walking straight into my death now. This was going to be an act of suicide and nothing more or less.

"I will probably not be seeing you again, Malachi," I said to him as I looked at him. "Take care of yourself."

There was actually a tear in his eye as I turned around and walked away and felt the need to push back my own tears. My almost certain suicide mission had just turned into an absolutely certain suicide mission, just on my father's words that it was going to be a go at any cost. That was the way of Mossad and I was going to see it once and for all in full force of the worst way.

* * *

**Washington, DC**

Gibbs' POV

I read over the letter one more time as I sat at my desk this morning. I was early and I had time. The letter nearly broke my heart to read, coupled with the text message that I had received two weeks earlier.

There were a few things from Ziva's letter that stuck clearly in my head. She reminded me of rule six and she had gotten some of my responses down perfectly. It was her reminder that she knew I didn't like personal conversations that was painful for me as she went into a very personal story that touched my heart somewhat. But, it was her feelings for Tony that touched me the most.

Ziva trusted him. She trusted him with everything that she had, but had needed an excuse to appease her father out of the fear that she had for betraying Mossad. She seemed to know Tony better than anyone else in this world knew Tony and that was somewhat miraculous to me.

She admitted that she betrayed Tony and felt awful about it. She warned me about what Tony would do and how he would react and so far she was dead on. And, she told me what I have known for a long time. She had fallen in love with Tony over her four years at NCIS, which is why she could betray him and still be bordering on okay. She knew that she was not actually betraying him. She also had a need to see Tony again.

But the text message that she had sent me haunted me. She had told me that Somalia would probably be her end and she had no choice. I wanted to cry right there at my desk. I could feel Tony's cold stare on me as my eyes filled with tears. He knew that the others had received a message from Ziva and that he had not and it hurt me so much to keep that from him. It hurt me beyond anything else. But, Ziva had asked one thing of me, one very important thing of me. I could not give him the letter until the time was just right.

I slammed my fist onto my desk and stood up.

"Boss?" Tony questioned.

I said nothing to him, just looked at him. He was broken indeed. He smelled of alcohol again this morning and he was a broken man who had been severely betrayed and I did not want his anger to be directed at Ziva. I wanted his anger to be directed at me. I walked over to him and grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled him into the elevator. I pressed a button and stared at him as it started moving.

When we were halfway to Abby's lab I hit the emergency stop.

"Don't be angry with her, Tony," I said.

"Why not?" he asked angrily. "Obviously protecting her was the wrong thing to do! She hates me!"

"No, Tony," I said. "I think you've got that a little confused. She did send you a letter… or rather she sent your letter to me, on purpose."

"Why did she do that?"

"Because she thinks she isn't going to survive, Tony!" I shouted at him.

He was shocked into silence. He couldn't bare to hear what he had just heard. He looked as though another small piece of him broke. He loved her and I could see it in his heart in that moment when I said those words.

"She says I'll know when the time is right to give the letter to you," I told him. "The time isn't now, but you have to know that you do have something from her and I will make sure that you read it long before she ever gets back."

"What does it say?"

"I can't tell you that," I said. "I didn't read it." That was a flat out lie. I was given his letter and given permission to read it and I had. "She did tell me that she trusts you and doesn't even know how to apologize to you. I would assume that your letter is rather lengthy if she is trying to be open and honest. That is not exactly her strong point."

"Fine," Tony said, his expression softening into a deeply sad one. But the anger was gone. I hit the switch again and finished the ride to Abby's lab. I got her a Caf-Pow and continued in as I saw Tony go back up in the elevator, not wanting to deal with Abby at that moment, since she was still rather down since Ziva left.

"Hey, Abs," I said to her.

"Gibbs," she said.

"Got you a present," I said handing her the Caf-Pow and pulling her into a hug.

This had become our morning ritual since Ziva left. I would get her a Caf-Pow, regardless of the case and I would pull her into a hug. She was very hurt by Ziva leaving, but she seemed to understand the reasoning as well as the rest of us. It was heartbreaking to know that we might not ever see her shining face again. It was like losing a daughter all over again, though I was very glad that she took the time to be completely honest with me about everything that she had lied to me about in the past, or hidden from me.

I sighed as I pushed Abby out of the hug and breathed again. I gave Abby a kiss on the cheek and walked back to the elevator.


	8. Within a Fingernail

**Chapter 8 - ****Within a Fingernail**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

I stretched my sore limbs as I got up from the small camp in the sand that I had made the night before. I drank the last of my water. If I did not find the camp by noon I would have to return to Mogadishu or some other small village and find some water and try again. This felt like an impossible mission just because of the lack of resources that I seemed to have. It would have been better with two or three people on it, as I had originally thought.

I finished my stretching and placed my guns and knives where they belonged and did a once-over of my clothes. I was absolutely filthy. I had not had a decent moment to clean up since being in Jordan. I was totally filthy and also had been wearing the same torn cargo pants for the last three days of combing the desert for Saleem Ulman's camp. I would find it eventually.

I began my day and began my search. I could hear some voices coming and I ducked behind a sand dune. They were speaking Arabic, which was easy enough for me to understand, as it was one of my stronger languages.

They were talking about Saleem. I decided to follow them until I was close enough to see the camp. I found it soon and I killed both of the men that were talking of this terrorist and admiring his handy work and how wonderful he was to train them all against the United States, which was apparently what their problem was.

I did not take these words to heart. Perhaps that was just what they were told. Or perhaps that was another target of theirs in the future. However, there was never any mention of Israel or Mossad. That meant that my father had lied to me.

I shook my head at the thoughts and snuck my way down the side of the dune, careful not to cause too much disturbance in the sand that covered the ground.

The camp was a series of buildings. There was one long building and many smaller buildings. The smaller buildings looked like housing, where the long building looked more like an abandoned asylum or warehouse of some sort. I sighed and counted at least ten men outside with guns, protecting the camp while training was going on that day.

I snuck down the rest of the way and silently killed the guards with my knife and continued on to the longer building. There were two men at the door that were talking to each other in Arabic. I crept up behind one of them, quickly reaching around him and slitting his throat before stabbing the other one straight in the heart.

I was proud that I had made it this far without using my gun. I was doing very well. Once I was inside I pulled out the gun, but kept the knife in my left hand, just in case I got close enough to kill another. I did. I killed three more silently and then saw the back of Saleem's head. I snuck up behind him, but was not going to kill this man behind his back. As I readied to call his name something hard hit me over the head, knocking me to the ground and rendering me unconscious.

* * *

_I could see Tony sitting in front of me across the squad room of NCIS. He was staring again. I was usually quite annoyed by this, but not today for some strange reason. I looked down and saw my dirty shirt and cargo pants. I could see the dirt of the desert on me. How did the squad room get involved in the desert of Somalia? I had been so sure a second ago that I was in Somalia and about to make another kill, but now I was in Washington. How?_

_I looked at Tony and he looked at me. Our eyes locked and I could see the perfect green of his eyes. But, as I watched, he began to turn away. I wanted to shout to him. "Tony," I whispered as he turned away, taking his green eyes away from me. "Tony," I said louder, but he either did not hear me or was pretending not to. What had I done to him that caused him to ignore me? I did not know. Then, I could feel a throbbing pain in my head as he started to fade._

"Tony," I said as I finally came to. That was not good. Dreaming about Tony while I was unconscious in a terrorist training camp was not good.

I studied my surroundings. My hands were bound behind my back and I was tied to a chair, with my ankles tied together. The knife that had been in my hand was sitting out of reach on a table across from me. The gun that had been in my other hand was on the floor some twenty feet away. I could not see him, but I knew he was there and I heard a cell phone ringing.

"Shalom, Eli, old friend," said the voice of a man… a voice that I did not recognize and at once did not like.

"Shalom, Saleem," said my father's voice, sounding as though it was coming through a phone that was set to the speaker setting. My capture probably had not realized that I had come to at last. "Have you done what I have asked of you?"

"Not yet," Saleem said. "But, do not worry, friend. I will break her of her American ties. She has just come to me. I wanted to know what you thought was going to be necessary to break her. You did warn me that she was a little... stubborn."

"Do whatever you must, Saleem. You are a terrorist, I am certain you can think of something that will make her talk. Besides, it is NCIS that you want, is it not? That is where she was a Liaison for too long, friend. Once you break her ties with America, I can play the hero and come rescue her from you, leaving you alive, and not many of your incompetent men, as you put it. Do not worry, I will not harm the others. Then, I can be valued and she can rejoin me in the way that I want her to, instead of out of fear."

"It is very sad that your own daughter is no longer loyal to you, Eli," the man's voice said. "It is heartbreaking, yes?"

"Yes, it is," Eli said without any hint of emotion in his voice. "But, I am sure you will handle it. Once she is broken you will receive the other half of your money. Thank you, Saleem.

I could hear the phone click and I felt sick by what I had just heard my father say to this terrorist on the phone. My father had set me up so he could break my ties with NCIS, so that he could sell them out to the highest bidder, which happened to be this terrorist. I wanted to murder my father but, I was tied to a chair in Somalia and nowhere near my father.

The man came around and saw that I was awake. He smiled. He went to the side of the room and pulled out a chair and placed it in front of me. He looked straight at me and I wanted to spit on him then, but I waited. I would have plenty of time for aggression by the looks of things.

"You will tell me what you just heard of my conversation," he said.

"In your dreams," I snapped at him. He stood up and got close to me.

"You know nothing of my dreams," he whispered quietly. He stood up and paced the room once and then sat back down. "Tell me what you know of NCIS."

"Never," I growled through my teeth.

Saleem stood up fast and punched me in the ribs, causing the air to knock right out of me and me to gasp in pain. I suppressed it and continued to stare up at the man stubbornly. I would not betray my only true family. I would not give them away to this terrorist that wanted them all dead and gone.

"You are stubborn," Saleem noticed. "We will see how long it takes, but you will break eventually. Trust me."

He laughed an evil laugh that made me feel sick to my stomach as he untied my legs and pulled me up from the chair that I was chained to. He grabbed me hard around the arm and punched me in the face. I could feel something crack in my nose, but I made no noise and gave no wince. My eyes were watering with the reaction of the blow.

He pulled me from the room and threw me face first onto a dark dirt floor and slammed the door shut behind me. I inched my way toward the wall and curled in a ball. I wished that I could see my family one last time and tell them to their faces that I was sorry. But, I was not going to give up yet.

I had been within a fingernail of getting Saleem and it was my slightest hesitation that had caused me to be captured. It was my need to see him die, the way I was trained and kill him properly that had gotten me captured. Was this what my father wanted for me? I had heard him on the phone.

My father had called Saleem a friend and referred to payment for breaking my ties with America. That was wrong. My father was a bastard and it was showing through full force now. There were other ways to make me loyal, but it was always too late, ever since I had gone to America to work with NCIS. That was my home and my family and that was the only place that I wanted to be now.


	9. Stubborn

**Chapter 9 - ****Stubborn**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

Two weeks. Exactly fourteen days. Fourteen days, three hours, fifteen minutes, and fifty seven seconds. That was how long I had been there. Here. I was still here. Here was not a good place to be. I was still in this terror camp where I had been captured. I was captured two weeks ago and I had heard nothing of Mossad or NCIS. But, I had not expected to hear anything about NCIS, other than the non-stop questions about what they were, who they were, what they did, what they were like, where they were located, when they were involved in my life and everything else to do with NCIS. NCIS did not know that I was captured. They did not know that I was on this mission. Except Gibbs. But, he would not hear news of me, because my father would not let news of me reach them if he could help it.

But, Mossad. Did my father really think that I was that much of a traitor to deserve this? I did not believe that I deserved this. I did not do anything so horrible to deserve the incessant beatings that I was receiving. Mossad must really be disloyal and abandon those in trouble as it was said. Was I the only one with a heart in Mossad? Was I the only one willing to go against my better judgment for someone I supposedly cared about? Was I the only loyal partner left in Mossad?

Two weeks of this and I had sustained numerous bruises and minor injuries so far. But it was not so bad, considering what they could do to me. But, I did not want to think about that. I sighed heavily. I had a bruise that crossed my eye that caused it to be swollen shut. My nose was broken, almost certainly. My collarbone was throbbing in agony, perhaps it was cracked. My ribs were on fire and it felt like I could not breathe properly. But, other than that I was fine. Perfectly fine. I was still determined and was not going to give up my family.

It was almost time for Saleem to come in and get me for my questioning. I was hungry and thirsty and had not eaten or drank anything in at least a day. My throat was on fire and my stomach was pulling itself as though it was trying to digest itself. It was painful and I was beginning to feel weak, but I was not going to quit yet.

My door opened and I did not even bother to look up. Looking up was not an option. I knew it was Saleem, and I would not give him the satisfaction of looking at him. I would not give him anything he wanted. I would sooner die than give him any satisfaction. I was too stubborn for this place and I would end up dead before anyone found me, and of that I was certain.

"Come," he said.

I did not move. I was not going to satisfy him.

"I said, come," he repeated in a stronger tone that held a certain command.

When I did not move this time, he crossed the cell and grabbed my hair and pulled me to my feet. He held me by my shoulder and dragged me out of the small cell that was now my home. He dragged me down the dirt hallway and into the same interrogation room that he had always dragged me into.

He tossed me in the chair, slamming my back into the hard wood, causing a grunt of pain to come out of me. He quickly tied me to the chair, so that I could not escape. I had already tried once, and that had gotten me the bruise across my eye.

Saleem walked away from me now. He went over to the small table on my right and picked something up.

"I have always been so fascinating by certain things, Ziva," he said, not expecting a response out of me. "There is one thing in particular. The way different chemicals interact with the human body and make humans do different things. In Russia during the Cold War they experimented with truth serum, but this… ah, this is my own blend. I have found it, persuasive in the past."

He walked over to me and injected the chemical into my neck, so that it would go straight into my system. I soon felt everything blur and my thoughts were trying to escape me.

"Do not fight it," he said calmly as he sat down across from me. "It will only make things more difficult for you if you do."

He waited a moment to see if I would say anything. I said nothing. I was not going to satisfy him. The only thing I would tell him was to kill me. I was not going to tell him anything he wanted to hear. I was not going to give my family away. They were everything to me.

"Tell me the meaning of the letters NCIS," he said calmly.

I shook my head no, and bit my lip. I could feel the truth starting to rip through me and I stopped it. I drew blood.

"Tell me everything you know about NCIS," he said calmly.

I did not move. I bit harder into my lip, causing tears to come to my eyes.

"Ziva, you are stubborn," he said. "You are very stubborn. Do you want food?"

"Yes," I said honestly.

"Then, talk," he said.

"What would you like me to talk about?" I asked him.

"NCIS," he said. "Anything about it."

"They are good people," I said quietly, mostly to myself.

"They had some of my people killed," he shouted at me standing up abruptly and shoving his chair backwards. "They are _not_ good people!"

"You are evil!" I shouted back at him.

Saleem lunged at me and put a hand around my throat.

"What did you say?"

"You wanted the truth, you got it! You are evil to the core! The way you treat a guest in your home! It is abominable! I would think you would respect your guests a little more than you have shown me!" I shouted at him. "No food! No water! No bathroom! No coffee! Nothing! I get nothing! And what do you get? Well, you get whatever you want!"

He backed away and left the room, leaving my throat burning with oxygen that was nearly cut off. The air felt good going down and coming back. I focused on my breathing. It was all I could do to appreciate it. Just breath. That was all I had to do. Just breathe.

Saleem came back ten minutes later. He walked over to the table and then to me. He untied one of my hands and went back to the table. He handed me a sandwich. Ham and cheese. Not kosher and it was on purpose. I ate it quickly. Then he handed me a bottle of water, which I promptly drank. Then, he handed me another that I sipped at slowly.

"Better?" he asked.

"I would appreciate not being tied," I said to him honestly.

"Not an option," he said darkly. "You've had your food and water. Now talk. Tell me about NCIS."

"Do you know what it stands for?" I asked him.

"Naval Criminal Investigative Service," he said quietly.

"If your people were killed by them, then they were criminals and dangerous ones," I said to him.

He scoffed and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Ziva David, this is a terror camp, not an American, law-abiding resort!"

"Trust me, I have noticed," I said to him, taking another sip of water.

He frowned. That was not what he wanted to hear. If he wanted me to talk, I would talk, but I would divert his questions. The truth serum was not too much. Yes, it made me talk more than I normally would, but I still felt under control of what I could and would say. He would have to work on that a little to know if he could find a way to get it to work on me, but I was not going to suggest it.

"What else have you noticed?"

"That you are almost as evil to your men as you are to me," I said quietly. "Do they actually tolerate that kind of treatment? How do you know they are actually loyal to you if you do not respect them? You cannot gain respect without giving respect."

"How much do you want to bet on that, Miss David?" he asked darkly.

"My life," I said to him.

He stood up and paced back and forth. I could see in his eyes that he was not willing to play with that. He needed me alive. I was his insurance policy at this point and I could see that. I now knew for sure that Eli David was not involving himself in this because I was alive and that meant that there was evidence of me being alive sent to my father periodically.

"Not a chance," he whispered. He walked over and knelt down in front of me. "You were not kosher just now."

"Never have been," I said to him. That was almost true. "Except for Shabbat feasts."

"Then, I guess this ham and cheese was not unsettling for you. Honestly, I hoped you would refuse," he said. "What is your favorite food?"

"Philly cheese steak," I said to him.

"That is not kosher either," he said.

"No, it is not," I confirmed.

He sighed and stood up again. He did not know how to get somewhere with me and he was thinking deeply now. Obviously he had been relying on this batch of truth serum to help him get some information and I was not cooperating with him or the serum.

"What can I do to make you cooperate?" he asked me.

"I will not cooperate," I said to him.

"Why are you so loyal to them. Are you as loyal to Mossad, I wonder, to Israel?" he asked.

"I am loyal to those who are loyal to me. You do not gain respect without giving it," I said to him. "The Americans gave me respect and I respect them. Mossad never gave me respect except for my skills as an assassin, but now that is no more. You have taken that away on my father's wishes and payment. You do not want me to talk about them, though. I would gladly tell you all the evil things about them."

"I do not care about Mossad!" he shouted at me kneeling down in front of me again. I took another sip of the water. He smiled a nasty smile. "You are a traitor I have been told. You will suffer for that."

He grabbed the Star of David that hung around my neck and yanked it with all his might until the chain broke from my neck, after cutting into my skin.

"You do not deserve this chain," he said quietly and forced the bottle of water to my mouth, forcing me to drink the last bit of it. I frowned. He laughed. He untied me and threw me back in my cell for the night.

He was done with this interrogation technique. I was sure that he would have something new for me tomorrow, but I did not care what that was. I was not going to talk. I would certainly be glad when the truth serum ran off. I felt like I was overly drunk in some ways and overly open in other ways. Yet, I had not given away anything that he did not already know, which was good.

"Too stubborn," he muttered to himself as he left the small cell that I was in.

I was alone again. Alone was best in this place. But, alone was not best for me. Alone was when I wanted it to end the most. Alone was the place that I could think. I did not want to think. Thinking made me afraid. Afraid of what was next. Afraid of never getting out. Afraid of not seeing my family again. I wondered about them often. Would they ever learn of my captivity? Would they ever learn that I was here and not in Israel? Would they care? Did they care? Had I hurt Tony too much to repair what our friendship had once been? I did not know and it scared me.


	10. Anger

A/N - This chapter is a little more graphic. Read at your own risk.

**Chapter 10 - ****Anger**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

I knew Saleem was slowly getting angrier and angrier with me. I was just not cooperating. It was as simple as that. He wanted information on NCIS and I was not giving it to him. It did not matter how many times he beat me or how many different doses of truth serum he gave me, or how much. He had given it to me to the point where I had passed out and I still refused to give him anything to go with other than what the letters stood for.

It was getting to be something like a routine. I knew pretty much how my day was going to go. It started with a scrap of food for breakfast and a dog bowl half filled with water. That was typically my daily ration. Then a little while later Saleem would come in and bring me to his interrogation room. That would last a good portion of the morning, until he was ready to enjoy some lunch. Then, he would leave me tied to a chair for a few more hours and return at his own leisure after lunch and continue to interrogate me. Then, he would tell me that if I would cooperate I could have dinner and some more water, but I never did. Then, he would throw me back in my cell for the night, where I would lie awake, staring at the thatched ceiling counting the seconds that passed.

I was terribly hungry. It was night time now. I was very hungry, to the point where my stomach was growling and in pain from my hunger. It had been two hours since I was thrown in here and I was not sure if my guard could hear my stomach growling. I did not even know why I had a guard. I was too weak to really fight anymore. I could not even stand on my own, without someone dragging me somewhere.

I was also very thirsty. My throat was dry and I had a headache from the lack of water. I wanted it so bad. I could not wait until morning to have water. But, there was nothing in the cell that I could use. I was coughing, trying to get some mucus in my throat so that I had some form of moisture to work with. But, nothing helped. The only thing that could fix this was the water that I desperately needed.

I also was tired, but too afraid to sleep. I did not even recall the last time that I had slept more than a few minutes at a time was. I occasionally closed my eyes here, only to open them to the sound of someone walking by. I wondered if everyone ever slept all at once here. There was no way that I could make it through this for very long and I was beginning to hope for the end, but something held me back.

I had promised the whole team that I would fight to come back. The team was my family and this was what kept me up at night and kept me going until now. They were all I had and though I knew that they had no idea that I was missing, they were still banking on me fighting for my own life for them. I had to fight. I had to continue to push through and be stubborn. But, Saleem was angry and he was on the verge of snapping. I knew this. I was an investigator and I could read this very easily from him.

I heard thunder outside; that meant that it was going to rain. I was pleased with this since in the opposite side of my cell there was a hole in the ceiling. I rolled over to my stomach and crawled over there. It was an awkward and slow crawl. When I was nearly there I could see the water dripping down from the ceiling. I laid directly under it and opened my mouth, getting the much needed water.

I stayed there until the rain was gone, feeling better after having drank some water. Then, I slept. I slept for probably two hours before I woke again. It was morning. I was not happy about morning. This morning the scrap of food and water did not come. Instead came Saleem himself with some water and food.

He noticed immediately where I was and what was over me. He knew that I had gotten water from the rain of last night and he was not pleased. He swore in Arabic. He cursed me and called me a name that I was not going to ever repeat. He stood in the doorway, observing me as I continued to look toward the wall in front of me.

"I see you have taken it upon yourself to get some more water," he said as calmly as he could, though I could hear the quiver of anger in his voice.

I said nothing. I would not give him the pleasure of answering him. It was obvious what I had done when it had rained last night. I heard him throw the bowl that usually contained the water and the plate that usually contained the scrap of food that was not enough to keep an infant alive.

He walked over to me and dragged me off the ground by my hair. He looked me in the eyes.

"When I speak to you, you will answer me," he shouted at me.

I did not even flinch at the sudden closeness of his face to mine. I did not care. I had known for a while that he would snap eventually and change his tactics, I only dreaded what he would do with the new tactics.

"From now on you must earn your water," he said quietly, with a smile playing at his lips as he dragged me out of my cell and into his interrogation room.

He threw me on my face in the dirt. I did not even try to break the fall. I just laid on my stomach in the dirt in front of the chair that I normally sat in. He was moving about the room and gathering something and thinking. He was thinking so loud that I could feel that he was thinking deeply on how to punish me and what was best to get the job done.

Soon though, I was lifted up again and my hands were tied to the wall, so that I was facing the wall. This was not going to be good and I knew it. I waited, wondering what he had in store for me.

He came up behind me, very close to me and I wanted very much to scream at the discomfort of having this untrustworthy man behind me. He leaned in and I could feel his whole body pressing against my back.

"You will pay for disobeying Saleem Ulman," he whispered at me and stepped away from me.

Next thing I heard was the whooshing sound of something going fast through the air and I had no time to brace myself for what was coming. I felt it as I heard it. There was the crack of a whip, which was not good and a searing pain in my back. It hit hard and stung and burned as it broke through my shirt and hit my skin. Another crack and it dug into the skin of my back, causing a small yelp of pain to escape me. One more time in exactly the same spot and I could feel the blood trickling down my back.

I heard the whoosh and braced myself, knowing that this was going to hurt the worst and felt it dig into the already bleeding skin on my back. A tear escaped me and I heard the whip settle to the floor. My head was hanging.

Saleem untied my hands and threw me into the wooden chair, which caused me to wince in pain. He didn't bother to tie me there, since he knew that I was in too much pain and too weak to fight my way away from him and get out.

"You refuse to talk," he said. "You refuse to cooperate at all. Here are my rules, Ziva David. You will cooperate eventually. You will earn your food by listening to the rules. You will earn your water by pleasing me. You will earn a night of rest by not disobeying what I ask of you. I will no longer question you on NCIS, because it is obvious to me that you are too stubborn for your own good. Is that clear?"

I nodded my head.

"Very good," Saleem said and handed me some food.

It was better than normal. I was happy that I was getting a hot meal instead of an old cold one. There was also more food than normal. I wondered if it would be enough to get my strength back, or if this was just some kind of taunt. I was still very thirsty.

When I finished, Saleem took the plate from me.

"Are you thirsty, Ziva?" he asked.

I nodded my head and he smiled at me. I narrowed my eyes, suspicious of what was to come. He reached for his belt and I felt sick at the thought of what was going to come next. He unbuttoned his pants and pulled down the zipper. Then, standing in front of me he yanked them down.

"Pleasure me and you will get a full bottle of water," he said to me.

I shook my head and turned away from him. "I am not that thirsty," I muttered, not looking at him.

He growled in despair and turned my face to face him. He was hard and I wanted to gag at the thought of what he was going to do next.

"You will pleasure me," he said with an evil tone as he pried my mouth open and inserted himself into it.

I gagged on his cock as he jammed himself in and out of my mouth, until finally he came into it. I threw up on the floor in front of me and he laughed at me. I heard Saleem laugh as I heard his zipper zip back up and then he shoved me back in the chair again, as I was still feeling sick.

He handed me a bottle of water. It was a welcome thing and I took it from him. I drank it quickly and he left the room. I wanted to throw up again, but I knew I needed the water in my system to survive, and I held onto that, because I did not think I would be getting anymore water any time soon.

Now, I was angry. I was furious for getting caught. Furious that I had listened to my father. Furious at my father. Furious at my coworkers for not realizing I was missing. But, mostly, I was furious at Saleem for being as terrible of a person as he was and not realizing that I was human and had feelings and needs. Needs that did not include being treated this way. Needs that included food and water and the comfort of a bed. But, I did not have those things and Saleem was not that man. I stomped my foot on the ground, which caused radiating pain up my leg and into my back which had been abused too much. I was too angry.


	11. June

**Chapter 11 - ****June**

**Washington, DC**

Tony's POV

I walked into the office, joking, as usual. But then I looked to her desk. That was Ziva's desk. I remembered a time when it was Kate's desk and it was weird to see Ziva sitting in it. That had changed quickly as I learned this woman slowly over time. It was definitely Ziva's desk. No one could replace her, could they?

I hadn't thought of a good movie reference since returning from Israel. I hadn't thought of a good joke since returning from Israel. I wasn't myself. But, McGee was a good sport. He laughed with me, even though I knew my jokes were lame and pathetic. He laughed to keep me happy, though I think even he knew that I wasn't happy.

I acted happy. I tried everyday to put on a good face. She would call when she could, right? Email? Text message? She would contact us somehow. We had been in her life for four years. She couldn't just forget about us, could she? I didn't know. But it felt all wrong and inside I was hurt. Yet, I was trying hard not to hide the hurt.

But, then, McGee suggested that now was the right time. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be the one to request that we fill her position. Because it was her position and the only one who really thought we should fill her position was McGee. He asked. Boss gave us a stack of folders. And boss was going to leave it up to me to pick. How could I pick her replacement? This was going to be difficult.

And on a scene Ducky mentioned her. No one mentioned her. Ducky did. He mentioned her and it caught my attention. It was the first thing that had my full attention in a long time. I put on a good face and pretended to be totally attentive, but this was different. This was about Ziva. And Ducky, apparently had not heard from her either. I instantly replied that I had not heard from her.

McGee never answered and I never asked. I had known that he had received a letter from her. But he had not heard from her since. I didn't need to ask to know this. I was sad. As Ducky put it, it was very sad. But, Ducky's suggestion was that it was time to move on. I did not like that suggestion. That suggestion made me very sad. That suggestion made me want to cry. I slumped. I could feel myself slump.

I couldn't think of a single witty thing to say. I couldn't think of a single remark to lighten the mood. I couldn't think of a movie reference. There was no movie that covered Ziva David and the way she was or the way I felt about her.

Then, the interviews began. It was something to occupy my mind. But, honestly. It was not easy. It was not easy to think about, so I just didn't think. Yet, McGee did not fail to notice that no one was good enough for me. That was because no one was Ziva. No one could intimidate me and turn me on all at the same time. It wasn't ever going to be the same without her.

But, there was one that I agreed with because she didn't want her looks to get in the way of work. That was good, because I had not flirted with a girl in a very long time. I had not been able to flirt with a girl because of what I had lost. I had drank myself ridiculous every night and a girl that was not going to flirt was the best. But Gibbs denied her and sent her out of the office crying. That was strike one.

I already knew that Ziva was not replaceable. She was unique. She was the best of the best. She was the only girl in the world that could terrify me and hold my heart at the same time. God, what was I thinking? She didn't have my heart! She had told Gibbs that she didn't trust me. Yet, Gibbs had said that she did that because her father had forced her hand.

I honestly didn't know what to believe and I wanted at that moment to believe that she didn't trust me, because it was easier if I thought she left because of me instead of leaving on a lie because of her father and a fear that she might have of him. I hated to try to picture Ziva afraid or intimidated, but I could remember the look she had in her eyes when she saw her father.

She was definitely afraid of whatever pull her father had over her. She was afraid of her father and she was afraid of the rest of Mossad. She was intimidated by them. She was more intimidated by them than I was of her. It was unnerving to see that and hearing that Gibbs could see it too, meant that I was not crazy in what I had seen when I had visited Israel with her about the death of Michael Rivkin.

I wished that she had never gotten involved with Rivkin. I would have done everything in my power to protect her against Mossad and her father if she had just opened up and asked for help. But, that was not Ziva. She did not ever trust others to help her and never trusted anyone to open up to them. Yet, she had opened up to me in the last four years, probably more than she had ever opened up to anyone in her entire life and that was the part that hurt the worst.

Ziva was not replaceable as a friend. But, she was definitely not replaceable as a coworker. She was a good agent and we always had each other's backs. It went like this. I risked my job to save her and she risked her job to save me. We saved each other. We had each other's backs even when we didn't want to speak to each other. That was the way it worked on the field and off the field.

Aside from that though, she had picked up very quick on the process of investigation. She was quicker than anyone else could be, aside from another MCRT person already in NCIS. She had learned Gibbs rules and gained his trust. She had gone through hell to be where she was with the team.

At work we were something special and there was no one that could replace that feeling. We flirted. We shared looks. We smiled at each other. I annoyed her with my movie references. And she got her American idioms wrong so that I could correct it. She annoyed me with her Mossad-face that she always put up in front of everyone that tried to get too close. We bickered and argued. We bantered. We went back and forth to the point of getting on Gibbs' last nerve. We played pranks on McGee together. We stuck together until the very end. Until she was not telling us about Rivkin. Until she was hiding it from us. We stuck together and that was that. It was the fear of her father that had torn us apart.

There was a piece of me that wanted to go back to Israel and kick his Jewish ass until he couldn't sit straight. But, at the same time, I knew that Ziva was not in Israel, so kicking her father's ass would not work at all. I knew that he would not stand for that and would not tell us where he had sent her. But, my gut told me that it was something dangerous and that she was in danger.

I knew that she was in danger. I knew that something had happened, or something was going to happen. I was worried, but I was determined not to let it show. That was why I went along with McGee and proceeded with the interviews of other agents. That was why I continued to get up and go to work everyday and to not drink too much bourbon, or just out and out join Gibbs in his basement to learn how to work wood while drinking bourbon. Although, that thought was getting more and more tempting.

How much Gibbs knew… I had no idea. I had no clue what he could read from me or McGee or Abby or Ducky. But he was Gibbs and he probably knew too much about what was going on inside all of our heads. That was the way that Gibbs was. But, he treated me the same that he always did. He still gave me head slaps, although they were more frequent now since I was beginning to lose more and more focus. He was still silent and cryptic. He was still Gibbs and that was the way things were.

Simply put, there was nothing I could do. It started that night. That night I went to Gibbs house, already half drunk off the bourbon that I had come to crave every night. I went to his house and I sat outside for forty five minutes before going inside. It was the last night of June and I had a terrible feeling in my gut.

I got out of my car and went inside. I walked down the stairs, slowly, my vision already blurred from the alcohol. I sat at the bottom of the stairs. Gibbs said nothing, but I was not going to say anything. I was not going to break the silence that he and I had going. It was such a pleasant silence. He didn't tell me what he knew and I didn't tell him how I felt. That was the way it was with Gibbs.

Finally, I heard the working stop and he walked over. He handed me a glass of bourbon.

"I know you really don't need more of this right now," he said quietly as he sat down on the floor across from me. "But, at the same time, DiNozzo, I can see that you really do need more of this. You are staying here tonight, because you are already too drunk to drive. How long have you been drinking like this?"

I looked at him. His piercing blue eyes were practically burning a hole in me as he stared and waited for an answer. How honest should I be with him? Did I even need to answer him? No, I didn't, but he expected me to.

"Since she left," I said. "I... she hasn't contacted at all."

"She's probably busy, DiNozzo," Gibbs reminded me. "Mossad likes to keep their agents busy and since there is such a high turnover rate, they have to keep the good and living ones going."

I winced at his words. High turnover rate was one way to put it. More like a high fatality rate. That was the more accurate saying. That was the truth. That was the truth that Gibbs didn't want to tell me. But, I knew it was the truth.

"My gut," I said quietly.

"Mine too, DiNozzo," boss said. "Mine too."

My gut was telling me that something was off. Why was I speaking to Gibbs if his gut was also telling him that something was off? Why had I bothered to turn to him if he wasn't going to tell me that everything was going to be fine and she would call in a few days or weeks? I needed to talk to him. I needed to see what he knew.

"Do you think her father…."

I couldn't ask the question. Would he really send his own daughter on a mission that was dangerous enough to kill his daughter? I didn't know the answer. Although, I was sure that I had a good guess as to what the answer was after the one and only time that I had met Eli David in the flesh.

"Yea, I think so, DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "He's a bastard."

"He manipulates her," I said.

"Yup," Gibbs replied simply, taking a sip of his bourbon as I downed mine.

He poured me another glass and we were silent for a moment.

"I saw the fear and intimidation in her eyes when we were with her father," I explained to Gibbs. "Her eyes have always told me things that she wouldn't say with words. For instance, I know that she killed her own brother. I also happen to know that she did that to save you, right here in this basement. I know that she feels very guilty for not taking care of him sooner. I know that she feels like she could have prevented the death of Kate if she had just listened to what her father was saying for once. That's why she feels confused about her father. She knows that sometimes he is telling the truth and most other times are lies. She doesn't know what to believe and when in regards to the things that he has told her. I guess I don't blame her for that. But, she shouldn't feel guilty for not taking care of Ari sooner. It's not her fault. If it was my brother I would have wanted to defend him, too, but I don't have a brother and never have and never will.

"But, McGee, he's like a brother to me. If someone was after him, if you told me that McGee was rogue and wanted him out of the way in some manner or another and I can only imagine that the manner Mossad would mean is death, then I guess I would question you too. It's McGee. McGee is my brother. He is family. Who orders someone to kill their own family, or sorry, take care of them, and make sure they can do no more harm ever? I don't know, apparently Eli David doesn't deserve the father of the year award.

"But, honestly, her eyes told me all this and her eyes tell me so many things. She didn't actually feel betrayed by me. She was quite glad that Rivkin was dead, though she knew that it meant extra paperwork on both ends, because he was a Mossad officer. She was quite relieved to know that it was me killing him in protecting myself and her. It was the only thing that I could do to stay alive then and the only thing that I could do to try to save her from her father. That night when I was in her apartment after killing Rivkin, all I saw in her eyes was gratitude, yet she still had to face her father, no matter how grateful she was for my efforts to protect her."

There was silence now. I had said what I needed to say. I had said more than I had known was on my mind. I had all but told him that Ziva was not replaceable. I had all but shared the connection that I felt like I had with her and all I could see in his eyes was sadness. But there was pride as well.

"I have trained you well, DiNozzo," he said quietly as we both sipped at our bourbon. "I have trained you to read people, but you read Ziva far easier than you read others. You are close to her and know her very well. It is amazing. She's not replaceable, DiNozzo. Not by another agent and not as a woman in your life. I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry that I let Eli control her. I'm sorry for leaving her there. I had waited for that phone call. The only thing I got from her was a text with a location saying that it might be the last of her. But, I cannot disclose that information, as I don't know if she ever made it to that location, since it was a dangerous one, even by Middle East standards. I'm sorry, Tony."

We were silent again. I couldn't even remind him of rule six. This wasn't his fault, but he was obviously feeling as guilty as I was about this and I could see that in his blue eyes which now had a fire in them. It was a fire of revenge and betrayal. He felt betrayed by Eli David and not Ziva, though. I felt betrayed by Eli too. He was not being the father that he ought to be. That was simple as that.

"Drink up, DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "Then, go sleep it off. We can talk more tomorrow night when you come knocking on my door, so to speak."

That was the end of the conversation. That was the end of it for that night. That was Gibbs acknowledging that I was hurting and that I felt betrayed and had every reason to, just not by Ziva. That was Gibbs acknowledging that it was almost time to really worry about her. That was Gibbs acknowledging that he didn't want to replace her on the team, that we just needed the spot filled in. It was all simple, yet most of that was silent. It was a good thing that I knew Gibbs well.


	12. Insomnia

**Chapter 12 - ****Insomnia**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

The routine was getting old fast. I hated that interrogation room. There was nothing more that I could not tell him without him flipping and changing his tactics. I had no information that I was willing to give and I felt as though I had been here long enough. I didn't know what the date was or what the month was for that matter. It was summer. That was all that I could determine. It was hot and dry.

I sat again in the interrogation room, tied to the chair. Saleem had left me here today, which was different, which meant that he was trying hard to think of new tactics, just trying to come up with new ways to get stubborn little me to talk to him. I was tired, but I could not sleep as I sat there and I don't know how long I was sitting there, but I was beginning to sweat.

The door opened then. Saleem walked over to me and untied me from the chair and heaved me out of the chair. He then laid me on the table that was in front of him. He was smiling and I wondered and dreaded whatever he had thought up for today. The day was almost over and the beatings had been rough. All I wanted to do was have it be done with so that I could go back to the lonely room that I stayed in at night. That was the most peaceful, yet most dreaded time.

He pulled down one hip of my pants and laughed as he touched the skin there. His fingers burned on my skin and I cringed and shied away from his touch. I could feel how dirty his hands were and wanted to scream. I looked away from him.

He removed his hand from my hip and took my right arm, tying it above my head and then did the same with my left arm. Then he moved down and tied my legs to the table. I was now glue to it. At least I was not in a compromising position. That was good news for me, or so I thought.

There was a fire roaring behind me. I could hear the wood crackling with the flames and I could feel the excess heat radiating out into the room. I heard the chink of metal workings hitting each other and wondered what he was up to silently.

"I have a surprise for you, Ziva," Saleem said with a nasty sound to his voice. "I hope that you will like it."

He walked over, holding a small metal stamp. I couldn't see what was on the stamp, but I could see that it was hot and he dipped it into some ink which scared me. Was this his version of a tattoo? This was not what I wanted. I didn't want a lasting image on my body that would remind me of why I was here.

He pressed the hot stamp to my hip and I screamed with the pain as he held my other hip down to keep me from squirming out from underneath the heat of the metal. When it contacted my skin I realized that this was far more than just a stamp though. This had little points on it, so that the ink could seep into the skin. They were close together and pierced my skin equally. He pressed the stamp in a little more firmly and laughed as he went to heat another stamp.

The relief was amazing, but the next stamp, I could see was flatter and also covered in ink, but also red hot. He pressed it to the newly opened skin which made me shriek out in pain. I yelled until my lungs ran out of air. I screamed and he cringed at the sound of it, but was not letting go of my hip to cover my mouth.

"It is alright Ziva," he said quietly. "Now, will you tell me of NCIS?"

"Never," I said and spat at him as he walked away looking disappointed.

He got to work with a third stamp and I wondered what kind of painful torture was coming next. When the metal was glowing red he put it in the ink for a moment and came back over to me. He pressed it in next to where he had put the first one and pressed hard.

The heat seared me as small sharp points sliced into my skin. I screamed again at the horrible sensation that was all over my left hip. I writhed and wiggled against his hand on my other hip and shouted curses in Hebrew at him as he continued his work.

When he was done with both of the stampers for the other marking he was putting on my body he walked away, without extinguishing the fire in the fireplace. I allowed the tears to fall freely from my eyes as I felt the lingering sensation of fire and pain in my hip from what he had done to me. I cried for a few minutes, until the door opened again and Saleem came and untied me.

He flopped me back onto the wooden chair, tying me there so that I could not think of escape. He still considered me to be strong, but I did not consider that I was strong. I felt as though I was more weak than I had ever been in my whole life.

He sat there, looking at me forever and then finally untied me and threw me face first into my cell.

My face hit the dirt and I didn't move as I listened to the door closing behind me. It was dark outside, I could tell by the whole in the ceiling that usually shone down with moonlight. I could smell and feel the dirt all around me and it was almost comforting to me. It was far more comfortable than that wooden chair or that wooden table that I had been confined to all day today. It almost felt like a luxury to be in the dirt and getting dirty.

I rolled to my back, feeling the sting from the whip marks from a couple of days ago on my back. The wound was not as painful as it had been, but it was nowhere near healed and I didn't know how long that would take without any treatment. I knew that the wound was very deep and I didn't have any medical knowledge for dealing with whip wounds.

I looked up at the hole in the ceiling and I could see the stars. It was a full moon. I remembered something. Some time ago, when I was younger and not in this situation. It was from a time when Gibbs had gone from NCIS to Mexico.

**_There was a knock on the apartment door and I knew it was Tony. I was expecting Tony, since we had been having movie nights quite frequently lately. I knew that Tony was going to come because he never failed to come. I could always count on him keeping his word._**

**_I ran to the door and answered it. I smiled as I saw him standing there in front of me._**

**_"Hi, Tony," I said with a smile._**

**_"Come on," he said grabbing my hand and dragging me from my apartment._**

**_"Where are we going?" I asked him._**

**_"It's a surprise," he insisted as he continued to drag me out of the building and to his car._**

**_Within a couple of hours we were on Virginia Beach and standing watching the waves roll in and out, crashing as they got to the shore. It was high tide. I looked at Tony and wondered why he was bringing me to the beach in the middle of the night._**

**_"Look up, Ziva!" he said, pointing to the sky._**

**_It was a full moon and the light that came down from it was almost magical. I looked at it with pure wonder filling my heart for the first time at the simple things that I had never had in my whole life. I stared at the moon for some time before it happened, but a shooting star wandered across the sky at a high speed._**

**_"Wow! Tony!" I said, pointing up to the sky._**

**_"Make a wish, Ziva," he whispered to me, too close like always. "Make a wish when you see a shooting star. They are lucky. Your wish will come true as long as you don't tell anyone what that wish was."_**

**_I thought for a moment. I wished that I could live a normal life outside of Mossad, even if I was in harm's way all the time. I wished that I could feel what I felt for Tony and not have to hide it all my life. I wished hard and closed my eyes for a moment._**

**_"Did you make your wish, Ziva?" he asked._**

**_"Mhm," I said to him._**

**_"We'll always have this," he promised me. "We'll always have the full moon and shooting stars. If you ever have to go back and you look up and it's a full moon, look up at it and know that I'll be looking too."_**

**_He smiled his genuine smile, the one that no one else got to see at work or anywhere else in his life. We always had the full moon, I thought. That was a big promise to keep, but at the same time it wasn't. It was just an important memory._**

I smiled at the memory, even though smiling hurt my face. I had the full moon above me now and I wondered if Tony was looking up at it as I was now. He had promised that he would be and I was sure that he was. After several hours when the moon was almost out of my sights I saw it. It was a shooting star flashing across the small window I had to look at the sky with. I smiled again and closed my eyes.

_I wish to see him again; I want to see Tony again and thank him for everything he has always done for me_, I thought hard and kept my eyes shut.

I hoped that sleep would come, but I knew that it was going to elude me once more. There was a cricket somewhere in my room and as soon as the moon was out of full view, I looked for it. It was right next to me playing his little song, as though he was playing just for me.

"Hola," I said to the cricket in a whisper, using Spanish because I knew that the others couldn't understand that language. "Le amo a Tony, y necesito verle otra vez. Es muy importante. Ay, no sé a cuando voy a verle otra vez, pero necesito llegarme de aquí, pronto!"

I sighed. It was true. I needed to see Tony. I did love Tony. I needed to see him again. It was very important. I did not know when I was going to see him again. And, I did need to get out of there soon. It was all too much. Then, the tears took me.

I could feel the warm moisture escaping from my eyes. I could feel it seeping down my cheeks. And, as though the cricket could feel the change in the mood his song slowed to a sadder melody as he continued to play for me. I cried for a long time. The pain within me was unbearable. I hurt so much that my sides felt like they were ripping out and sleep was not taking me. The tears were pouring down my face and that was usually when sleep finally took me, but not tonight. Not now. Not in this situation.

I could not sleep. That was all that I knew. I did not know how long I cried. I did not know when the crying turned into louder sobs, but it did. I did not know when the sobs stopped or when the tears stopped. I did not know when it ended, but it did. Before sunrise I was no longer crying and for that matter, I doubted there was any evidence of the tears left on my face when it was time for water and breakfast.

I knew that I had not slept and I knew that I was not going to sleep anytime soon. Not with my wish and not with the full moon. I would patiently await the next full moon so that I could see it one more time. I needed to see that full moon again and feel the power of Tony's words and Tony's love in me again, even though that love was very painful to feel. It was something different and it was self infliction of pain of loss, which was something that my training had taught me not to feel.

I was supposed to feel no pain. I was supposed to eat when I could and drink when I could and not mourn the loss of some meals and food. I was not supposed to feel sorry for myself, or for what I had lost in the process of capture. I was not supposed to allow myself to feel weak, beaten, or abused. But I broke all of my training now. My training had not prepared me for feelings, because I was not supposed to have feelings as a Mossad Officer of Israel.

I realized then, in the sleepless morning of the new day that my mind was slowly breaking away from Mossad. I was not Mossad anymore, no matter what my title suggested. I would fail the Mossad tests. That was what changed me. The insomnia had changed me into more of a woman. Tony had changed me into more of a woman. I could not bear to think of Mossad finding me, but I could bear it even less the thought of NCIS finding me like this.

I was alone and I had insomnia. I could not sleep. I did not want to eat. I did not want to drink. But, I no longer felt sorry for myself. I was thankful for the night, even though it was painful. I was thankful for the dirt, even though it was going to cause infections. I was thankful for the pain of loss rather than the physical pain that I experienced during the day. I had found things to be thankful for, in turn finding things to hope for while I was suffering much wore than I was when I was alone.


	13. Pain

**Chapter 13 - ****Pain**

**Washington, DC**

Gibbs' POV

I talked to Vance, but he didn't have anything to offer. We had had no word from Ziva and after that single text message I was beginning to feel that something was off. Something wasn't right. Why now? Why in the middle of a case that we couldn't solve. I had to dig and find out more. I had to follow my gut, because my gut always told me things. If you want to find something, you follow it. That was one of my many rules and that was a rule that I needed to live by right now. I wanted to find Ziva David.

I went to MTAC and talked with Dunham. There was a female prisoner in a terror camp in Somalia. That was where Ziva had said that she was taken. There was increased Mossad presence in the desert, but they were idle. They were a cleanup crew and I knew this just from my time with Ziva and knowing her father. They weren't there to rescue her, they were there to clean up what she had failed to do.

Tony walked in at the end of my transmission and we talked about the newest interview that he had performed. He looked at me at the end of it. I knew that he had not told me all of what he thought.

"She's not Ziva, boss," he said.

"No one is," I replied.

"What is your famous gut saying? I can tell you what mine is saying," Tony said. "Mine is saying that Ziva is in trouble."

I nodded. It was almost time to give him that letter and I knew that. He was almost ready. He was worrying rather than being angry or hurt. Now he was as worried as I was and it was almost time. It would be time if I had brought that letter with me today. He walked out and I decided that I was not going to hire this one, because I knew that DiNozzo couldn't work with another woman that was not Ziva. Perhaps I would give him the personal files of the men next, since he could not choose a woman to work with.

I hesitated in MTAC. I was on a mission to find Ziva and I didn't like where that was going to go. I didn't like it at all, because I had a feeling that that prisoner was Ziva David. I went home that night and read through my letter one more time and then read through Tony's letter one more time.

"Where are you Ziva?" he asked. "You went to Somalia, but what happened to you out there?"

I was angry. I was so angry that even the bourbon and woodwork were not saving me tonight. I threw the empty bottle at the wall as tears filled my eyes. My gut was telling me things that I didn't want to know. I had not been that angry since I had lost Shannon and Kelly. I was almost that angry when I lost Jenny the second time around. I could not lose Ziva, she was like a daughter to me. I had to keep my family safe and I was failing at that.

I heaved a sigh and opened a new bottle of bourbon, just before picking up Tony's letter and getting in the car. I was not drunk, which was good. By now on a normal night I would be drunk but there was too much pain in my heart to keep me drinking tonight.

* * *

Tony's POV

There was a knock on my door. I was far too many bottles of beer in and far too deep into that whiskey to really comprehend what time it was or why he was there. He stepped inside without saying a word. It was Gibbs. He was there to see me and it was very late. But, how late was it.

"You're drunk, Tony," he said gently.

"Yea, boss," I said with a smile on my face, though it was just a play.

"I got something for you," he said sitting on my couch. "I told you she wrote you. It's time you saw the letter."

Gibbs handed me the folded letter from Ziva in her handwriting. I unfolded it and read through the whole thing carefully.

* * *

Dear Tony, my little hairy butt,

I do not really know what to say to you, but I am going to try my best to explain myself and apologize properly for the way that I have hurt you. Let me start by explaining my reasons and then telling you what I know.

My father is insufferable. My father is a manipulative bastard, Tony. I have subconsciously known this for a very long time. I was raised to fear him and want to please him. I was raised to think that he was doing the right thing by training me to be a killer. I never wanted to kill. I never wanted to be Mossad. But, my wants did not matter to my father and I wanted to please him.

With that said, he feels as though I have betrayed his trust and I was disloyal to him, Mossad, and Israel over the last four years. He is very angry with me and he is going to punish me in the worst way that he has ever punished me. I am certain that he will send me on a mission that is meant to be my sentence of death in a slow and painful way. That is the way he would handle this with any other officer and I have never received special treatment because I was his daughter.

Eli David does not care about me as a daughter. He never has. I was always a weapon in the making to him. That has not changed. Now I am a disloyal and untrustworthy weapon. What do you do when your gun becomes out-dated and untrustworthy? You dispose of it and by a new one. Well, I will be disposed of, Tony.

Why is this important? Because I have finally fully realized that. It took me making the wrong decision one more time to realize this, but I do realize this. I chose to stay in Israel because again I needed my father's approval for who I was. I needed his love. I have never had his love, though and I realize now that I never will. I never honestly believed that I could trust his words. For instance, I know that you did not kill Rivkin out of jealousy. You killed Rivkin because your life was in danger and therefore mine was as well, since I was your partner.

Tony, you have always put my needs and safety ahead of your own. Time and again you have put your life and job at risk for me and I do not even know how to properly thank you for that. I am eternally grateful for what you have done for me on the job. I would not be alive today if it was not for you, and therefore I would not have finally learned what my father was like if it were not for you.

I said something to Gibbs, and I am sure you have already heard it. These words hurt you deeply and I know that. They have betrayed your trust in me and I know that too. I did not know it when I said them at the time. But the hurt expression on your face as I stood out there and waited for your plane to depart told me that these words would hurt you worse than anything else I have said or done.

I am sorry. I do trust you, Tony. I do trust you with my life. I trust you with my safety. I trust you with my heart. My heart is personal to me Tony. No one has ever earned a place there. Not even Rivkin. I pretended to love him and my reaction that day was all wrong. It is not what I wanted to do. It was a defense thing… mechanism, maybe the word is. I am not sure. I wanted to guard my heart from you, Tony. I wanted to hide what I was really feeling.

I was worried about you. You were injured and it was my fault for allowing Rivkin to get too close. I was hurt because I allowed Rivkin to get too close. You were hurt because of this and I am sorry. You are more hurt by my words. Why did I say them? That is what you would ask, yes? Well, I said them because I needed an excuse to say. Honestly, if I had said it about McGee Gibbs would know it was a blatant lie. If I had said it about Gibbs I would definitely have earned a head-slap. The words were convenient and hurtful in the most painful way I can now imagine.

I already miss you more than I can say and it has not even been twenty-four hours since you left. I nearly lost control of my emotions as the plane flew away. I have already lost control of my emotions long before I began this letter to you. I do not know what to do, Tony. I am terrified for the first time in my life and I wished I had my partner at my back to keep me safe, like you always do.

I know that you are hurt by what I said and did and I know that there is little that I can say and do now to abate that feeling. I have betrayed you and you trusted me. I have hurt you when you had given your heart to me to hold. I am sorry that I broke it. I am sorry that I had to shatter that. I need to explain something else to you.

You have given me many opportunities to open up to you about how I feel, which I am not sure I am ready to reveal as I sit here and write to you now. You have given me the opportunities and I joked and washed it away. But, honestly, my feelings for you are something that I have never experienced before. They scare me. My reliance on you scares me. My need to have you there to feel safe scares me. It is not who I am to need another, but I am starting to see that it is not a bad thing with you.

I knew that this moment could happen at any time, Tony. That is another reason that I did not open up to you. I knew that my father could pull the plug, or Vance could give up on the Liaison position. He did that once and it broke my heart to return to Israel. Now, it is my own fault that I am here. But, had I disobeyed my life would be in danger. Mossad does not take lightly to betrayal. I am not sure which would be worse. Should I have chosen to be happy and live in fear knowing the end was near? Or should I have stayed here and broken my heart and yours and know that my life would be miserable and short? I am uncertain of what the right decision was, but I have made a decision and I need to see it through to whatever end, unless I see an escape.

This is no way for me to live, Tony. I hate what Israel has done to me. I do not hate my homeland, but I do hate Mossad and my father. I still love the man, because he is my father, but I hate Eli David. I cannot live in misery and fear never seeing my true family again.

I will tell you something that I know. Eli will give me a mission. He will call it an aliyah, a return to the homeland, a moment to prove that I am a devout Jewish girl who is devoted to Israel. He will give me this mission and it will be difficult. It will be nearly impossible to complete and come out alive. It will change me and I wanted to share this with you before I am changed or dead.

I do not know what this mission is nor do I really want to know. But I know that my chances of coming out of the mission are slim. Tony, you need to know that I will not give away information of NCIS or any of my family there. Gibbs, Abby, McGee, Ducky, and Palmer are my family. But, you Tony, you are something so much more than that. I will not betray you again the way I have now. I will not do something so blatantly painful on purpose again. I will do my best to protect you the way that you have always protected me. It does not matter what happens to me from this moment forward, my job is to protect you and NCIS.

I will promise you that I will do whatever I can to survive this and if I do survive this I want to find a way out. I want to see Abby, McGee, Ducky, Palmer, and Gibbs again. But, Tony, I need to see you again. I need to apologize properly. I need to tell you everything. I need to open up to you (which could actually take a long time). I need to hear your voice one more time. I do not know how I can make this possible, but I will do everything in my power to make it so. If by some chance you come to find out that I have died, or you hear that I have died before this is possible, please know that either I fought or I am still fighting. Please have hope, because I would not lose hope that you fought, since you have always fought for me. I will fight for you now. It is my turn to repay those favors, and not out of duty, but out of loyalty to you and my home and family at NCIS.

Tony, you were always too good to me, but I think I understand why. I think I am beginning to get it. I will remember you forever and always. You will always hold a special place inside my heart that no one else has. I am leaving my heart with you in this letter and I hope that you take care of it, though it may be highly changed if we are to see each other again. And, if that day ever comes, please be patient with me, because a lot will have changed and I will be broken and damaged.

I do not want you to wait for me, though. I just want you to guard my already damaged heart. I want you to know that you are now the wall that I put around it. This is far too much of me to ask of you and I know that, but I hope that you can have my six one last time and guard my heart for a while.

I will sincerely miss you the most of all of the team, but do not tell them that. Gibbs will know already, but he doesn't need to hear it again. I honestly hope that we meet again someday Tony. Always,

Ziva

* * *

"Gibbs?" I asked, looking up from the letter feeling my eyes filling with tears and then noticing that they spilled right over.

"I know, Tony," Gibbs said, putting an arm awkwardly around my shoulders to offer some comfort and support for whatever he was seeing on my face and in my tears.

I was very happy. I was happy to hear what Ziva was feeling. I was happy that, for the first time since I had known Ziva, I was absolutely certain of how she felt for me and what she wanted me to do. I had to hold her heart for her and protect it with my life; that was not too big of a request, I thought. I was very happy to hear all about her emotions and struggles.

But, I was worried. What had caused her to open up about her father and herself? What was scaring her enough to do this? She never opened up. She lived with a wall raised around her heart and emotions so that no one could get in, except for me on a rare occasion. She never shared anything personal with anyone and now she was sharing a lot with me, that meant that something had changed drastically in her circumstances.

I was also terrified for Ziva. I knew that she was going on a dangerous mission and that was scary. She was putting her life in danger for Israel and her father, neither of which were home or anything she trusted anymore. That was scary.

My gut feeling that had told me that something was wrong was even stronger and scarier now than it was before. Ziva was either dead, missing, or being held hostage somewhere and no one could or would find her. That was the scariest thing as I realized that I needed her as much as she needed me. I couldn't live without her. I wouldn't live without her. That was that.

"We'll find her, Tony," Gibbs said, pulling me into a full hug as he saw the emotions and thoughts fly across my face too rapidly for others to process. "We'll find her and bring her home. I promise."

I just nodded into the boss's shoulder, not entirely sure how to respond to anything at the moment. Gibbs obviously saw what I was feeling and how I was handling all of this now. But, surely that meant that rule twelve was broken? No, rule twelve was in tact. We were not coworkers right now and she was still Mossad. Which also meant that we weren't allowed to date by law in both countries, because we were both considered foreign operatives. There had to be a way around it. There had to be a way to find her and bring her home safely.

I didn't know how long I sobbed. I didn't know how long Gibbs just held me as though I was a small child who had a nightmare, but at some point he mentioned to me that it was time for work and asked if I wanted the day off. I told him no. I had to go into work. I had to continue. And, most importantly, I had to find Ziva and bring her home. I needed her in my life; even if it was only as a partner at work.

I felt like I was in a trance as the boss drove me into work. I felt like nothing made any sense at all. I had to find some way to get through this and get going again. But, I was stuck in a trance, as though nothing else mattered. Also my head was stuck on that page. As we drove I did notice tears in my boss's eyes as he glanced at me occasionally. Were those tears for how I felt or tears for the loss of her? That was confusing and something that I was not able to look into or question at all, as I was lost in my own thoughts of Ziva and the letter she had sent to me, through Gibbs.


	14. The Worst

A/N – Okay this is definitely an M rated chapter, and not in a fun way. This took me a long time to write because of the nature of the chapter.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

* * *

**Chapter 14 - ****The Worst**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

There were no words exchanged this morning as Saleem came into my little dirt room to get me. There was only anger and hatred. I did not even see it, because I was too cowardly to look at it. I could feel his wrath as he stormed through that wooden door and marched over to me. I could feel how much harm he wanted to cause me. He was done playing games. He was done messing around. But, I was still not talking and this made him very angry.

He grabbed my right arm and twisted until I was on my feet. The pain in my shoulder was increased with the motion, but I showed no sign of it on my face. My legs could barely carry me and I nearly collapsed to the floor. He caught me and lifted me up and punched me in the ribs for not following what he wanted me to do. I did not look at him, I was too afraid of what was coming next and I was sure I knew what was coming next.

He yanked on my arm until my legs obeyed his wishes and followed him. He was half-dragging and half-leading me out of my little room, my place of safety in this living hell. He dragged me to a whole new room. I wished more than anything to be in the interrogation room, and not this room. This new room was going to be where I was changed the most, though I was already a different Ziva David than I had been almost three months ago when I was standing in Tel Aviv, Israel and watching a plane leave without me. How I wished I could go back and get on that plane!

My face hit the dirt. I had not even realized that he had thrown me, but my face was in the dirt and a grunt escaped me as I hit the solid ground. I heard the door behind me close. Then, I felt his foot make contact between my legs hard, causing another grunt of pain to escape me and a pain that I had never felt, though I knew it was worse for men and it was a blow that I seldom delivered to them, but had been forced to use in the past.

My body lurched forward with the contact and my bruised face slid on the dirt. I could feel a rock scrape the side of my cheek. I did not need to say anything to know what was coming my way and I did not care to think about it. I just wanted to be back at NCIS in Tony's arms, where I would be safe. That was all I could think about for the moment, but I knew even that safety would leave my head in a few minutes.

I felt Saleem's knee in my low back now as he grabbed at my hair and pulled my face out of the dirt, he was enjoying this too much and I knew that.

"I will have my way with you," he whispered into my ear and slammed my face down into the dirt, causing my nose to issue a loud cracking sound.

He tossed my weak body closer to the middle of the room, leaving me face down. I was scared, to say the least, and I could only vaguely remember my training on how to handle this. Apparently, whoever in Mossad was training us, had never been through this kind of hell before handling this and therefore did not know how I would feel when they were training me.

I felt my right arm yank up over my head and then a shackle was placed hard around my wrist, pinching the skin that was there, so that it split and bled. A tear escaped my eye. This was not a tear for the pain, but a tear for what was going to happen, a tear that showed my fear and loss all at the same time.

I felt my left arm yank up over my head and a shackle was placed around that wrist as well. My arms were now spread in a Y shape above me, so that they were of no use to me now. I once had been able to use those arms to kill and maim men like Saleem, but now they were useless. Another tear escaped.

There was no movement for a moment, but I knew that it was far from over. Then, I felt his hands. He had somehow undone the belt on my cargo pants, as well as the button that was there. I could feel them sliding down my weak legs and I was powerless to stop them. A few more tears escaped as I tired hard to hold them back, knowing that they would have to pour out later in privacy.

A shiver of fear ran down my spine as he removed the dirty underwear that was left covering me. I wanted nothing more than to be anywhere else at the moment. My position was vulnerable to say the least. I was vulnerable and I knew that this was going to be taken advantage of. I thought back to my training and nothing could get me out of this, nothing could prepare me for the pain and fear that I was experiencing before this, let alone what I would deal with afterwards.

My left leg was taken, much more gently than my arm had been taken he placed a shackle around my ankle, but not so that I was stretched flush against the ground, my knee was bent a little and at an awkward angle behind me. He did the same to my right and I was glued to the ground by my wrists and ankles, everything that was private to me exposed to Saleem.

I felt his dirty hand touch my ass and rub it a little there. I squirmed under his touch.

"Your skin is soft, Ziva David," he mentioned. "Even after all this time in the desert, your skin is soft. It is too bad that your skin is tarnished by your treacherous ways. Serving two countries at once is never a good thing. You should have chosen more carefully when you were younger. I know what you did to your brother."

I winced again. How could he know that? The report in both countries was that Gibbs shot Ari and not me! I knew the truth, but Gibbs was the only other person who knew the truth, right? Unless, my father had guessed that it was not Gibbs. I mean, I had chosen to work with Gibbs and if Gibbs had shot my brother, I was more likely to want revenge on Gibbs, correct? Is that what Eli David had been expecting when I had gone to work at NCIS, that I was searching for revenge and that was why he had accepted my request?

"He was Hamas, I support Hamas," Saleem continued, his hand moving to the back of my thigh and then leaving my skin.

There was silence and no movement for a moment and I buried my face into the dirt, wishing with all my might that Saleem had chosen to go away because I was a traitor instead of staying to punish me.

Then, his hands were on my hips, lifting them from the ground with such force that it yanked on my arms and I felt a sharp tug in my injured shoulder. I gasped in horror, knowing that I had no time left to prepare.

Quite suddenly I felt him stab into me, without warning and without any preparation. The pain was unbearable. It was as though my skin was ripping off and joining him inside me. I screamed at the first inward thrust and heard Saleem chuckle. He now knew how to make me scream in an unpleasant way, something he had been secretly trying to do the whole time I had been here.

He thrust again and I yelped, yanking and pulling against the force of his hands on my hips. Then, he satisfied himself with a very fast pace that was painful. Each inward thrust slammed into me causing me deep pain internally and pain as the skin tore a little more. I screamed, yelled, shouted, cursed, and cried. There was nothing to relieve the pain of what I was feeling, nothing that could make this right. Saleem was taking a piece of me that I had not wished to give.

After many thrusts and too much pain, I felt a change in Saleem. He stiffened a little more as his pace picked up. He slammed harder and harder into me and then I felt his hot wet seed spilling and I felt a lurch of my stomach, since I knew what that meant. He left me immediately after that and I heard the door slam closed only a few moments later. I turned my head and pulled myself up a little more as my stomach continued to lurch.

The muscles acted of their own accord, picking my middle off the ground and causing me to hurl into the dirt under me. I continued to vomit until there was nothing left in my system and I was dry heaving nothing. The pain of that only halfway mirrored the physical and emotional pain I was suffering now.

I was defeated, completely and totally. Saleem had taken the last piece of me and I was done. No one was coming for me and no one would be able to save me from the horror that had just happened to me now. I dry heaved again, as the pain in my stomach and sides told me I needed to continue throwing up.

It burned in an unpleasant way between my legs. I could feel the sting of where the skin was torn and a pain deeper within me where he had hit every time he slammed into me. I could feel the tears along my walls. I was shivering and sweating and felt physically sick at this situation.

I could not think for a long while. It was well into the night when my brain finally started to think._ Somalia,_ I thought. _Somalia would not be the death of me, because he did not want me dead, but I certainly wished it would be the death of me. If I had known when I had sent that message to Gibbs, I would have told him the truth of it. Somalia would be the loss of the worrier in me._

Somalia was the loss of my fight. Saleem was the loss of my fight. I had no will to fight anymore. I had no will to protect myself. Was there anything in this world that was worth protecting? Was there anything in this world that was worth fighting for anymore?

Images flashed through my head. The orange walls of the squad room and the annoying sky light above. That was worth fighting for, maybe. Ducky and Palmer in that metallic and white autopsy room. They were worth fighting for. Ducky, telling a story from his childhood or from his adventures as an adult, or even retelling a story he had heard as a boy. That was worth it. Palmer in his awkwardness, trying to fit in and learning everything he could from Ducky. That was worth it.

Abby in her lab. Her lab was so filled with equipment that obeyed her every command. It was the finest equipment that the government had to offer. It was a wonderful lab. She always had it littered with Caf-Pows and was always working diligently. She got so into finding the evidence and making it make sense, that she would get a little wrinkle between her eyebrows until something clicked. Abby was always over-excitable and easily angered. Her emotions were wild and raw and she wore them on her sleeve. The thought of this man hurting Abby pained me more than it should. Abby was worth it.

McGee. McGee was pensive and quiet most of the time. He was great with computers and could get them to do anything he wanted them to do. He was also a skilled investigator and great in the field. He was protective, but quiet about it. He worried quietly, too. But, he was there for us, emotionally, and tried hard not to let his own emotions show through on his face. McGee was worth it.

Gibbs. Gibbs was the father to me that I should have had. He cared. He involved himself in knowing what was going on with his agents. The former marine was as good at masking his emotions as I had been when I met him. He had lost a wife and a child during Desert Storm and I knew it affected how he acted and why he was so protective over us, since he saw us as his children. Gibbs was worth it.

Tony. Tony was everything. Tony was my partner. We worked together more than McGee and Tony or me and McGee. Tony was a jokester, though he was probably not joking now. I couldn't think of Tony without his jokes. Tony knew movies the way that I knew how to kill people. He could quote any movie anytime. Though, he was probably not quoting movies now. I couldn't think of a Tony without at least one movie quote coming out of him each day. It was a sad image.

Tony also acted like a child. He was immature, and he hid behind that, because his emotions ran deep and he did not want to deal with them. I could not imagine Tony sad and hurt as he probably was and I could not imagine him not playing little pranks and childish acts. My heart hurt at the thought of this Tony, the thought that I had kept a piece of Tony with me and was hurting it further now in this desert without his even knowing about it. Tony was more than worth it. I would fight for Tony. I would continue to fight for Tony. Even if I died trying, I would fight for Tony.

I had no choice when I looked at Tony. The others were worth it, yes, but Tony demanded it. I had no choice. I could not think of this man hurting Tony, because Tony had done nothing wrong. Tony had protected me, had my back, tried to get me to open up, and tried to support me the whole time I was there. I needed to protect Tony.

I knew that I had to continue my silence. I knew that was my only choice with Tony in the equation. I knew that I would fight for that without him, but with him in there, I had to keep my silence.

I was right in thinking that Saleem would be back before the day was through. I heard the door as the sun started to sink in the sky overhead. I also heard the legs of a chair hitting the dirt below. He was behind me and I could not see his face. I had to make it known to him that it did not matter what he did to me. I would never talk.

"So, tell me everything you know about NCIS," he said to me.

"Never," I said in a hoarse whisper, but my voice was stronger than it should be, considering how long I had gone without talking.

"You go through all of this to protect them?" he asked.

I said nothing.

"Why?"

"Because I am stupid," I said to him. That was what he thought of me. He thought I was stupid and I was going through this because I did not know any better.

"I think stubborn is the more accurate term here," he said. "You are brave, Ziva David, I can see that in your eyes. You have faired well, but you see, I have orders to break your ties with the Americans and I am not sure how I am going to do that. You must have some weakness when it comes to them. Everyone has a weakness."

"You will not succeed," I told him. "You will have to kill me to win."

"I will not do that," Saleem said. "You see, I rather enjoyed our little contact earlier. I think I will keep you around for more."

I winced. He laughed at my wince. I knew that it was all a part of the thrill for him. I had known Ducky long enough to learn this about criminals and rapists. The got the thrill from the pain and suffering of their victims. It was hard to think of myself now as a victim. It was hard to wrap my mind around that. I investigated and solved things for victims, I was not supposed to be one of those victims.

"Do you know how I deduced that you killed your own brother, Ziva?" Saleem asked casually.

I shook my head against the dirt. It was a lie. I had already figured out how he figured this out. But, I wanted to hear if I was right, rather than playing the guessing games that I was usually so good at playing.

"Well, all of the reports say that a Special Agent Gibbs killed Ari Haswari. He was your half brother, who you were close to, by Mossad reports," Saleem explained. "You would not simply turn to his killer and work for them. No, you are not like that. But, you did. At first, I thought maybe it was for revenge. But, then I saw that you had worked at NCIS for four years. You would not wait that long for revenge and I know that. I know you well enough to know that your revenge would have been soon after joining them. So, then I had to ask myself, why did she join NCIS.

"The only explanation that makes sense is if you killed Ari and had told no one. I do not know why you lied in the reports since you had orders to kill Ari. Either way, here you lose. Because Ari is dead. First, you did not follow orders and second, you did kill Ari. But, the other way around, you would have followed orders and killed Ari. Either way, you lose, Ziva."

"No," I whispered.

I had not lost. He had not figured out what my trigger was. He had not figured out my one true weakness at NCIS was and I could hold on tightly to that. He would not find it out and I would keep it to myself.

"Fine. I will see you in the morning for round two," Saleem said. "I'll even consider getting you some food and water at that time."

The chair scraped across the dirt and the door opened one more time. I could still fight. It was all a mental fight now, but I was still fighting for my life, for Tony's life.

* * *

A/N – during the episode where we saw a little about Somalia, I never believed that Ziva lost all of her fight toward Saleem, because she never talked to him about NCIS. She never told him what he wanted to know. It was Tony, who knew that Saleem was going to die, that told him that information. I had to figure out a way to keep Ziva fighting and keeping her silence, so I hope this works.


	15. A Puzzle

A/N – Here is your next chapter. It is a sad chapter, but it is also one filled with thinking and working together.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters. As a matter of fact, many of the conversations in this chapter is something that I don't own, but for the sake of my story, I must include them so we can all follow along.

* * *

**Chapter 15 - ****A Puzzle**

**Washington, DC**

Tony's POV

McGee and I didn't get Abby involved until we knew for sure we were totally stuck. We were trying to protect as many of the MCRT as we could, including her, even though she was just the forensics of it. But, now, we needed her. She was not very happy about being left out, but we did it for her own good. She was still happy that we were finally involving her in our search for Ziva. We needed her and she knew it. She reacted better than we thought she would.

Turned out that Ziva had been tracking Ziva's movements as well. She seemed so excited that we were trying to figure out what she was up to and now we were involving her when she had been following Ziva as well. I was a little shocked to hear that Abby knew that Ziva had replaced Rivkin in the Kidon unit.

"It's weird that Ziva hasn't tried to contact me," Abby said enthusiastically. "It would be one thing if she just hadn't picked up the phone and called me. But, I've tried to reach her several different ways."

We were walking in circles around one of her empty tables, one of her work spaces. It seemed as though she needed to move while she spoke and we just kept following her. Around and around. It was something to do. It made me feel as though I was useful, because honestly, when I was still I started to think about whatever could be going on with Ziva. Was she captured? Was she being tortured? Had she been… nope, couldn't think about that…. Was she dead… didn't want to think about that either.

"Psychics, crystals, or telepathy?" I asked, hoping that I was not hearing anything totally abnormal.

Abby stopped. She gave me a sharp look and pointed her finger straight at my face. Now we were standing in a small circle. Well, more of a triangle since there were three of us in the room.

"No jokes, okay?" Abby asked sharply. "Ziva is universally absent! It's freaking me out!"

Abby started to walk in circles again around her table after her sharpness with me. I knew that Abby and Ziva were close, but I had never seen Abby quite like this before. But, then again, we had never lost one of our own for months on end before. Neither had we been close friends with someone in Mossad before. Ziva was still ours, regardless of her Mossad ties. I wondered how much involvement Ziva's letter had to do with Abby continuing to follow Ziva's movement. I didn't ask.

"Alright," McGee said. "Let's compare notes. Alright, we've got NCIS there on the ground in Dubai trying to figure out what Mossad is up to."

"While Mossad is trying to figure out what some terrorist is doing," I threw in with my eyebrows going up.

"And somewhere in the middle of this is Ziva," Abby said, wrapping her hands in a circle and still walking in circles; I was getting a little dizzy.

"And we know that Gibbs thinks the Director knows more than he's letting on," I said as we came to stand in a line facing the back of Abby's lab. It was like it was choreographed, but really we all just got tired of walking in circles at the same time.

"And no one's telling us what's going on. So, we have two options," Abby said, looking straight ahead, using her fingers to indicate how many options we had.

"And they're both illegal," McGee said thoughtfully. "Hack into Mossad." I put up my thumb.

"Or hack into Vance," Abby added and I put up my index finger.

"Oh that's it," the new girl said from behind us and we all turned to look at her. "I'm out of here. I'm done."

"So much for the daredevil," McGee pointed out.

"I forgot about her," I said, truly uncertain how I could have forgotten about the person that now sat at Ziva's desk. My mind was too wrapped around Ziva at the moment.

"Okay. Let's get hacking," Abby said excitedly.

* * *

That was only the beginning of the puzzle. The puzzle was really why everyone was chasing everyone else around. The US was chasing Mossad who was chasing a terrorist. My gut was telling me that the terrorist was chasing us. Where was Ziva, other than in two groups at once. The only thing that made sense was not sitting well with me. She would have to be with the terrorist now, because that was the place that she didn't belong.

Later on into our investigation, I found information on the Damocles. It was a freighter that was set to sail to Somalia from Aqaba, Jordan. It was known that two Mossad Officers had boarded that ship. One was a male and one was a female matching Ziva's description. I sighed. This was a lead, at least. Now I had to find out where the Damocles had gone to.

I had written down my information on the Damocles so far, but I was interrupted. I had to go see Gibbs, but I knew the rules. Never interrupt Gibbs during an interrogation. That was one of his rules. I had to follow it. So the girl from the Seattle PD that was there for the job was forced to follow me, while I carried my small piece of paper to the observation room.

While in the observation room waiting for Gibbs, I was trying to turn this Heather character off to the job. I tried the "it's not you, it's me" approach and that didn't work. Then, I tried using the guy that was in interrogation to turn her off. I was quoting Gibbs halfway through the time we were standing there. Then, I got angry again and told her we weren't hiring right then and apologized for wasting her time.

I left the observation room as Gibbs left interrogation, angry that he still hadn't gotten a confession from that guy. I only shared a look with him in the hallway, to tell him that I had some information but not a lot of information. He got the silent message and we both turned to walk away. I was sure he had the same information that I had and he was going to go check it out. I knew that Gibbs was sniffing around as much as the three of us were.

The problem was, Abby was not accustomed to investigating and I was nervous about using her. But, it turned out that Abby was a capable investigator. If she was not so useful as a forensic scientist, I would have suggested that we use her as a part of the team. But, the thought of Abby with a gun in the field just seemed scary to me. I wanted Ziva back. Honestly, the thought of anyone in Ziva's desk scared me, except Ziva. I wanted Ziva back.

Abby and McGee singing about a goat didn't do anything to my patience. But, I knew that they had a reason to be singing about the goat and I wondered what the goat was. I soon found out. It was the information. They had broken through Mossad's encrypted files, was the bottom line. We had a name for the terrorist that Mossad was looking into. Saleem Ulman.

"We gave it to Gibbs. Gibbs gave it to Vance. Vance gave it to Eli David, who read it, and then put Ziva, and a team, on a Jordanian ship named the Damocles," Abby said clearly and slower than her normal, but with a smile on her face.

"Out of Aqaba," I said in barely more than a whisper.

We managed to figure out that it was a cargo freighter that was probably a direct supplier to Saleem. Then, I had to go and ask the heavy question.

"Where is it now?" I asked, looking straight at Abby.

"We don't know," McGee said.

"Find it," I ordered, through my teeth.

"We tried. There's no record of it appearing anywhere…."

"Why not?"

"Because, it was lost at sea. Damocles went down in a storm the twenty-eighth of May," Gibbs said. "Off the coast of Somalia."

We were all looking at Gibbs. We were surrounding him. Abby's eyes looked red, as though she were about to cry. My heart felt as though it was shattering and McGee looked defeated. Gibbs was hard to read, but he had a harder expression than normal, it was as though he was losing something important, but it was hard to see, even for someone who had known him as long as I had.

"There were no survivors," Gibbs whispered.

I could feel the water pooling in my eyes. I looked away. I didn't move right away. But, I looked away as my heart shattered. I turned around. I couldn't be seen like this, not now. Not when we had worked so hard to get as far as we had. I couldn't be seen as a failure or feeling like I was a failure.

I walked slowly out of Abby's lab. I heard her sniff as I went, but I continued to go, feeling the tears pooling in my eyes. I tried hard to fight them and I stood outside of the elevators, with one hand against the wall and my head bowed. I swallowed hard against the lump in my throat and felt the tears begin to flow.

I felt his hand on my back before he spoke. But, I was too lost in my thoughts to hear his words at first. Ziva couldn't be dead. She just couldn't be. I could not lose Ziva. That was when I fully realized it. I couldn't live without her. I would not live without her. I needed Ziva in my life. I needed her here, on the team, in my life someway, somehow. She couldn't be dead. I leaned into the wall and lightly bumped my head into it and choked on the sobs that were silently escaping me.

"I don't believe it, Tony," Gibbs said gently, his hand still on my back. "We're doing everything we can to find out if she's out there. If she's in that desert. We think there is more to it than what we're seeing."

* * *

After that, business as usual lost all meaning. I couldn't seem to focus on anything. The only thing that roamed my mind was Ziva. I couldn't keep focused on a case. Everything went by me in a blur, and I had nothing that felt like it was worth it. I had to find her. I had to bring her home. But, she was gone. There was no way to come out of this.

All I could hear was blurs of the words. When it was McGee all I heard was "computer stuff" and that was it. I couldn't hear what he was actually saying. When it was Ducky all I could comprehend was that he had given me an autopsy report. When it was Abby all I heard was too many words to comprehend and then she'd walk away before I could find anyway to respond. They were noticing that I was in a dark place. A place that I should not have gone. A place that was too far gone to bring me back from. When it was Gibbs all I could hear was "grab your gear."

Day after day. Grab your gear. That was all that rang in my head every time I saw Gibbs. Even, though I knew he was saying more than that. That was all I could hear. I could barely hear what the case was about, because my brain refused to accept it. It was too dark to come back. I was too lost in the grief of losing Ziva.

Losing Kate had been tough, but it was not the end of the world. This was the end of meaning. The end of a reason to continue. The end of business as usual. The end of everything that I had known for the last four years. I couldn't do it anymore. One day is when it changed. That's all it took, was one day. That was what changed it all. Suddenly, there was something to live for, and it wasn't anything the others would have considered healthy.

I could live for revenge. I could live for a shot at making sure I didn't have to live without Ziva. If I went for revenge, then I wouldn't have to come back out, as long as I took that monster with me. It wasn't Eli David that I wanted. Though, I wanted him dead too, for sending Ziva to Somalia. But, it was the terrorist that the ship was supposed to supply. I had a feeling that he had more to do with this than we knew. My gut was usually right and that was all that I could think about then.

It was the last time that I heard grab your gear. I had heard it too many times. I snapped. Something in me snapped and I stood up too quickly. I glared at Gibbs.

"No," I said in a strong tone, stronger than I had used in over a week.

Gibbs looked at me. We stood, locked in a staring contest for a moment, his eyes wide. No one disobeyed what Gibbs said, it was almost a rule. I never disobeyed Gibbs when he gave a direct order. Everyone was stunned.

"No," I repeated, shaking my head, feeling another breakdown coming on.

I could not go on with business as usual. I could not continue down this path. I could not go on with what I was doing. I could not continue to try to pretend that I was alright. I was so far from alright. I was hung over every single morning and sometimes still drunk when I woke up and arrived at the office. Everything around me was blurred and out of focus. I had to get my focus back. I needed a purpose.

Gibbs walked around his desk slowly and to the front of mine. He still had an odd expression on his face. He looked at me.

"No?" he questioned, standing like a soldier at ease.

"We have an obligation," I argued. "Saleem Ulman's got to be stopped before one more person dies."

Gibbs nodded. I could see that he knew what this was. He knew it was revenge. He knew that I was out for blood. He looked like he knew the feeling. He nodded one more time, looking almost satisfied, as though he had waited for this moment for a long time.

"Make your case."

* * *

A/N – Finally! I couldn't wait to get to the part where Tony snapped. It was one of my favorite moments and it showed me how Tony really felt about Ziva when I was watching the series!


	16. Something's Changing

A/N – Here is the next chapter. We are almost at the end of Ziva's time in Somalia, but I will go a little further into her recovery, because that, I feel was a part of the mystery.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

* * *

**Chapter 16 - ****Something's Changing**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

Hopeless. That was how I felt all the time. Hopeless. There was no other way to describe it. I had no hope. No hope of survival. No hope of fighting. No hope of winning. No hope of escape. There was just no hope. But, I still fought on. I fought as hard as I could. I fought for Tony. That was all I could think about at that moment. I had to fight for Tony.

I did not fight against Saleem in particular. I only fought to keep myself from talking. That was the only hope I had. The only hope was that I could save my friends and family at NCIS. But, I could not even think of the others in this situation. The only thing that was worth going through this was saving Tony. I could do that much. That was what I owed him. Maybe we were even now. All the times he had stepped in to save my ass and now I was saving his, even though he would never know.

It was morning, sure. But, what time it was, I never could guess. The sun was getting high in the sky. My breakfast had never come. Not that I ever ate much of it. I could not find the hope to eat or drink. I only hoped I would die before he came in the next morning. Yet, death did not seem ready to meet me for some reason. I could not comprehend this. I did not know how long it was that I had gone without food and water.

I analyzed a little closer. The sun was high in the sky. It was probably ten or eleven o'clock, or later. I could not really tell. But, it was definitely past time when Saleem came in to torture me in the worst possible way and then question me. He usually came in twice a day. Once in the morning and once in the evening. He had his lunch break, of course, which I did not get. I got a small breakfast, which I hardly ate and a small dinner, which I hardly ate.

No one had come. That was different. Why had no one come? Was something wrong? Was there some reason I had to hope again? Why was no one there? There was a clatter outside in the halls. Many men were speaking in Arabic. I listened closely and thought about what they said.

_"We have found two men in the desert, Saleem," _one male voice said in Arabic.

_"They look to be American,"_ said another voice.

_"You know what to do. Set them down and question them. I am late, because you two were gone for too long today,"_ Saleem's voice said, close to my door.

I heard a door close and a grunt of a man. I did not recognize the voice because it was only a grunt. But, two American men. Could I dare to hope? More like dread. I had to dread that it was someone I knew. Americans caught up in this camp would not last a minute, let alone the time I had spent here. Two American men were captured. I hoped it was not them, but at the same time I hoped it was them. Who did I hope for anyway? Gibbs? No. McGee? No. Tony? Certainly not. I did not want Tony to see me like this! I did not want Tony near me when I was like this. But, at the same time, I wanted to know that someone cared and if it was one of them, I would forever be grateful to them.

My door opened as I listened to the Arabic switch to rough English and talk to the men in the next room over. I was sickened by the fact that I could possibly know at least one of those two men and Saleem was here in my room now, as I lay chained to the floor, face first in the dirt, half-naked and exposed to him. I felt a fight in me return as I heard one of the men cry out.

It couldn't be! I know that I had to be hearing things. I swore I just heard Tony swear. I must be hallucinating from a lack of food and water. That meant that the end was near. That was a good thing, right? Or was it? Was I hallucinating? Was I that dehydrated and exhausted? I did not know.

"It appears that this will be my last time with you, Ziva David," Saleem said. "I wish to enjoy it thoroughly. There are two American men here from the organization I have asked you about, NCIS. It seems that your friends are here for you after all. However, they were as stupid as you were in getting caught. I wonder, are they as stubborn as you are?"

I did not respond. I wondered how much they could hear of the conversation through the walls. I could not hear much through mine of the conversation, only when they got loud and Saleem was being very quiet, for some reason. Perhaps he did not want them to know that I was here. Perhaps this was normal, I had not paid attention that much.

I grappled with the chain and my wrist came right out. Saleem did not seem to notice. He was pacing. I could see him pacing as I struggled against the other chain. I broke that wrist free too. I could fight if Tony was here. I could fight with the thought that it might be Tony on the other side of that wall. I carefully held my hands in their places. I was tired from just the struggle against the chains. I had to be careful. I had to not let him know that I was free. I would hurt him. I would succeed. And I would do it for Tony.

I heard the dirt shift near my legs. I felt his legs on mine. That is when I moved. I quickly moved my hands back and pushed myself up onto my knees and head-butted him with the back of my head and wiggled my ankles free. I could feel the adrenaline coursing through my veins again; something I had not felt in a long time. It was exhillerating and frightening all at the same time to feel so much after feeling so little.

I turned and stood up, reaching my pants before he did. His were off. I kicked him square in the balls and he let out a yelp of pain. I kicked him again in the balls, to which he fell to the ground. One more kick to the balls and he cursed at me in Arabic and yelled for his guards.

I fumbled with my pants as I replaced them to my legs. I stood at the back of the room, watching Saleem, prepared to fight to the death. He stood up slowly, when none of his guards came.

We struggled for some time, before I could feel my strength giving way again. I thought of Tony in the next room as Saleem punched me in the ribs and I swore in Hebrew. I hit him in the nose and knocked him out. Everything was silent in the camp. Everything was dead silent. There was not a sound. The guards knew what had happened. I did not know if I could find a way out on my own. I took Saleem's knife from his hip and placed it in my pocket. I needed it.

I lightly leapt over him and got only to the door before there were two guards holding each of my arms. Then, my knees buckled. They tied my wrists and forced me back into the cell, and dragged Saleem out with them. There was a small whole in the wall where I sat now.

I peered underneath and saw feet. I bent even lower. My heart nearly stopped. I thought it was Tony, though I could not see the person's face. Whoever was there was tied to a chair. But, I could see clearly on the ground was McGee. McGee was there. As soon as my heart started beating again, it picked up pace and it raced. There were men in the room with them and I could not dare to breath.

* * *

Night was never easy, but Saleem had not come back into my room. A guard had come in with some food and water. I drank all the water and ate all the food. It was the first time I had finished anything in months. Where had this determination come from? I still had the knife, but I had to find a way to get to Tony and McGee. McGee's eyes were open. I could see that from where I sat. I did not know if it was Tony in there or not. I looked at McGee and his eyes met me for a moment. I could hear them when they spoke to each other.

"Tony," McGee said. "Tony!"

McGee's voice was hushed. There was no reply from Tony. McGee looked at me again and shook his head.

"I'm sorry. They knocked him out with a sedative a while ago," he hissed to me.

I sighed. I had wanted to talk to Tony to say something. But then, I had not used my voice for anything other than screaming in a long time. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes. I looked away from McGee and laid down on the floor.

They were there. They were really there. At first, relief washed over me. There were two people that I knew in the other room that were there. I did not know why they were there, but they were and that was the best news in the world. Then, dread. Dread washed over me immediately after the relief. They were in Saleem Ulman's camp. He had been asking about NCIS since I had arrived, who knows how long ago, and there were two from NCIS in the room next to me.

I sighed and clutched at my sides as best I could. I closed my eyes. Sleep didn't take me for a long time, but I was glad when it did, until I started having a nightmare. This was not like the other nightmares that I had while I was there. This nightmare featured Tony, looking beat up and abused and Saleem slitting his throat.

I woke up screaming. I screamed loudly and then cried. I had never screamed when waking up. That was new. I screamed again as internal agony washed over me. All of my efforts to keep them safe and they were here, in Somalia, probably after me, or searching for revenge for me.

Then the tears began and they were followed by uncontrollable sobs, which I was sure the two in the other room could hear. My door flew open as I sobbed and sobbed. The pain of thinking about these two men dying because of me was too much to bear and I did not know that I had that much emotion left in me, because it had been so long since I had felt pain on that level.

Whoever was in my room did not try to stop my crying, but they did not try to make me hurt anymore either. They stood there, for who knew how long. Then, whoever it was came over. A hand was placed very gingerly on my back, which was infected and I flinched. I flinched at the touch and I flinched from the pain. My eyes met with a young pair of eyes.

Whoever this man was, I had not seen him before. He was young, probably in his late teens. He looked at me with concern.

"Shh, it is alright," he said in heavily accented English. "Everyone is fine here. You are safe for the night. The other two, if you know them, they are also safe for the night. Please, do not cry. Please, do not be sad. I know that Saleem, he hurt you bad, but, please, do not show him how bad he hurt you! It make him stronger!"

I nodded my head and quieted down. I was still crying and the man's eyes were very sad. I kept looking at him through my tears.

"I am Assad. I am Saleem's nephew," he told me quietly while sitting with me. "I do not want him hurt you more. I do not want him hurt you at all. But, I am too late for that, I see."

His eyes scanned the room. He knew what it was used for, obviously. His eyes grew sad and a tear fell from them. I shook my head, but could not find the words to comfort this boy.

"That is better. Please, do not cry," he said again. "Saleem will not harm you tomorrow. He will talk to the Americans."

I nodded, though that was not a comfort to me. It was no use trying to argue, since I could not find my voice. The boy walked out and closed the door quietly behind him. I did not find sleep the rest of that night. I clutched at my sides with my hands still bound. I cried a little more, trying hard to push the images away of what I had seen and hoped that it would not come true. Then, for the first time since returning to Israel, I prayed. I prayed that Tony and McGee would stay safe tomorrow when the sun rose. I prayed that Saleem would not harm them beyond repair. I prayed that I was not beyond repair. I prayed that they had a plan to get out of here. I even prayed that they could take me with them, so I could hopefully heal and go back to being myself, but without the Mossad side of me.

As the sky was lighting up, my tears stopped as I heard a desert bird chirp outside the window. It was almost a sign of hope. It was almost too much hope. I did not know how much hope I could afford to have. All I knew was that Tony and McGee were there and they better have a plan to get out and get me out, too. It was hope that I had not had in a long time.


	17. Reflection (Part 1)

A/N – Here is another chapter for you.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters. I don't own the conversation parts between Saleem and Tony either.

* * *

**Chapter 17 - ****Reflection (Part 1)**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

With hope in me restored I glanced at the flickers of light that were shining across the floor of this cell that had recently become mine. I realized that I had changed. I had realized that a long time ago. But yesterday, something had snapped inside me. Something huge had happened and something I had not expected.

I remembered how hopeless I felt and how quickly that had changed. How quickly that had gone away. What had changed that? I had heard a conversation in Arabic in the hallway about two American men. My first thought had been Tony. I knew he was crazy enough to do that if he cared enough about someone. I had known that since I had met him. But I had not dared to hope that it was Tony, because if I hoped that, then I would be hoping that he would be joining me in whatever fate I now had.

When I had heard one of the men cry out, it sounded just like Tony. If Tony was there then he was definitely in trouble and I had to fight for him. I had promised that I would fight for him and I was going to do just that. That was why the fight had returned in me. It was for Tony. I had to fight Saleem off so that Tony would not hear me cry out when Saleem had his way and Tony would not hear me cry after Saleem had his way. I had to find a way to fight Saleem for Tony. If I could get past Saleem to Tony then I could find a way home, because we were more powerful together than apart.

I had tried to deny it to myself, though what I had heard was clear to me. I had heard more than one cry out from him as someone hit him, so I knew that I wasn't hearing things, but denying it was easier. But, Saleem confirmed my fears and hopes with a simple sentence. I thought back to it.

**_"It appears that this will be my last time with you, Ziva David," Saleem said. "I wish to enjoy it thoroughly. There are two American men here from an organization I have asked you about, NCIS. It seems that your friends are here for you after all. However, they were as stupid as you were in getting caught. I wonder, are they as stubborn as you are?"_**

His words had angered me at the time, but I was more angry now than I had been then. He had Tony and McGee in the next room over and he was planning on seeing if they were as stubborn as I was, which meant that he was in this for the long haul with them, too. That was not what I wanted and that was what gave me the strength and courage to fight this man.

With the anger coursing through me, it was no wonder that I had slipped out of the chains. Of course, the amount of weight I had lost since those chains had been put on my wrists, it honestly did not take much work to slip out of them. I could defend myself again and I could fight Saleem so that he would know that he pissed me off.

But, I had waited until I knew where he was, because I could not take my ankles out so easily without my hands. Then, I fought as hard as I could, considering how weak I was. If I had been full strength it would have been an easy fight. Saleem was not a big or muscular man. He was the guy at the center of all of it. He did not have to train like the others did in fighting and other things. He was the mastermind of the group. It would have been easy to take him down if I had done so when I had had the half a second of opportunity when I had first arrived in his camp.

When McGee had finally seen me huddled up in the corner of my cell I really should have said something to him. I really should have spoken to him. He looked terribly concerned, but he had wanted to wake Tony to talk to me or tell Tony that I was there. I did not know which, but I appreciated it. It told me a lot.

McGee's actions told me that it was Tony who had insisted on coming and this was not an assignment given to them. I was not sure how to deal with that now that I was analyzing that part of the conversation.

Did Tony get my letter? Did Tony realize how I felt? Did I still feel that way? Yes. That I knew the answer to. Yes, I still did feel that way. But, I could not be with a man after all that, could I? I knew I trusted Tony, but I had been through hell and back again. I just wished to see his face and know that he was okay. I just wished to hear his voice one more time.

I did not get that last night. Had McGee seen how hurt I was by looking into my eyes last night? I hoped not. But, somehow, I knew that it was not avoidable. My gut was telling me that I was going to see them soon, whether I wanted them to see me like this or not. I knew that I was going to have to face them and then recover from all of this.

I was confused, to say the least. There were so many emotions to deal with; emotions that I had hidden from for so long that I did not even know where to begin. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes as I was overwhelmed with everything again; everything that I had been overwhelmed with when I had watched that plane fly away so many months ago.

Tony was there and I still loved him. But, if he was there, he was in trouble. That was bad. But, perhaps he had a plan? I did not know, but I had a ghost of hope that he did. McGee was there, and he was my brother. The only reason that he had tried to wake Tony was to tell him that I was there, maybe. Perhaps Tony and McGee had thought I was dead and he wanted to tell Tony that I was alive. Or maybe they were not sure I was at that camp and he wanted to tell Tony that they were in the right place. But, maybe it was to discuss that I was there, or wonder if he was seeing things, especially since I had not said anything to him. I should have said something to him. McGee was also in trouble and that hurt me as well.

Then, there was the guilt. I had abandoned the family that I could trust and now they were in the same situation that I was in. There was no greater guilt than that. There was no greater shame than that.

I began to realize, though, that this was not really my fault. I was not in this camp because I had decided to be. I was in this camp because my father had decided for me to be. How was I supposed to deal with the betrayal from my father? I did not know that answer, though I was sure that I would have to at some point down the road.

Thinking back to all that Saleem had done to me, that small physical fight that we had was not nearly enough revenge for me. I was angry now. I was angry at Saleem. I had not allowed myself to be angry at Saleem the whole time that I had been here. I was angry for what he did to me. I was angry at him for capturing McGee and Tony. I was angry at him for whatever he was planning on doing to them. I was angry at Saleem for existing. I wanted to kill Saleem.

What Saleem had taken from me, I did not know if I could get back. But, I could already feel a little fire burning inside me that had disappeared some time ago when he had first put me in this room. It looked different now than it had. When I was first thrown into this room all I could feel was dread and sorrow for myself and what was going to go through. But now, it felt like I had overcome this room somehow. Yes, it had horrible memories. And yes, I still had to work through those memories. But, I had overcome the dread and the sorrow for myself that I had found when I first came into this room. I sighed.

I sat up on the dirt floor that I was lying on and spun around to face the hole in the wall again. McGee's back was to me now. I could see Tony's feet, legs, and stomach, but nothing more. I could also see the legs of another chair and the feet of another man. Was that Saleem that was in that room. Was he talking to Tony now? I shuddered at the thought and pressed my ear to the hole so that I could hear.

* * *

Tony's POV

Somehow, I was jolted out of the darkness that had taken me. I was jolted awake by someone shaking at my arm. I had hoped that I was back in my bed and getting up to go to work. But, no. That's not where I was. I was in a dirty, musty cell in the middle of the Sahara Desert in Somalia in a terrorist training camp that was run by Saleem Ulman. I guessed that was the guy that was standing in front of me now, since he had been the ones the other men had spoken with yesterday.

I blinked a couple of times as sleep threatened to force my eyes closed again. I blinked until I was more awake and aware of what was going on. I was in pain, sure. I was pretty badly bruised and had a split lip, but that did not matter. I was here on a simple mission. The mission was to get revenge for Ziva's death.

He placed something on the table and looked at me.

"You will tell me all that you know. Who you are. How you end up here. What you are doing. And you will talk," the man said with an Arabic accent.

I almost laughed. I really wanted to laugh. That hadn't worked with the men last night and it wasn't working for this man either.

"I'm not going to tell you anything," I said.

He was holding a syringe so perhaps I should have been scared. But, what was the use of being scared if I was there prepared to die anyway? There was no use in being scared. I should have been scared and I wasn't. I should not have wanted to go there, and I did. I should have stayed out of it, and I didn't. That was just how I worked these days. I was doing all the wrong things. But, it didn't matter. I was here and I was going to defy this man as long as I could.

"The Soviets had some success with pure ethanol," he said again and I knew it was Saleem, because he was educated. He injected something into my arm. "This formula is of my own design. A mixture of sodium pentothal and several other agents I have found effective in extracting the truth. It will not take long for it to start working."

"You're going to be dead soon, you know," I said to him. "Truth, or not? I'll tell you, I think this stuff's working already."

It was only just beginning to work, but I thought that I could play games with him, too. Threaten him when I was tied to a chair. That was a good way to go about it.

"You know, I have studied America, carefully," Saleem said, sitting on a chair in front of me. "I believe in knowing my enemy."

"I believe a man is as big as what he's seeking," I replied, in typical fashion with a reference. "I believe you're a big man Mr. McCreed."

"My name is Saleem Ulman," he corrected me. "Tell me who you are."

I fought the serum for a moment and realized it was worthless.

"I'm very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo of the Naval Criminal Investigative Service."

"You know, a few months ago, I had not even heard of NCIS," he said, as he looked at my badge. "That may have cost the lives of several of my people. That will not happen again. Please, tell me. What is your mission?"

"We're… we're tasked with pursuing crimes that involve the United States Navy or Marine Corps and their families and our duties are expansive…. International. Terrorism. Espionage. Even, you know, an 8-ball of meth-amphetamine," I explained to him, while reflecting on the case that had started at the beginning of the summer. "Our team consists of a gang of four. Tight-knit. My partner is Tim McGee, small muscles, big-brained, heart of a lion. Together we're virtually unstoppable.

"Our team leader is the fearless Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs, former Gunnery Sergeant, Marine Sniper, coffee aficionado, and functional mute," I continued.

"And the fourth member of your team?" Saleem asked curiously.

"Lost her!" I said loudly.

"Her?"

"Mhm," I nearly growled, fighting the urge to talk about her; I really didn't want to talk about Ziva, it hurt too much, but the truth serum was taking over. "For the last four years that slot has been filled by Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David."

"Mossad?"

"Mossad," I said in confirmation.

"And, uh… NCIS?" he asked as though he couldn't believe it.

"That's right," I told him.

"The organizations responsible for the deaths of my men," Saleem said, looking as though he were sad about this.

"Oh, jeez. Well, all I can say is if we killed them, they must have been bad guys," I said in my normal joking tone.

That earned me a slap across the face, which from his point of view, I'm sure I deserved, but from mine, it didn't matter. I didn't care about his team. I didn't care about my team. I was a shattered man. I lost the only woman in my life that mattered to me.

"They were martyrs for the cause!" he shouted at me, pointing a finger in my face. "So, your team is here, then what, to finish the job? To shut down my organization?"

"Listen, could I get a glass of chardonnay or something?"

"ARE YOU HERE TO FINISH THE JOB?" he shouted at me, grabbing the back of my hair.

"Not only are you wrong, but you're wrong at the top of your voice," I said, looking straight into his eyes, using a reference to get out of the fear that I should be feeling now.

"What does that mean?"

"Can you imagine Nichols in a bad day of Black Rock. I'd really like to see that."

He grabbed my jaw and forced me to look at him.

"Where is the rest of your team?" he asked sternly, and I could see fear in his eyes.

"I don't know," I said to him. "I don't care about your team… and I don't care about my team."

Then, we shared a laugh. He thought that was funny for some reason. I found it rather funny that he was laughing at the truthful statement I had just made. But, he believed me, oddly enough.

"Okay," Saleem said walking away. "You were driving in the desert, without backup. So what are you doing here?"

"Well, Saleem, there's only one force on Earth that can short-circuit a man's better instincts, put fire in his veins, makes him dive head-long into danger with no regard for his own well-being." Love, I thought. Love was the only thing that could drive me halfway around the world with a false hope that I might find Ziva and a need to avenge her death. "Vengeance," I said. "Saleem… I'm here to kill you."

"Vendetta," he said quietly and was silent for a moment. "DiNozzo is an Italian name."

"An educated man," I said.

"I got my BS from Yale University," Saleem told me.

"Yale? I got my BS on the streets," I said as a wise-crack. "Yale?" I asked again and laughed. "You guys got a lousy football team."

"Eighteen national championships," Saleem told me.

"Wow! When was the last time you won, a hundred years ago?"

"1927," he told me.

I made a face and a sound. This conversation was easy. This was fine with me. "Oops."

"Short memories. As a people, that is my impression of you," Saleem said.

"Wait, sorry. You did an impression of me, I missed it," I said, joking with him, trying to keep the mood light for me. "Go back, do it again. But this time, why don't you gargle with some sand, get that mosso-profundo going. That's how you nail my essence, it's all about the voice."

"How did you choose me as the target of your blood-lust?" Saleem asked curiously.

"I didn't. Hell! A little while ago, I didn't even know you existed," I explained to him. "I was happier then."

I told him about the case we were working on. It was a methadone overdose. As I went into it, I had to tell him about Ducky, who was also important. I was going to try to avoid talking about Abby, because Abby had to be saved for nearly last, since Abby was the one who had found Saleem. It was her forensic work that had gotten us here, but he couldn't know that yet. I had to buy myself time if I was going to think about living long enough to save McGee from this.

"While not officially a member of our field team. Ducky is an essential element in the investigative process," I explained. "His encyclopedic mind never stops working. And sometimes his mind is connected directly to his mouth."

I then told him about the process of trying to replace Ziva. There were so many personnel files to go through and so many interviews that McGee and I did while we were trying to work the case. It was a bit overwhelming. Then, I told him about the first girl that had impressed me and what happened when I brought her to Gibbs.

"It might be a little easier to find a new drummer for spinal tap," I said. "Ziva's not replaceable."

"And, um… the one you lost… why aren't you looking for her?" Saleem asked.

"If I could drag her back, I'd do it in a heartbeat, but that's impossible," I said, but I wasn't talking about Kate; my mind was too wrapped up on Ziva. "Ziva David is dead."

My heart shattered as I said the words. I didn't want it to be true. I hoped otherwise. I even prayed otherwise, though I had not actually prayed in years. I had actually gone to a church and prayed after hearing about the Damocles, which Ziva was on. But, it was the truth, as far as I knew. She was dead and there was no getting her back.


	18. Reflection (Part 2)

A/N – Part 2. I changed some of the conversation between Tony and Ziva, because I liked my version better. I hope you like it better too.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters. I don't own much of the conversation in this chapter.

* * *

**Chapter 18 - ****Reflection (Part 2)**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Tony's POV

I watched Saleem unscrew the top to his drink. I watched. I was thirsty, sure. I had been in his camp for nearly twenty-four hours and had not had a drink since. Of course I was thirsty. But, I was tied to a chair and he was drinking in front of me. He watched my face as I fought the urge to say something about his obvious Caf-Pow. I could smell that it was Caf-Pow.

"I've always been fascinated by simple cause and effect reactions," he told me as he walked away from me. "What can be done to the human body just by adding or subtracting. My own personal drug of choice, since my college days, is caffeine. Keeps me sharp. Alert."

Again, I fought the urge to say something about what he was drinking. But, I was thirsty, so I focused on that thought, knowing that it would keep my mouth shut while the truth serum was coursing through my body.

"You are probably feeling, clarity," he said and then continued on to explain what he meant by that. "An impulse to talk without sensoring. It is a chemical process taking place in your brain. Now, I understand your instinct to resist, but, in actuality you are speeding your release of adrenaline, which will just serve as a catalyst."

I thought about what he said and thought of Ziva again. Because thinking of the Caf-Pow was going to have me talking a shorter amount of time. I needed to stall so that I could save McGee. I had wanted to do this alone, because I didn't care if I died on this mission. It would be fine by me, since I knew that I couldn't live without her.

"That's better," he said. "It's less painful that way." He sat down and put the cap back on his drink. He looked at me. "Who is… um… in control of the flow of information?"

"It must be a lonely place to sit at the top of the pyramid," I said to him. "Not to mention a wee bit uncomfortable…. Director Leon Vance, some people don't like him, some people don't trust him, or wish someone else were in his place. Show me someone who doesn't complain about their boss. They're either lying or their unemployed."

I continued on to tell him how the case was going along with how the hiring process was going. I, then, explained that I knew that Gibbs was digging deeper into the silence of Ziva up to that point and how it got me thinking that maybe she was the captive in the terror camp that Dunham had seen. I explained that I was unnerved by her silence and unnerved by her absence and that was when it went downhill. As I reflected on this I remembered exactly how I felt then. I was not comfortable talking about this, but the truth serum that I had been given, kept me talking about Ziva. I wanted to quit talking, but then, I knew that the more I talked the longer I lived, basically. That was the way a terrorist training camp worked, right? Perhaps he wasn't going to kill me. Perhaps he still had a female hostage. Perhaps Ziva was the female hostage.

Now I stopped talking and thought. This was the terrorist training camp that had been seen with a female hostage and yet I had heard or seen no females here. I wondered if they still had their hostage or if they had gotten rid of her. I had a gut feeling that it was Ziva. I had a heartache the size of Alaska and it was clenched all in my chest as I thought this. If she was alive, she had suffered more than I cared to know about and if she was dead, then she had suffered to. But, my gut was telling me that Ziva David did not drown on the ship when the Damocles went down, since her partner in the Kidon Unit, Malachi Ben-Gidon was spotted in the desert just before we had left America to come here.

I didn't share any of this with Saleem, because it was pointless to go out of order. Confusing a terrorist was not the way to go. I had to keep the story going in a straight line, in order to keep him calm. If I started going out of order with my thoughts of Ziva, then I could slip and anger him earlier than I wanted to. I couldn't do that.

I told him about the solution that McGee and I had come up with. I knew I had been a fool to include McGee, because he was here with me now. But, it was too late to undo that. I told him that our solution was to keep digging.

"When he wakes up, you will learn, what a mistake your partner made, following you," Saleem said, rolling McGee to his back so that I could see him. "You believe that I am responsible for the death of this Ziva David. So, you travel halfway around the world to kill me. That is insane."

I nearly laughed at him again. He was right. That sounded very insane when you said it that way. But he left out a vital piece of information that he couldn't figure out on his own, because he had obviously never experienced it. When you love someone, you do what you have to for them. She was beyond a coworker or a partner. She was even beyond family. I loved her and I knew that. I couldn't live without her, the summer had tested that theory.

"I'm insane?" I asked him, controlling the laughter as best I could. "You kill indiscriminately."

"Wars are measured in body counts," Saleem explained to me. "The news carries a running tally. You change the world with rivers of blood. There is no reason to kill just one person."

He was so wrong about that. There was a reason for me to kill just one person. I had to kill him, because he was the reason that Ziva was dead. He was the reason that she was gone. So, yes, there was a reason for me to kill just one person.

"Oh, sure there is," I said nodding my head and avoiding the one emotion that I didn't want to reveal. Luckily, he spoke before the serum could do the rest of the work.

"How did you find me?" he asked, crossing his arms, looking extremely amused by me.

"I'm skilled," I said, without giving him the answer I was looking for.

"You did it? By yourself?" he asked, looking for reassurance.

I nodded my head, biting my tongue.

"Really?"

"No," I said, continuing to nod my head. It reminded me of the movie Liar Liar, but I wasn't going to reference it now, my heart was busy shattering again as I thought about the real reason that I was there. "Not really."

He came to stand in front of me. "How did you find me?" he asked again and looked hard at me. "Who are you leaving out?"

"Abby Sciuto, NCIS resident forensic scientist, heart and soul, paradox wrapped in an oxymoron, smothered in contradictions in terms. Sleeps in a coffin. Really the happiest goth you'll ever meet," I explained as I went into how Abby had gotten involved in all this mess.

I explained the mess the three of us went through on our own. I continued on with the new girl quitting when she found out that we were going to hack into Mossad or Vance or both. I told him about the girl that came in for an interview even though I didn't want to continue with interviews. I told him about me hearing about the Damocles that left Aqaba, Jordan. And, I told him about interrogating the same guy again, for the millionth time.

Then, I told him about how Abby found the information and what she compared it to. He was not happy about that part, but he did not get too angry, either. The goat, I thought back. Abby recovered information, with McGee's help, from Ziva's burnt laptop about a terrorist camp in Somalia. They gave the information to Gibbs, who gave the information to Vance. Vance gave the information to Eli David. Then, Eli David put Ziva and a team on a Jordanian ship called the Damocles headed for the Horn of Africa.

I explained that was how we heard his name, Saleem Ulman, for the first time, or well, the second for Abby and McGee. But, they couldn't find the ship. It was too much, they couldn't find the ship. Therefore, our trace of Ziva ended in Aqaba, Jordan. But, that's when I learned something.

The Damocles was lost at sea and there were no survivors found. I didn't tell Saleem that my gut was telling me that Ziva had made it this far. I didn't tell him that I thought he was acting when he pretended not to know Ziva David. I didn't tell him that I thought he had not only heard of her, but had met her and even tortured her, at least for a little while.

I remembered the letter I had gotten from Ziva. Somewhere in there, she had promised that she would keep fighting, for me. She would fight for me, so that I would stay safe. Now I was here and she was gone, or maybe not, thought I didn't hold onto that hope too closely, for fear of disappointment. I was here and in danger. But, I knew that Ziva had fought and did not die on a sinking ship. That was not the way Ziva David would go. She would go down in a fight if she had promised that she was going to fight for me. Ziva didn't promise things that she wasn't going to keep.

"After that, business as usual lost all meaning," I told him. "I was living in a fog, sort of, more like a daze or a trance that wouldn't end."

But, I still didn't tell Saleem that I loved Ziva. That was my secret, not his. I wasn't going to tell him before I told her. If she was dead, I was never going to tell him, because I would never get the chance to tell her.

I continued explaining to Saleem about the search that we went through with all the common materials one would expect to see going into a terrorist training camp and then all the personal materials along with the manifest from the Damocles last journey to relocate the terror camp that Saleem led. I told him that it was the Caf-Pow that got him found and that Abby had found it.

He shouted out and threw his canteen filled with Caf-Pow. I could see the red liquid pouring out of it and I was satisfied that he was pissed off. I was satisfied that he had made a mistake by using the American product when he hated America so much.

"You had to have your Caf-Pow," I said to him, looking at the canteen. "Didn't you? Hey, it's just a little chemical addiction, don't worry. Maybe you picked that up at your American college! Maybe we're not so bad, you ought to rethink your master plan!"

I was shouting as he stormed out of the room. A man outside the door closed it and I was alone with McGee, who I knew was only pretending to be asleep now.

"You okay, McGee? You awake?" I asked.

"Yea, when do we move?" he asked, without opening his eyes.

"Not yet," I said.

"He's rattled, it may be our best shot," McGee said.

"Not yet," I repeated.

I heard him shouting out in Arabic and it sounded like swearing and bad names were being exchanged and my heart was pounding. My gut was telling me that the game was about to change. I thought about how many changes I had had in the game. There were so many of them. I had first thought that she was too angry to contact us. Then, I thought that she was captured. Then, I thought that she was dead. Then, again, I thought she was captured but killed. Now I thought she was just simply captured. I was almost certain that I was going to see Ziva David alive and sitting in front of me in a moment. I had to trust my gut now, because it was all I had to trust in this desert.

"Wait for my queue," I told him as the door opened again and Saleem came in with a woman with a rucksack over her head.

"Questions are being asked in town about missing NCIS agents. There is concern that US forces might mobilize," Saleem told me as he roughly placed the woman in the chair in front of me. The form looked just like Ziva and my heart was racing, even though I knew she had been through hell. "One of you will tell me the identities and the locations of all the operatives in the area, and the other one will die."

He removed the rucksack from her head and she gasped slightly at the contact that he had made with her head. Her eyes looked like they had very little fight in them, though there was still a little determination left in her eyes. I could see that there was a little determination left in her. I could only look at her.

Despite the fact that she was dirty and bruised and looked as though she was weak and had lost too much weight, I had never seen a woman more beautiful in my life. My heart pounded in my chest. I couldn't let her die, not after all this and not after everything I had been through to find her.

"I'll give you a moment to decide who lives," he said and he left the room.

She looked like she hadn't slept all summer. She looked like she was a little lost. The corners of my mouth pulled up into a half smile. The woman that I loved was alive and I knew that for a fact now. Ziva David was sitting in front of me.

* * *

Ziva's POV

Saleem's words were frightening. One of us had to die. I did not want to die anymore. I did not want Tony to die either. Or McGee, who I knew was on the floor behind me. I stared at Tony. He was the only thing I could look at now. I had longed to see his face. He was bruised and his lip was split from being hit. But, he was halfway smiling at me, which meant that he was pleased to see me. I guess I had not hurt him too badly if he was that happy to see me in front of him.

"Well, how was your summer?" he asked with a shrug.

He was still halfway smiling, but it did not reach his eyes. His eyes were sad. They looked like they had been hurting for a long time. He looked like he had been hurting for a long time. I could not imagine what he had gone through, just as much as I was sure he could not imagine all of what I had gone through.

The corners of my mouth twitched into the smallest of all smiles that I had ever had on my face. I had not been sure that my face remembered how to smile after all that misery. But, I was partially smiling now. I was so happy to see Tony. I could not understand the happiness coursing through me and I just let it go. It was the best feeling that I had had in a long time. But, I was not happy with him for being there. He was stupid and crazy, perhaps a little insane. But, I thought I understood it. I thought I knew why he was there. I thought I could comprehend that, because I would have done the same thing if the situation was reversed. I could only be relieved to see him and happy to hear his voice.

I fought to find my voice. I looked him straight in the eyes, trying to show him my sincerest emotions, though I did not know if I remembered how to show emotions, which was a skill I had only recently learned while in America.

"Out of everyone in the world who could have found me, it had to be you," I said to him, speaking for the first time in months. My voice was scratchy but Tony was worth talking to.

He fought for something to say, or something not to say. It looked as though he was under that truth serum that Saleem used. I had fought against it hard and I could see that Tony was fighting it now too.

"You're welcome," he whispered.

God, I loved that man. But, he was so stupid for putting his life in danger to find me. He was more stupid for putting McGee's life in danger for me, too. I promised him I would fight. I did not realize that he would fight for me while I was fighting for him. I sighed quietly.

"So are you glad to see me?" he asked.

I nodded, wanting to say yes. "You should not have come," I whispered, knowing that he was in danger here. It was too late to fix that. "Yes, Tony. I am glad to see you."

"Alright then," he said sarcastically. "Good catching up, I'll be going now."

He went to stand up, but he was tied to the chair. At least I was not tied down. Saleem still considered me too weak to get away, even after I had fought him yestereday.

"Oh yea, I forgot," he said nodding. "Taken prisoner."

"Tony," I whined a little, unsure of whether I wanted his jokes or not. I closed my eyes for a fraction of a second.

"Ziva," he whispered back to me. The way he said my name made me want to break down and cry.

"Are you alright?" I asked him.

He nodded. "Much better now," he whispered.

"McGee?" I asked.

"I'm just glad your alive," he said in a whisper.

"You thought… I was dead?" I asked him curiously, my eyes narrowing a little.

He looked like he was struggling with that. "Oh, oh yea," he said nodding and looking up to the ceiling.

He couldn't hide it from me though. I saw the tears pooling in his eyes as he fought them. I knew. I knew how he felt. I could feel tears pooling in my eyes as well. I swallowed.

"Then, why are you here?"

"McGee… McGee didn't think you were dead," Tony said quietly.

"It was your gut, Tony! And your emotions, too! You're the one who said no to…."

"McGee!" Tony shouted at him to stop him from talking.

My heart leapt a little. He had said no to Gibbs for me. He was mourning me. His gut was telling him that I was alive.

"Tony! Why are you here?" I asked him again.

He struggled for a moment against the truth serum, trying not to say what he was feeling, I'm sure. "Couldn't live without you… I guess," he said instead. It was enough. I lowered my eyes and felt a tear fall to my cheek. I couldn't wipe it away. I allowed him to see it. I smiled at him. But, then I frowned.

"So, you will die with me?" I asked him. "You should have left me alone."

"Okay. Tried. Couldn't. Listen, you should know I've taken some kind of truth serum, so if there's any questions that you don't want to know the answer to, just don't ask," he told me before I could ask anything. I would listen to anything from him.

"I did not ask for any to put themselves in harm's way for me," I told him. "I do not deserve it after what I've done to you."

"You deserve the world, Ziva," Tony said honestly and I smiled again, then he went back to a joke. "So, what are you doing out here, some kind of menastic experience? You know, penance?"

"It might be justified. The way I treated the team…," I said, but couldn't finish.

"Doesn't matter how you treated us. You're family… or something," Tony said struggling.

"Tony, save yourself," I said to him. "Tell Saleem everything he wants to hear. I will die for you."

I was too honest in front of McGee.

"That's not how it works," McGee said.

"How _what_ works?" I asked him, raising my voice a little.

"The plan," Tony said.

My eyes raised to him again. I couldn't believe my ears. They had a plan. I had hoped that they had a plan, but now I knew they had a plan. Their plan now included me, even if it had not fully included me before. There was hope in me and I could feel it rising into my face, though I was cold with the infection on my back. I smiled at Tony, and it was a more full smile, though it was still only half of what it should be.


	19. The Plan

A/N – Here is the next chapter. Again, I changed a few of the conversations that happened in the show and added in a few parts, where I thought things were missing. I hope you like it.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters. I don't own some pieces of the conversations that are had.

* * *

**Chapter 19 - ****The Plan**

**Somewhere in the Desert, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

"You have an escape plan?" I asked him, my interest peaked.

He winked at me and made a small clicking noise with his mouth. I smiled at that and was tempted to laugh. The full smile actually hurt my face. I removed it at once, because the muscles were so out of practice and I was so weak.

"You need to know," I said to him immediately. "They have thirty men, heavily armed. They have anti-tank and anti-aircraft weapons. What do you have?"

"Well, that's where things get a little tricky," he said with a shrug and a nervous look on his face. "We weren't approved for an operation in the desert, Ziva. We weren't approved to come here and kill Saleem Ulman, specifically. We were approved to come in and gather intelligence along with the other NCIS location nearby. We were approved to be eyes on the target. We were sent in to change the circumstances.

"Gibbs approved me going in to change the circumstances. As much as I would like to be that guy to kill the man who did this to you, I can't be, because my gun and badge are lost. My badge is somewhere over there. My gun is somewhere else. My knife is gone. I volunteered for this. McGee was given to me, so that I wouldn't get reckless, because you know me, I don't think about my own safety when it comes to you," Tony explained and then winced at what he said. He thought he said too much.

"It's okay," I reassured him with a nod. "Go on."

"Well, we got captured on purpose," Tony said. "We got captured so that action would have to be taken…."

"Not to mention he was planning on looking for you," McGee said quietly. "He wanted you to be alive, you know. Guess it's a good thing he was in denial."

I looked over my shoulder at McGee. "What do you know, McGee?"

"He's been a total wreck without you," McGee said. "It's been pretty much one big nightmare for him. Don't think he's slept more than a couple hours in the last month. Look at him!"

I looked closer. There were dark circles under his eyes that I had mistaken as bruises from being hit. I felt bad. I had caused those circles. I frowned.

"I see," I said. "It keeps me awake too, Tony."

He nodded in understanding. He knew that I meant that my letter and my disappearance and betrayal of him was what was keeping me awake. I knew that I was keeping him awake. This was probably the most honest I had ever been with him to his face.

"What does?" McGee asked.

"Nothing, McGoo," Tony said quietly and continued on with his story. "Anyway, we were supposed to check in at noon yesterday to tell the other team where we were located and what we had found out so far. There's a group of Navy Seals and Marines and NCIS agents out there, somewhere. They haven't heard from us, and I'm sure they've tried to make contact. I'm sure they've tried to look for us."

"Wait," I said as I comprehended what he was saying. "You got captured on purpose?"

"Yup," he said casually.

"These men are killers, Tony," I said to him.

"I know," he whispered back to me, a dark look crossing his face. "That's why we have to stay alive long enough to not get dead."

"That would involve being rescued," I said to him. "I'm sorry, I was lost in my thoughts."

"Yes, it would," Tony said with a smile on his face and I smiled too.

"How long will it take?" I asked.

"I don't know, how long do you think we've been here?" Tony asked me.

"What's the plan?" I asked urgently in a whisper.

"Oh," he said. "Well, we fail to make contact yesterday at noon to Dubai. Word gets to the carrier group in the Med and they scramble roughly two raptors that burns sand into glass. And how long that's going to take, I don't know. Hours or days or…. Ziva, can you fight?"

I closed my eyes. I had fought yesterday for Tony. I could find the strength to do so again. I nodded my head.

"Tony, I... I need you to survive if I'm going to," I said as quietly as I could. He nodded in understanding. The feeling was mutual. He knew what it was like to live without me and I knew what it was like to live without him. But, more importantly, he knew what it was like to live thinking I was dead. I didn't want to find that out.

The door opened as Tony was about to say something, so he changed what he was going to say. It sounded like there was activity going on outside the camp. I could hear it. There were cars moving and people shouting back and forth.

"Oh hey, Saleem," Tony said as though he were talking to and old friend. "What's up man? What's the commotion?"

"We're moving out," he said honestly.

"Oh, well, that's good, I was getting kind of tired of this place," Tony said, biding his time.

"We're not taking prisoners."

"Oh, well, okay. It was nice talking with you," Tony said.

"No," Saleem said.

I closed my eyes, trying to hide my fear as he came close to me. I knew that Tony could see it, but I did not want him to.

"You are not done yet," Saleem added, grabbing my hair and holding a knife to my throat.

I gasped. The fear was evident in my eyes. My hands were bound but I had a knife in my pocket. It was the one that I had taken yesterday from Saleem while he had been unconscious. I closed my eyes for a second and reached my hands closer to the lower pocket on my cargo pants. I looked at Tony and he looked at me then McGee, question in his eyes.

His eyes were asking me if it was time to move. I closed my eyes once, since I could not nod to him then looked at him and glanced over at Saleem.

"Someone talk!" he shouted.

"To make pizza," Tony said.

"What?" Saleem asked.

McGee moved on the floor, kicking Saleem's legs out from under him. I reached for my knife and pulled it out as I heard Saleem's hit the floor. I stopped as I heard a gun safety click off.

"STOP! STOP!" Tony shouted and my eyes widened at him as he found a way to buy us more time. "There's something I haven't told you yet!"

He looked at me and I nodded to him. It was the only way. I knew he could do it. I had a lot that I hadn't told Saleem, but it was better coming from Tony.

"And what is that?" Saleem asked from the floor, holding a gun toward McGee's head. I had glanced long enough to know.

"Well, I told you about the brains. I told you about the guts. I told you about the muscle. The scientist, the politician, the leader. I told you about every member of the team except myself," Tony said. My eyes were wide with hope as Saleem moved over to look at Tony and none of us moved. I hid the knife between my legs in hopes that Saleem wouldn't see it. "The part I play."

"Which is?" he asked, curious.

"I'm the wild card," Tony explained. "I'm the guy who looks at the reality in front of him and refuses to accept it. Like right now I should be terrified, right? But, I'm not, because I just can't stop thinking about the movie True Lies, you know, where Arnie's strapped to the chair and shot-up with truth serum and picks his cuffs and kills everybody. You have thirty seconds to live Saleem."

I knew that there was some meaning behind this to throw him off, seeing that we were both tied and Tony to the chair. He laughed.

"No, you're still bound," he said. "You're lying."

"I can't lie," Tony said. "And I didn't say I was going to be the one to kill you. Remember when I told you my boss was a sniper?"

I watched the fear flash through his eyes. Then I heard the sound. The window broke and Saleem fell to the ground, a bullet in his head. I pulled the knife from my knees and leapt forward out of the chair, hitting my knees on the solid floor painfully and cut Tony's binds. He took the knife, since I was shaking and cut mine.

He pulled me up to him into half a hug as McGee cut his own binds. Tony pulled me toward the door. I willed my legs to work, while clinging to Tony as best I could. I wrapped both my arms around his middle as he held one around my waist to support me.

We turned a corner and saw Gibbs standing there. I stopped, stopping Tony with me. I looked at Tony and smiled a little, though I didn't want Gibbs to see me like this either. I turned and hugged Tony, and began to cry into his chest. He held me close to him, but was careful, especially after I winced when his hand hit my infected back. He tried to pull away from me when I winced, but I clung to him too tightly.

"No," I said when he tried to pull away, and he carefully held me tight to him as I continued to cry.

I felt his hand on my hair as he comforted the tears that needed to fall so desperately. I had thought I would never see any of them again and they were all there for me. I knew McGee was already near Gibbs. He whispered something in his ear.

"Let's go home," Gibbs said.

I smiled into Tony's chest and looked up at him, tears mingling with my smile.

"It will be okay, eventually," Tony promised me.

"I know," I whispered to him and turned so I could walk with him toward Gibbs. When we got there, I stopped Tony one more time and leaned up to whisper into his ears. "I don't ever want to be alone again."

"You're not," Tony whispered back to me. "Never."

I hugged him one more time.

"Told you, boss," McGee said.

"Nothing I didn't know, McGee," Gibbs said and led us out of the camp.


	20. Traveling

A/N – Thank you all for the wonderful reviews that I've been getting on this story recently! I really appreciate it! Here's a little more for all of you!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.

* * *

**Chapter 21**

**Heading for Madrid**

**Mogadishu, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

I pressed my face firmly into Tony's chest. I still did not have a shirt on, and I did not care right now. The care that Tony had showed and the way he was treating me was so overwhelming. I was comforted, certainly, but I was also very touched. It warmed my heart. But with all that had happened, all I could do was cry. I had to cry because my injuries weren't just hurting me, they were hurting Tony and he was caring and comforting through it all, learning too much for one day.

I cried for a while and he held me tight, being extra careful not to touch the center of my back while he held me in place. I could tell that tears were escaping his eyes as well when I felt a warm spot seep into my dirty hair. I pulled back from him and he handed me my shirt. He wiped my eyes without bothering with his own. I looked at him, as tears continued to streak down his cheeks, leaving cleaner marks on his dirty face.

I reached my hand up slowly to him and wiped his tears away, leaving my hand on his cheek. I did not know how to process all that I was feeling. Hurt, comfort, and love all at the same time. But, I was devastated that this was breaking him apart little by little. But, he was showing it to me, instead of using a movie reference or some joke to hide behind. I was glad for that.

I put my shirt on and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I'm confused," I said to him, finally being honest.

He sat down next to me. He slowly took my hand and I laced our fingers together, looking at them. He was still moving extremely slowly and very carefully.

"What's confusing?"

"The emotions," I whispered, almost afraid to admit it. "I... I don't really know… what to feel. I'm happy and sad. I'm relieved and scared. I'm hurt and comforted. I'm broken and whole. I'm…."

"Shh," Tony said quietly. "It's okay. There's a lot going through your mind, Ziva. You don't have to process it all now. It will take some time. I'll be right here helping you when you want me to, if you want me to. I'll help in whatever way I can. But, don't try to do it all at once. Just focus on the good of today. You are alive and you are safe."

I nodded to him, understanding that it was too much to take in all at once. He knew that I wasn't used to trying to process one emotion at a time, let alone so many that conflicted with each other. I was going to use Tony's help.

"I'll need help," I whispered to him, admitting it, which was no easy task for me normally, but today it felt like the simplest thing I had done in four months.

"I'm right here, Ziva," he promised me again. "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere you don't want me to go."

I nodded again and leaned my head against his shoulder. We sat silently for a moment. When there was a knock on his door I jumped and stood up suddenly. He steadied me with his hands and then pulled them off me again, afraid that I had gone into a panic attack one more time.

"It's just Gibbs," Tony said peering out the peep hole. "You okay?"

I shook my head. I closed my eyes and felt the tears seep out from under them. I had never been so jumpy in all my life. He walked over to me, but didn't touch. He looked me in the eyes and waited a moment.

I walked up to him, after opening my eyes. I took his hand and pulled him close to me. Then, he turned and led me to the door. He opened it.

"I brought you two sandwiches, if you want them?" Gibbs asked.

"I think we should get back as soon as we can, boss," Tony said, looking at me again. His eyes were asking me a question. He wanted to know if it was okay to tell Gibbs why. "Her back is infected. We've got to get her some antibiotics."

Gibbs merely nodded, wondering why Tony knew that. He looked at me hard, wondering if something had just happened between me and Tony. I shuddered and shook my head, trying to calm the tears that were in my eyes. Gibbs looked as though he were in pain too. He pulled me into a hug now and I flinched at the touch. When I flinched he returned me to Tony's arms, where I felt oddly safe and I nodded to him, hoping to show my appreciation for the gesture.

"Let's go, then," Gibbs said.

"One minute," I said quietly. "I'd very much like to brush my hair."

Gibbs chuckled and closed the door. Tony had rushed away from me. He touched my arm very gently, again letting me know that he was there. He began to slowly drag the brush through my hair and I closed my eyes at the gentle sensation. It was nice to feel something so comforting. A brush was all it took to send tears to my eyes. Tony was really acting very accepting of a broken me and a me that did not know who to trust and who not to trust.

When he finished he grabbed his bag and McGee's. He then took my waist and led me out of the hotel. McGee and Gibbs were sitting on the sidewalk near the door. They looked up as we came out. I felt much better after getting cleaned up and changed. It had been a long time since I had had that many amenities.

"I checked us out, Tony," McGee said quietly, noticing the way we were standing, close but cautious.

"Thanks," he said back just as quietly.

"Let's get going."

* * *

**Somewhere Flying over Sudan, or Maybe Libya**

Tony's POV

It had been about half an hour that Ziva had fallen asleep. She looked more comfortable than before. She had finally eaten, though not as much as she normally did. She had drank more water and was already beginning to look healthier. I could feel that her temperature was high, but I already knew why that was. I was so concerned about her and how jumpy she was. It was a little unnerving to see my ninja so jumpy at the smallest things. I knew it would get better, but it would take time. Now was the time to talk to Gibbs, who was sitting right across from me on a small private plane that he had hired at MogadishuInternationalAirport a few hours ago.

I looked at him. He was watching Ziva like a hawk. I shook my head. The truth serum was finally starting to wear off a little. I was thinking clearly still, but I didn't have anymore impulses to just say whatever came to mind anymore, which was good. That meant it was easier to just say what needed to be said.

"Gibbs?" I said quietly.

His eyes raised to mine, his eyebrows up a little. He wondered what I could want to know.

"She's struggling," I said to him. "I knew to expect that. But, I don't know how to help her."

"Do what you're doing, DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "Just be there and keep offering the comfort. Don't be surprised if sometimes she refuses it. Take it easy on her. She seems like she's been through hell."

"I think so," I whispered. "I mean her emotions. You know how she is. She struggles with the simplest ones. She's got so many conflicting emotions right now. Both good and bad. But, she's also not told me the big one she's struggling with."

"Which is?" Gibbs asked, already knowing that I had figured out what it was.

"Her feelings for me. I think she's struggling with that more than she's ever going to be ready to admit," I explained.

"Just be there, DiNozzo," Gibbs offered. "She'll see how you feel. She'll see how she feels. She'll take it one step at a time. She'll struggle. Sometimes, she'll turn away from you and if that happens, you have to let it go. Don't get mad and don't get impatient. This was traumatic."

I nodded. It was the only response that I had. I understood what he was saying I just needed to know if I was doing it right so far. I had already seen a small difference since leaving the camp with Ziva. She was still very jumpy and panicked often at small things, like the roar of the plane's engine. But, she was allowing me to hold her and comfort her. She had changed in that way, where she was willing to accept what I offered.

I knew enough from her letter to know exactly how she felt about me, but that, even before this mess, she was afraid to admit it. I knew that now it would be even more difficult to maintain that level of trust. I expected lapses in that in the future, because of what she went through and that was going to be the times that would test my patience to the limits. I would have to be patient with the times that she wasn't as open or as welcoming of the comfort as she was right now.

I looked down at her. Her head was on my shoulder and my arm was around her waist. If someone had told me four months ago that I would be holding Ziva in my arms, I would have told them they were nuts, because that ninja didn't process emotions on that high of a level. If someone had told me two months ago that I would be holding Ziva in my arms I would have told them that I only wished she would come home so I could do so. But, if someone had told me two weeks ago that I would be holding Ziva in my arms, I would have told them that that was impossible, since she was dead.

Yet, here we were. I was holding Ziva in my arms. She was alive. She was beaten and abused and well, I wasn't going to think of that. But, anyway, she had been through hell and I was holding her. I was the one she was turning to for comfort. I had gotten the basic idea of her letter when I had read it, but it was clearer to me seeing the actions behind it. That was what had changed, permanently. Opening up even a little bit to me, well, I guess it was more than a little, had made Ziva see that she wanted my help and would accept it.

I sighed and leaned back in the chair, careful not to jostle Ziva and startle her awake. Something happened though. She started to mutter in her sleep and I couldn't tell what she was saying; it was in Hebrew. She broke into a sweat and started to move around a little.

I carefully placed a hand on her shoulder and shook it lightly. When she flinched, I gripped her shoulder hard and stared into her eyes. She looked back into mine, confused for a moment. Then, she nodded and sighed.

"Nightmare?" I asked her.

She nodded again without saying anything to me. She didn't want to talk about it with the others nearby. I narrowed my eyes and she laid her head back down on my chest. Then, finally, closing my eyes, I drifted off to an uneasy sleep, holding Ziva tightly to me.

* * *

**Somewhere Flying over Southern Spain**

Ziva's POV

"Gibbs?" I asked, as I looked up, knowing that I was not going to sleep with Tony asleep, so the nightmare would not escalate, since I was sure it was going to come and he needed sleep at least as much as I did, if not more.

His eyes shot up to mine, wide with curiosity and wonder. He did not think I was going to talk to him. He nodded, telling me to go ahead.

"I do not know how to deal with all this," I said to him. "You know how I feel about him. But, with everything that happened, how do I handle that?"

"One day at a time, David," he said quietly. "You start with today. You trust Tony and show Tony that you trust him. You keep doing what you've been doing until you are a little more comfortable in your own skin. Then, you can talk to him about whatever you need to talk about."

I nodded to him.

"I trust him," I said to Gibbs.

"I know you do," Gibbs replied with a smile on his face. "I can see that. You are more comfortable with his touch than anyone else's at this point. Do you want him with you when you see the doctor?"

I thought about it a second, knowing that there were going to be parts of that appointment that I should not want anyone in there for, normally. I nodded to Gibbs. I could not do that without my partner, my Tony.

"Would you prefer to stay at my house or his apartment if he offers it?" Gibbs asked.

"His, if he asks," I said to Gibbs. "Nothing against you. Just… I feel safe with him. He makes me feel safe and secure."

He nodded. "I get it, David," he said. "You might want to wake him, though. We're almost there. Probably another ten minutes until we land in Madrid."

I nodded and looked at Tony as I laid on his shoulder. I smiled at the protective arms that were wrapped around my body. I nuzzled my head into his chest and then moved it up to whisper in his ear.

"Tony, we are almost to Madrid," I told him.

He jumped a little and looked at me. He smiled and then it faded, everything coming back to him apparently. I settled my head back into his neck and made myself comfortable there, glad that he was protecting me from dangers that no longer existed to the others, but still did to me.

"Thanks for waking me," he muttered sleepily.

"Thank you for this," I said to him, brushing his arms with my fingers and staying where I was.


	21. Heading for Madrid

A/N – Thank you all for the wonderful reviews that I've been getting on this story recently! I really appreciate it! Here's a little more for all of you!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.

* * *

**Chapter 21 - ****Heading for Madrid**

**Mogadishu, Somalia**

Ziva's POV

I pressed my face firmly into Tony's chest. I still did not have a shirt on, and I did not care right now. The care that Tony had showed and the way he was treating me was so overwhelming. I was comforted, certainly, but I was also very touched. It warmed my heart. But with all that had happened, all I could do was cry. I had to cry because my injuries weren't just hurting me, they were hurting Tony and he was caring and comforting through it all, learning too much for one day.

I cried for a while and he held me tight, being extra careful not to touch the center of my back while he held me in place. I could tell that tears were escaping his eyes as well when I felt a warm spot seep into my dirty hair. I pulled back from him and he handed me my shirt. He wiped my eyes without bothering with his own. I looked at him, as tears continued to streak down his cheeks, leaving cleaner marks on his dirty face.

I reached my hand up slowly to him and wiped his tears away, leaving my hand on his cheek. I did not know how to process all that I was feeling. Hurt, comfort, and love all at the same time. But, I was devastated that this was breaking him apart little by little. But, he was showing it to me, instead of using a movie reference or some joke to hide behind. I was glad for that.

I put my shirt on and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"I'm confused," I said to him, finally being honest.

He sat down next to me. He slowly took my hand and I laced our fingers together, looking at them. He was still moving extremely slowly and very carefully.

"What's confusing?"

"The emotions," I whispered, almost afraid to admit it. "I... I don't really know… what to feel. I'm happy and sad. I'm relieved and scared. I'm hurt and comforted. I'm broken and whole. I'm…."

"Shh," Tony said quietly. "It's okay. There's a lot going through your mind, Ziva. You don't have to process it all now. It will take some time. I'll be right here helping you when you want me to, if you want me to. I'll help in whatever way I can. But, don't try to do it all at once. Just focus on the good of today. You're alive and you're safe."

I nodded to him, understanding that it was too much to take in all at once. He knew that I wasn't used to trying to process one emotion at a time, let alone so many that conflicted with each other. I was going to use Tony's help.

"I'll need help," I whispered to him, admitting it, which was no easy task for me normally, but today it felt like the simplest thing I had done in four months.

"I'm right here, Ziva," he promised me again. "I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere you don't want me to go."

I nodded again and leaned my head against his shoulder. We sat silently for a moment. When there was a knock on his door I jumped and stood up suddenly. He steadied me with his hands and then pulled them off me again, afraid that I had gone into a panic attack one more time.

"It's just Gibbs," Tony said peering out the peep hole. "You okay?"

I shook my head. I closed my eyes and felt the tears seep out from under them. I had never been so jumpy in all my life. He walked over to me, but didn't touch. He looked me in the eyes and waited a moment.

I walked up to him, after opening my eyes. I took his hand and pulled him close to me. Then, he turned and led me to the door. He opened it.

"I brought you two sandwiches, if you want them?" Gibbs asked.

"I think we should get back as soon as we can, boss," Tony said, looking at me again. His eyes were asking me a question. He wanted to know if it was okay to tell Gibbs why. "Her back is infected. We've got to get her some antibiotics."

Gibbs merely nodded, wondering why Tony knew that. He looked at me hard, wondering if something had just happened between me and Tony. I shuddered and shook my head, trying to calm the tears that were in my eyes. Gibbs looked as though he were in pain too. He pulled me into a hug now and I flinched at the touch. When I flinched he returned me to Tony's arms, where I felt oddly safe and I nodded to him, hoping to show my appreciation for the gesture.

"Let's go, then," Gibbs said.

"One minute," I said quietly. "I'd very much like to brush my hair."

Gibbs chuckled and closed the door. Tony had rushed away from me. He touched my arm very gently, again letting me know that he was there. He began to slowly drag the brush through my hair and I closed my eyes at the gentle sensation. It was nice to feel something so comforting. A brush was all it took to send tears to my eyes. Tony was really acting very accepting of a broken me and a me that did not know who to trust and who not to trust.

When he finished he grabbed his bag and McGee's. He then took my waist and led me out of the hotel. McGee and Gibbs were sitting on the sidewalk near the door. They looked up as we came out. I felt much better after getting cleaned up and changed. It had been a long time since I had had that many amenities.

"I checked us out, Tony," McGee said quietly, noticing the way we were standing, close but cautious.

"Thanks," he said back just as quietly.

"Let's get going."

* * *

**Somewhere Flying over Sudan, or Maybe Libya**

Tony's POV

It had been about half an hour since Ziva had fallen asleep. She looked more comfortable than before. She had finally eaten, though not as much as she normally did. She had drank more water and was already beginning to look healthier. I could feel that her temperature was high, but I already knew why that was. I was so concerned about her and how jumpy she was. It was a little unnerving to see my ninja so jumpy at the smallest things. I knew it would get better, but it would take time. Now was the time to talk to Gibbs, who was sitting right across from me on a small private plane that he had hired at Mogadishu International Airport a few hours ago.

I looked at him. He was watching Ziva like a hawk. I shook my head. The truth serum was finally starting to wear off a little. I was thinking clearly still, but I didn't have anymore impulses to just say whatever came to mind anymore, which was good. That meant it was easier to just say what needed to be said.

"Gibbs?" I said quietly.

His eyes raised to mine, his eyebrows up a little. He wondered what I could want to know.

"She's struggling," I said to him. "I knew to expect that. But, I don't know how to help her."

"Do what you're doing, DiNozzo," Gibbs said. "Just be there and keep offering the comfort. Don't be surprised if sometimes she refuses it. Take it easy on her. She seems like she's been through hell."

"I think so," I whispered, remembering what she told me about her injuries. "I mean her emotions. You know how she is. She struggles with the simplest ones. She's got so many conflicting emotions right now. Both good and bad. But, she's also not told me the big one she's struggling with."

"Which is?" Gibbs asked, already knowing that I had figured out what it was.

"Her feelings for me. I think she's struggling with that more than she's ever going to be ready to admit," I explained.

"Just be there, DiNozzo," Gibbs offered. "She'll see how you feel. She'll see how she feels. She'll take it one step at a time. She'll struggle. Sometimes, she'll turn away from you and if that happens, you have to let it go. Don't get mad and don't get impatient. This was traumatic."

I nodded. It was the only response that I had. I understood what he was saying, I just needed to know if I was doing it right so far. I had already seen a small difference since leaving the camp with Ziva. She was still very jumpy and panicked often at small things, like the roar of the plane's engine. But, she was allowing me to hold her and comfort her. She had changed in that way, where she was willing to accept what I offered.

I knew enough from her letter to know exactly how she felt about me, but that, even before this mess, she was afraid to admit it. I knew that now it would be even more difficult to maintain that level of trust. I expected lapses in that in the future, because of what she went through and that was going to be the times that would test my patience to the limits. I would have to be patient with the times that she wasn't as open or as welcoming of the comfort as she was right now.

I looked down at her. Her head was on my shoulder and my arm was around her waist. If someone had told me four months ago that I would be holding Ziva in my arms, I would have told them they were nuts, because that ninja didn't process emotions on that high of a level. If someone had told me two months ago that I would be holding Ziva in my arms I would have told them that I only wished she would come home so I could do so. But, if someone had told me two weeks ago that I would be holding Ziva in my arms, I would have told them that that was impossible, since she was dead.

Yet, here we were. I was holding Ziva in my arms. She was alive. She was beaten and abused and well, I wasn't going to think of that. But, anyway, she had been through hell and I was holding her. I was the one she was turning to for comfort. I had gotten the basic idea of her letter when I had read it, but it was clearer to me seeing the actions behind it. That was what had changed, permanently. Opening up even a little bit to me, well, I guess it was more than a little, had made Ziva see that she wanted my help and would accept it.

I sighed and leaned back in the chair, careful not to jostle Ziva and startle her awake. Something happened though. She started to mutter in her sleep and I couldn't tell what she was saying; it was in Hebrew. She broke into a sweat and started to move around a little.

I carefully placed a hand on her shoulder and shook it lightly. When she flinched, I gripped her shoulder hard and stared into her eyes. She looked back into mine, confused for a moment. Then, she nodded and sighed.

"Nightmare?" I asked her.

She nodded again without saying anything to me. She didn't want to talk about it with the others nearby. I narrowed my eyes and she laid her head back down on my chest. Then, finally, closing my eyes, I drifted off to an uneasy sleep, holding Ziva tightly to me.

* * *

**Somewhere Flying over Southern Spain**

Ziva's POV

"Gibbs?" I asked, as I looked up, knowing that I was not going to sleep with Tony asleep, so the nightmare would not escalate, since I was sure it was going to come and he needed sleep at least as much as I did, if not more.

His eyes shot up to mine, wide with curiosity and wonder. He did not think I was going to talk to him. He nodded, telling me to go ahead.

"I do not know how to deal with all this," I said to him. "You know how I feel about him. But, with everything that happened, how do I handle that?"

"One day at a time, David," he said quietly. "You start with today. You trust Tony and show Tony that you trust him. You keep doing what you've been doing until you are a little more comfortable in your own skin. Then, you can talk to him about whatever you need to talk about."

I nodded to him.

"I trust him," I said to Gibbs.

"I know you do," Gibbs replied with a smile on his face. "I can see that. You are more comfortable with his touch than anyone else's at this point. Do you want him with you when you see the doctor?"

I thought about it a second, knowing that there were going to be parts of that appointment that I should not want anyone in there for, normally. I nodded to Gibbs. I could not do that without my partner, my Tony.

"Would you prefer to stay at my house or his apartment if he offers it?" Gibbs asked.

"His, if he asks," I said to Gibbs. "Nothing against you. Just… I feel safe with him. He makes me feel safe and secure."

He nodded. "I get it, David," he said. "You might want to wake him, though. We're almost there. Probably another ten minutes until we land in Madrid."

I nodded and looked at Tony as I laid on his shoulder. I smiled at the protective arms that were wrapped around my body. I nuzzled my head into his chest and then moved it up to whisper in his ear.

"Tony, we are almost to Madrid," I told him.

He jumped a little and looked at me. He smiled and then it faded, everything coming back to him apparently. I settled my head back into his neck and made myself comfortable there, glad that he was protecting me from dangers that no longer existed to the others, but still did to me.

"Thanks for waking me," he muttered sleepily.

"Thank you for this," I said to him, brushing his arms with my fingers and staying where I was.


	22. Another Nine Hours

A/N – Okay, here is another chapter. I'm surprised by how quick the updates are coming, honestly. The story is just flowing in my head and I keep writing. I have to thank everyone for their great reviews! I really do appreciate hearing from everyone!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or characters.

* * *

**Chapter 22 - ****Another Nine Hours**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

I felt like I was in a daze. I had flown from Mogadishu, Somalia to Madrid, Spain and then hopped onto another flight to Washington, DC. I was home. I could hardly believe my eyes as I stared out the window of Gibbs' car while I leaned on Tony. I was really home after all that time. I blinked at the sights as we drove past them.

"Someone tell me it's real," I whispered.

I heard Gibbs' chuckling in the front seat. "I'm waiting to find that out, too," Tony whispered honestly.

"It's real, you two, you're both home now," Gibbs said, sounding serious now.

We were really home. I watched out the window as he pulled into the Navy Yard and put the car into park. McGee and Gibbs got out and Tony took my hand, pulling me out of the car gently behind him. He opened up his arm in an offer and I went right into his side, wrapping my arm around him. I was really home.

We stepped into the elevator. We were silent as it rode up toward the squad room. I had missed the squad room and the people that I had associated with it, even though they were hardly ever in there. I waited patiently as the elevator made it's way up. Finally, it stopped.

Gibbs and McGee stepped out and hesitated. Tony led me out slowly. Abby and Ducky were standing there, staring at us as we walked into the squad room. I glanced at Tony and he gave me an encouraging nod. How could I face them, too, after all that? Tony was by my side though. I nodded to him and continued.

* * *

Tony's POV

Ziva's glance told me that she was a little beyond nervous to face all this. It told me that she was not looking forward to an Abby hug, but I knew that she had to face it sooner or later. We rounded the corner and stopped. We looked around as Abby and Ducky made their way over to us, not really believing their eyes, but it was my arm that remained around Ziva that kept her upright and I could tell that she was overwhelmed.

I glanced up to see Vance standing on the catwalk above the squad room looking down at us as we came back into the office. His face was pulled up in a smile and he started to clap. Soon, the whole office was clapping.

* * *

Ziva's POV

Abby walked straight to me. She put a hand on my cheek and did not notice that Tony's arm clenched me tightly to him. Ducky, I knew had noticed this. Abby pulled me into a hug, to which I suppressed a flinch.

This was not a normal Abby hug. This was tender and thankful. This was filled with sadness but love at the same time and I hugged her back with one arm, refusing to take my other arm from around Tony's waist.

That was when Abby pulled back and noticed. She nodded and I went back into Tony's side and Tony held me close to him. Everyone was still clapping for what Tony, McGee, and Gibbs had done. They were really heroes, at least they were to me.

I looked at Tony. "Let's go," I whispered.

He nodded. And led me to Gibbs, who was sitting at the desk.

"I'm taking her," he said.

"Good luck," he whispered to me and nodded once.

Tony led me from the squad room, which had quieted down now. We were back in the elevator and about to head to Bethesda.

"Tony, don't leave my side," I whispered to him. "I can't face this."

"You can do it, I'll be right here," Tony reassured me as he parked the car outside the hospital.

The wait time in the waiting room was not very long today. They took me in and I sat on the edge of the bed nervously. A nurse came in with a gown that I was to wear. I flinched at the sight of it. She took my blood pressure and temperature.

"Can you tell me why you're here today?" the nurse asked.

I looked at Tony.

"She was held hostage in a terrorist training camp for three months," Tony said. "She's got an injury to her back and shoulder. And she was… well, could you make sure her doctor is a woman."

The nurse nodded and headed out. I looked over at Tony, grateful that he had spoken for me. I had to change into the gown now. I looked at him hoping that he would not step away. Being alone was not good right now. I slid off the bed and he helped me out of my clothes and into the gown.

"I'll have Gibbs bring some of your clothes here before it's time to go," Tony told me. "I'll be by your side as long as you're here, I promise."

I nodded to him and sat back up on the bed. We waited for a little bit and then the doctor came in. I gasped as I saw who it was. When I looked back up at Tony, I realized he hadn't noticed who was standing in the small cubicle with us, he was looking at me. He noticed the look and glanced at the doctor. He came to my side and took my hand. He leaned into me.

"It'll be fine, she's a good doctor," he reassured me. "I'm not going anywhere."

I nodded.

"I'm Dr. Benoit," she introduced herself. "Held hostage at a terrorist training camp for three months? Is that so?"

"In Africa," Tony said and Dr. Benoit looked up to meet Tony's hard stare.

"Tony?"

"Hello, Jeanne. Ziva has an injury on her back that's infected. It needs to be looked at and cleaned. She also did something to her shoulder, she thinks. She was held hostage with thirty men for three months," Tony said.

"Ziva, were you raped?" Jeanne asked with no trouble at all.

I flinched at the term and turned my face into Tony's chest. I did not want to answer that question. I did not want to face that problem.

"She was," Tony whispered, almost inaudibly, but I knew that Jeanne got the message, because she was oddly silent at the moment.

"Let's start by taking a look at your back," Jeanne suggested, seeing that there was tension in the room from the words she had uttered.

Jeanne went around behind me and looked. She let out a sigh.

"Does it hurt?" she asked.

I nodded, not wanting to speak really. Tony allowed me to cling to him as Jeanne cleaned out the wound and bandage it for me.

"I'm going to prescribe some antibiotics for that, as well as give you some intravenously now. It's pretty bad and your temperature is rather high," Jeanne explained. "I'll give you some extra bandages for it at home. I want to see you back in a week for that. Now, I'm going to order some x-rays for your shoulder to see what's going on there, because it is internal, you told the nurse. I'm also going to get a time slot in the gynecology room. I'll take a… um… kit and see if there's any damage. I'll make it as quick and painless as possible. Tony is welcome to be in the room with you, but it is procedure to have another female nurse in the room at the same time."

"Just Tony," I whispered.

"Then, I'll need you to sign a waiver against the nurse," Jeanne said.

I nodded. "Okay. I'll get those things ordered. I'll see you in a little bit. Tony, could I talk to you in the hallway?" Jeanne asked.

Tony looked at me. He did not want to leave me. I nodded to him, encouraging him to go. He reluctantly let go of me and went into the hallway with Jeanne. I could hear what they were saying.

"Is she going to be okay? Does she present any symptoms of PTSD? Flashbacks, panic attacks, jumpy or nervous behavior?" Jeanne asked.

"Yes to all questions. She is going to be fine. She's not as jumpy as she was twenty four hours ago," Tony said. "She doesn't like psychiatrists or anyone she has to talk to that she doesn't know. If it becomes a problem that we can't handle, we'll bring her back."

"What about you, Tony, how are you doing?"

I couldn't see Tony's face but I could see his posture stiffen a little.

"Well, two days ago I thought she was dead," Tony said honestly. "I purposely got captured by a terrorist and found out she was alive. The terrorist was taken out and I brought Ziva home."

"How have you been, is what I meant?"

"Busy," Tony said again, in a harder tone as he also noticed that Jeanne's softened a little.

"Okay, let me rephrase," Jeanne said. "How about we get dinner some time and talk?"

"No," Tony said. "Jeanne, its long been over between us and you were nothing more than an assignment. I'm obviously bringing Ziva here. Obviously I went halfway around the world to find a terrorist who I thought was responsible for her death. Yes, I hoped she was alive and I hoped to find her there, but I didn't think about what I was wishing for at the time. I went halfway around the world for her, Jeanne. I think even you can work out the meaning of that. Perhaps not, though."

"What are you saying, Tony?"

"That I'm not leaving her side unless she wants me to," Tony said. "Now, excuse me. Ziva's alone in there, and I promised her she wouldn't be alone."

"That's a ridiculous promise," Jeanne said. "She'll have to be at some point in her life."

"Not until she's ready," Tony promised Jeanne. "Not until she's ready. She's a ninja who could kill me eighteen different ways with a paperclip, but I'm not about to leave her side, because that's who she wants there."

"Is that where you want to be?" Jeanne asked suspiciously.

"If that questions wasn't answered by my traveling halfway around the world to bring her home, then you need to think about it and you're not really smart enough for this," Tony uttered angrily. "Now is clearly also not the time to discuss this. I'm here and Ziva is your patient. You will respect that."

"Yes, of course I will," Jeanne said and I saw her form walk away through the curtain. Tony reentered the room.

"If you want to go to dinner with her, don't stop yourself on my behalf, Tony," I told him with hardly any voice in my words.

"I'm not stopping because of that," Tony said, looking at me. "I don't want to go to dinner with her. And, I promised to be here, because I want to be here. Please, let me be here."

I nodded. I wanted him there. I wanted him there more than I wanted anyone else there.

After some time x-rays were done, showing that I had a healing fracture in my collarbone. They gave me a sling. Then the other part of it came, which made tears stream down my face. But all was well there, as far as they could tell. Some tearing, but not deep enough to effect anything long-term. That was good. I had to go back in six weeks for that. That was not a good thing and I wondered if I could get Tony to go with me again, or if he would get tired of being my babysitter between now and then.

* * *

I sat on Tony's couch curled in a ball, wearing his Ohio State T-Shirt and a pair of his sweat pants. I was more comfortable than I had been, but the hospital trip had not been fun. I had just finished eating some pizza. He was washing the dishes. I stared at the blank television screen and then there was a knock on the door.

I gasped at the sudden noise and curled tighter into a ball. Tony walked into the living room and looked at me.

"It's okay," he whispered to me. "Just Gibbs."

I nodded. Gibbs had been the one who had picked out Tony's clothes since none of mine were left.

Tony opened the door and Gibbs came in with Abby and a couple of shopping bags. They came in and sat on either side of me on the couch. Tony went back to the dishes with a sad expression on his face.

"We brought some clothes," Gibbs said, putting an arm around my shoulders. "Abby's better with size and style. So she went shopping with me. How was the hospital?"

I shuddered. "Saw Jeanne Benoit," I whispered. "She was the doctor."

Gibbs pushed me back and looked at me. "Did she talk to Tony?"

"Yes," I said. "Unprofessionally. He turned down dinner with her to talk over whatever she felt she needed to talk about."

"Good," Gibbs said. "Did you mean what you said in your letter to me?"

I nodded at him. "Every word. Especially… especially the part about him."

"Still true?"

"Yes," I said. "All of it. I want to go back to work, Gibbs."

"Not until your shoulder is healed. Tony text me said another week or so for it. Then we can talk to Vance and see what we can do. I'm not going to make you be Mossad Liaison anymore. Unless, of course, you want that?" Gibbs asked.

I shook my head. "I want out of Mossad," I said clearly. "I want to become American."

"Then, that's what we'll do, kid," Gibbs said, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "Tony'll take good care of you. If not, you call me and I'll fix him."

I nodded and smiled at him and Abby as they got up and made to leave. Tony came back into the room and caught Gibbs by the good shoulder.

"I've got her, Gibbs," he said quietly.

"I know, Tony," Gibbs said. "Going to be a long road. If either of you need anything, you call. I'm always available. Also, door is always open."

"I know," Tony whispered. "Thanks, boss."

"You've got a week off, Tony, then you've got to come back to work. I convinced Vance to give you medical leave even though you aren't sick. We fudged a note."

"Thanks, boss," Tony said and closed the door behind him and Abby.


	23. A Very Long Night

A/N – Thank you all for the reviews and messages! I am so happy to hear when you like the story or even when you have suggestions! I love writing this story! I also live that you like this story. Thank you, thank you! Here is another chapter for you.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

* * *

**Chapter 23 - ****A Very Long Night**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

Tony closed the door behind Gibbs and Abby as they left. I had, of course, heard the whole exchange as I knew Tony had heard the one with me and Gibbs. I was a little nervous about what he might say, if he might say something at all. I did not know. I was watching him carefully.

The door latch clicked shut and he locked it and put the dead bolt on, probably to make me feel safe. I appreciated the gesture. He walked over to his movie collection and searched through it quickly, finding something and putting it on top of the DVD player without showing it to me. Then he faced me.

"Would you like a water or beer? I have wine, too, if you want that?" Tony asked.

"Water sounds fine, Tony. Thank you," I said quietly and he disappeared into the kitchen and came out with two large glasses of cold water.

He set the down and turned back to the DVD player. He picked up the movie and thought for a moment then turned back to his movie collection and put back whatever he had gotten out. Then he returned with another one and popped it in.

"I thought Beauty and the Beast was going to work, but then I thought about how Belle get's stuck staying in that castle and that didn't sound good," Tony said quietly, sitting nervously next to me. "So, I decided on Lilo and Stitch."

I smiled at him. He was so thoughtful about everything. It probably would have been fine, but he was really trying not to trigger anything bad in me and he was going to stay with me as long as I needed him.

I moved closer to him as the DVD started up. Our shoulders were touching, but he did not move his arm, perhaps he did not want to suggest anything by holding me. I leaned my head on his shoulder as the movie began and then he finally resigned and put his arm around my shoulders, holding me tight to his body.

We were a perfect fit, there was no denying it. My back was sore and my shoulder was pretty sore as well as another area. But, I felt safe, finally. I never wanted to leave this couch and sitting like this, but I knew that was impossible, considering we both desperately needed the sleep. It was only seven now, which meant that we still had a long night of the unknown coming up.

I had not really slept since leaving Somalia, afraid that some nightmare might come to me. Tony had noticed this and had noticed that when I did sleep I did have a nightmare. I think he was just as afraid to leave my side when the movie was over as I was to have him leave.

The movie did make me laugh, which was a good healthy thing for me. When it was finished I looked at Tony and felt like a child about to review the movie.

"My favorite part was where that little creature picked up the car and smacked someone over the head with it," I said quietly. "And the line about family. Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind."

"Never thought I would hear Ziva David quote a movie," Tony said, sounding impressed.

"That quote means more to me than I know how to say, Tony," I explained to him. "My family came halfway around the world to save me. I cannot honestly express how truly grateful I am for that."

Tony squeezed me tightly, pulling my back right off the couch and into his arms. I wrapped my good arm around him and held on as tight as I could, trying to give him every single emotion through that one hug. When he pulled away there were tears in his eyes. They were not the same kind of tears that he had cried hearing some of my story, but they were happy tears. I smiled at him and noticed that I had tears in my eyes as well.

"Ziva, you can stay here as long as you like," he whispered to me, looking as though he felt slightly awkward about the thought. "Even after you recover, if you don't want to find an apartment right away, or don't find the right one, or whatever. You are welcome to stay here."

"I thought your apartment was your sanctuary Tony?" I asked him. "I thought it was your space, where you went after work to be alone?"

"It used to be like that, Ziva," Tony said quietly, looking downward at his knees. "It's still my sanctuary, but it's not the same as it used to be. Living for four months without working with you… was difficult. But, then, thinking you were dead…. I like knowing you're here and safe. I want to know you're safe. You're welcome to make this your sanctuary too, for as long as you like."

There were tears in my eyes. They were tears of joy and tears of fear and tears of something else that I did not really understand. I was touched. My heart was warmed. I was loved. I had never felt so loved and cherished in all my life, no matter how broken I was. This was definitely a good part of the healing process, learning how loved I was. This was not something I had ever experienced as a child or even a young adult. But, here with Tony, after going through hell, I felt so very loved.

I leaned forward and placed my head right on his chest and his arms automatically encircled me and I did not even flinch this time, even though I had not expected the contact. I knew it was Tony and that was all that mattered right then.

After several minutes, I pulled away from him and looked him in the eyes.

"Thank you, Tony," I said to him quietly.

"You can take the bed, Ziva. That way I'm closer to the door," Tony said quietly.

"No, I will be fine on the couch, Tony. Besides you practically barricaded the door shut so no one can come in," I told him. "Your back will hurt if you sleep on the couch."

"And you've slept where, for the past four months?"

"Well, some of that time was travel. The first night back I did not sleep," I told him. "The second night I was traveling. I did not sleep in the hotel room in Jordan. I did sleep about three hours on the ship at one point and that bed was like sleeping on concrete. Then, when I slept in the sand when I was searching for Saleem's camp. Once I was caught I hardly slept, and when I did it was on a hard dirt floor, with wood somewhere under the dirt. There were times where I slept on my face, literally."

Tony's eyes were sad with where the conversation had turned, but I continued anyway, I had to get it out when it wanted to come out.

"The last night I hardly slept. Probably two hours, which was the most I slept at one time the entire time that I was there. It was something about knowing who was on the other side of the wall. I had seen McGee through the whole in the wall and even though I did not want anyone to see me like that, I felt safer knowing that you two were there, even though you were captured too. I slept curled in a ball on the hard dirty floor of that room with my back against the stone of the separating wall and my bottom against the wood of the outside wall. It was not horribly comfortable. The couch will feel like heaven Tony."

Tony came closer to me again. He reached up slowly and touched his hand to my cheek.

"You can sleep in the bed. Trust me, you've had worse sleeping conditions than I have for the past four months, not that I slept much. But, I will sleep easier knowing that you are further away from the door and that you are here and safe," Tony said, reassuring me while his thumb rubbed circles on my cheek. "If I'm in the same bed I've spent the last four months in, how do I know that this isn't a dream?"

I could see the hurt in his eyes. I could see the worry and the concern there, too. I knew that it was not going to just be a recovery process for me. This was his time to recover too and adjust to the fact that I was really alive. I reached up and touched his cheek, too. I nodded to him.

"It is not a dream, Tony," I whispered. "And, thank you. Perhaps we should get a second bed or a pullout couch to put somewhere in this apartment. That way you don't end up with back problems?"

"I'll think about it," Tony muttered.

I leaned in slowly and pressed a kiss to his cheek before getting up. When I did he looked totally stunned by the action and he looked as though he were restraining himself from doing something. I chuckled slightly because I knew that half of him wanted to push me and the smarter half was telling him that was a bad idea. I would have to be careful around him as well, if we were both going to survive the recovery process.

I walked into the bedroom and lied down on the twin-sized bed that he owned. I did not bother with the sheets at first. Then, I realized that I wanted them. I wanted to know that I was on a bed with pillows and covers.

I snuggled down and inhaled deeply as I smelled only Tony surrounding me. I was safe. I was home. I was far from whole, but I was already getting better. I had actually laughed today!

I drifted into an easy sleep with my happy thoughts. I noticed a dream coming on, what felt like right away.

_I opened my eyes and looked around me. I was in a small room with wooden walls and a dirt-covered solid floor. I could hear laughing as though the men outside were drunk. They were often drunk in the late-hours of the night. This was different though. They were louder, or closer, I could not tell which. It was late and I could tell because the moonlight no longer shone in the window. It was not the full moon, my favorite time to remember that Tony might be thinking about me too._

_I could hear the jokes getting louder and louder as the time went on. I could hear them laughing and joking with each other and about me. That made me shiver, just knowing they were thinking about the woman prisoner that they never saw. Then, my door opened and one of the men was standing there._

_"Hey beautiful," he said to me in Arabic. I cringed at the sight of the drunk man sitting there. "You up for a little fun, while good-old Saleem sleeps?"_

_I shuddered again as the man started to walk toward me. He touched my face and I squirmed. I knew what the best thing was to do. Wake Saleem up. Not that that was in my favor, but it was certainly not in his either, and that was the point._

_He put his hand on my shoulder and he began to move it down toward my elbow, then across toward my breast. I screamed a blood-curdling scream and soon there were men all over the place._

_"GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME!" I shouted at the top of my lungs._

_Within seconds Saleem was there and he hit the man hard across the face. He then pulled out a knife and stabbed him in the shoulder, disabling the man that had touched me. The look of sheer pain on his face was enough to make me cringe. But, it was the kick in my ribs that I feared._

_"You're a whore," Saleem said quietly to me and touched me inappropriately._

I woke with a start, yelling out and crying. My door was already opened the rest of the way, but I curled myself in a ball and hugged my knees. I felt the bed shift that I was sitting on and I did not dare to look up.

"Ziva, it's alright. You're safe. I promise. Your in America. In Washington, DC. I'm here. It's Tony," Tony's voice called to me.

I looked at him, stopping the rocking, suddenly feeling more at ease. He moved a little closer to me and put one hand on top of mine very gently.

"I'm here," he whispered.

I nodded and slowly let go of my knees, relaxing a little. I looked into his eyes, wondering if I should talk about it.

"Do you want to tell me?" he asked.

I nodded slowly and continued to look at him. He opened one arm, offering a place of comfort for me. I gladly accepted it and joined him, placing my head on his shoulder. I told him about the dream in as much detail as I could remember. I could feel him cringe when I told him where both men had touched me. I cringed too and clung to Tony tighter. My body was not theirs to touch.

"Why did he call you a whore?"

"That was only a rough translation," I said. "The word he used is something far worse."

"Why?" Tony asked.

"He… he thought of me as his property," I explained. "He had already… forced me to do some things. Nothing… too horrible… maybe."

I was not so sure.

"You don't have to talk about it, if you don't want to," Tony reminded me.

I nodded to him. "He wanted me to earn my water," I said quietly, hiding my face in Tony's neck and inhaling his scent so that I had to remember that I was safe. "He said that to earn it, I had to… to please him. I refused, but… he would force open my… my mouth and… and he'd make me please him… or rather he'd please himself."

I was shivering just thinking about it. I had felt Tony wince as the story began. He squeezed my shoulders a little tighter and I held onto him a little tighter. I could not sleep now. I knew he could not either. I was so tired and I just wanted one peaceful night of sleep. Was that too much to ask?

I felt tears slipping from my eyes and knew when Tony felt them, too. His posture shifted a little, as he looked down at me.

"Ziva?"

"I just want to sleep!" I said to him through the tears. "That is all I have wanted for a long time!"

He rubbed my arm and said "Shh" knowing that nothing would really help comfort the agony I was feeling. After I settled a little, he shifted so we could look at each other.

"Sleep, Ziva," he whispered to me and let go of my shoulders.

I felt desperate for the warmth and safety of his arms again. I grabbed his wrist and looked wildly into his eyes.

"Don't go," I said in no more than a breathy whisper.

His eyes widened a little and he looked at me curiously. He was hesitant to give me that request, I could see the fear on his face.

"Please, Tony," I said quietly. "Just… hold me?"

He nodded slowly and held me tight in his arms again. He laid us down. My back was to him and his arms were wrapped around me in a protective manner. I did not sleep right away. We did not talk. We just laid there. After a couple of hours I felt his body relax a little more, but he was not asleep yet.

Sleep took me first. It was still an uneasy sleep and I did have a nightmare though it was not as bad. It was just a beating and when I woke up sweating he rubbed my arm in a comforting way. I did not go back to sleep. I knew that this was going to be far longer than we both thought it would be. But, we would make it through this eventually.

When the sky began to get light outside, I looked at the window.

"Did you sleep?" I asked him.

"Not really," he said honestly. "You?"

"Not really," I admitted. "Coffee?"

"Yes. We have to change that bandage on your back, though. Go ahead to the bathroom. Let me know when it's okay to come in."

"Where are the bandages?" I asked him.

"Right here," Tony said, picking them up off his dresser.

I pulled his shirt off without a second thought and he frowned at me, but then smiled. He was starting to see that I trusted him. I turned my back to him. His hand found the clasp on my bra easily, which I had worn to bed on purpose.

"Do you mind?" he asked quietly.

"Go ahead, Dr. DiNozzo," I joked and smiled a little.

I heard him chuckle. A laugh was nice after the long night. I felt the bra loosen and then he worked slowly and carefully on removing the bandage and cleaning out the cuts on my back. Then he placed a new bandage over it and put some medical tape on to hold it in place. He went to reach for the bra, but it had fallen. He stopped when he realized it wasn't there.

"Ziva?" he asked.

I picked up the bra and moved it around so that he could grab the ends and clasp it. I was glad he had not done something I would have thought was typical DiNozzo and left his hand on the side of my ribs or moved it a little closer suggestively. I was smiling at his care and smiling at how gentle he was being. I replaced the shirt carefully, so as not to destroy the bandage or my shoulder. I really wanted to go back to work soon.

"Thank you, Tony," I said as I turned around and looked at him.

"You're welcome. Here, antibiotic," he said quietly, handing me a pill.

I made a face but took it anyway. Then, we went to his kitchen and made the coffee and some breakfast. It was nice to have real food, that was hot, and coffee again. I did feel like I was in heaven and I did feel very safe, as long as I was awake.


	24. Tense

A/N – I had this in mind and had to write and post it. I know it soon after the last post. But, when inspiration strikes, I have to write!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.

* * *

**Chapter 24 - T****ense**

**Washington, DC**

Tony's POV

It had been a week. A whole week that we had been back in America. A week filled with nearly sleepless nights. A week filled with recovering (as long as we were both awake). A week of comforts and amenities and movies and take-out and even one dinner out. A week with Ziva. It was like a week in heaven.

I had seen, already, some major improvements in Ziva. I had seen her smile, laugh, cry, laugh so hard she cried. I saw some light and hope return into her eyes. But, she was still not the same with her eyes. She was far more open than she had ever been before in her entire life, although sometimes we talked about little nothings and that was it. But, other times we would talk about things that mattered.

I learned more about Ziva's father and the way she grew up. I learned more about Ari and Tali when they were children. I learned about the sorts of missions she did when she first started in Mossad. I learned when she first started in Mossad. I learned that she never had any real friends that she could trust. I also learned some of the more harmless (if you can call it that) things that Saleem did to her in Somalia.

We were far from done recovering when the week of no work let up. Her shoulder was fully functional. Her back looked a lot better, though it was definitely going to leave a scar and the scab was really itchy she told me. Her eyes looked better. There was color in her cheeks. Her body temperature was normal, because the infection was gone. She was hydrated. She even started to gain some of her weight and strength back too.

But, there were things that were not good at all. She had nightmares. I had nightmares. She had flashbacks. We fought a couple times over nothing at all when we were too tired to really know what we were saying to each other, but those had all turned out well. The best news was that we did not have to involve Gibbs yet. But, we were not getting any sleep.

The most sleep we got during any one night was four hours broken into two parts on the third night we were back in my apartment. The dark circles were definitely still present under her eyes and I was sure they were still present under mine. But, even with a lack of sleep and a lot to sort through in our minds, we were getting along very well.

The thing that surprised me most, was how much Ziva really trusted me. She showed me this often. After a nightmare she would want me to hold her, because I would always go into the bedroom and check on her. I had refused to buy another bed or different couch. I just slept on the couch. My back was sore, but I never complained, though I was certain she knew. Ziva had me help her clean her back and keep it bandaged when it needed it. She let me help her brush her hair or hook her bra when her shoulder was still bothering her. She had shown me a great deal of trust. She almost never flinched when I touched her anymore, even if I did come up at her from behind. I was amazed at how quick her trust in me returned.

Today, though. Today we were going back to work. We had just gotten up from another shared night in the bed. Well, I guess I was going back to work and she was going to talk to Vance. Ziva didn't even have a car. That was bad. She was going to be stuck in the office all day, unless she took a taxi or the bus back. We had not discussed this. I frowned at the thought.

Ziva interrupted my thoughts. She came up behind me, without making a sound and she wrapped her arms around my waist. I felt her head rest on my back. If someone saw us together they would probably swear that we were a couple and Ziva had never been held captive for three months in a terrorist training camp.

"Does work change this?" she asked me, her voice laced with concern.

I spun around and wrapped my arms around her, still moving carefully. I looked into her curious, chocolate eyes and shook my head.

"No, Ziva," I said firmly. "Nothing changes this. I'll always be here. You are first. Work is second. Despite whatever Gibbs might say."

"Thank you, Tony," Ziva said with a nod. "Something tells me that he might not disagree with you, though."

Tony smiled. "You know something I don't?"

"I have a little insight, yes," Ziva said, blushing a little.

I reached my hand up and brushed the color that flooded her cheek. I smiled at her as her face turned a little more red.

"I never thought I would see a more beautiful thing in my life," I whispered without thinking and then immediately took my hands off her.

Was that a crossed line? What if that caused some reaction in her that I didn't want it to cause? What if that sent her flying with all the wrong thoughts? I was not in this for me. I was in this for the health and sanity of Ziva and I just said that. Why did I speak my mind?

* * *

Ziva's POV

I saw the panic in his eyes and frowned when he pulled away from me. I took a step toward him and placed my hands on top of his and he laced our fingers together automatically, still looking panicked. He had spoken his mind and that was fine with me. I knew that he was not going to push anything.

"Thank you, Tony," I said quietly, wondering what kind of a reaction that would get out of him.

His face turned from panicked to confused, but he did not say anything. I wondered what he was thinking. He had just told me that the blush on my cheeks was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen, basically. Honestly, that was a compliment. A few weeks ago I didn't think I would live long enough to blush, smile, laugh, or be content again. That was all possible now, and it was thanks to Tony. He was certainly allowed a compliment if he wanted to make one.

"Tony?" I asked.

"You're not mad?" he asked.

"Why would I be mad?" I asked him.

"I... I just said… that was selfish," he muttered, hunting for the right words.

"Those words… Tony, they mean a lot," I said to him, blushing again. "Hearing that I am beautiful, or that me blushing is beautiful… and having you mean it… hearing them meant with the heart… it is something that I never thought I would hear from anyone again, let alone you."

So maybe being open about this was harder than I thought it would be. How come I could tell him all kinds of embarrassing stories, but sharing my feelings was so hard? How come feelings were always so hard for me? It did not matter. I thought I had gotten it across to him what I meant.

His face was shocked at first. Then he comprehended the words and knew what I was trying to say. He smiled at me and pressed a palm to my cheek one more time. I leaned into his touch without even realizing what I was doing. I did not know what to say. I was overwhelmed with the feel and scent of Tony. I had spent a whole week in his apartment.

We had rules though. The rules were unspoken. We always started our night in separate beds, and were determined at the beginning of the night to stay that way. I would have a nightmare which would ruin it. I always had to ask him to stay though. He always waited for the invitation. I was impressed with this.

We also did not touch inappropriately. We would hug. He would hold me or I would hold him. He would touch my hair or help me with bandages or something. But, our hands never strayed. I kissed him on the cheek a couple of times, but he never made a move to kiss me on the cheek or anywhere else. And we did not talk of feelings toward each other or thoughts we had or anything like that. We did not exchange compliments. Surely, he felt that this was crossing the line, but it was not. It was appropriate and I was comfortable with it.

"You are beautiful, Ziva," Tony whispered hesitantly, breaking our former lines again, testing the waters. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever met."

I smiled at him and it was a genuine smile. I had never felt so happy hearing those words from anyone before. From Tony it was like hearing a whole different compliment.

"Let's go, before you are late to work on your first day back," I said to him, glancing at his watch, which was on the wrist that still held my hand.

Being at NCIS had proven itself to be difficult and something entirely new. I had not had a flashback or anything like that. I had had a panic attack in the conference room, where I had escaped when one of the workers started to flirt with me. Perhaps it was just Tony that I trusted. Perhaps I needed to get out more. I did not know, I did not want to know.

I was pacing his apartment. Gibbs had bought me a car and Tony had given me his key. I did not know how to thank either of them. I paced now. I was so tense and the loneliness that was in his apartment now was not good. It was getting late and I could not even think about dinner right now. I was beginning to panic.

I picked up my phone without even thinking about what I was doing and I dialed the number for Tony's cell phone. I heard it ring three times before he finally answered it.

"DiNozzo?" he said.

"Tony," I said to him, but I did not know if I could say much more. My voice sounded strange to me. It was filled with panic. It was filled with tension. It was filled with nerves.

"Ziva, are you okay?"

"I... I... I'm alone," I said finally, unable to find any other word to describe what I was feeling.

"Hang on a second, Ziva," Tony said and I could hear what was being said through the phone. "Boss, can I go, since we only have paperwork. I _think_ Ziva needs me."

_"She alright, DiNozzo?"_ Gibbs voice asked.

"She sounds like she's panicking and all she would tell me was that she was alone," Tony said quietly. "Boss she hasn't sounded that panicked… well, ever. Not even in the last week. I'm worried."

_"Go, Tony. Don't forget the paperwork tomorrow," _Gibbs told him.

"I'm on my way, Ziva. Sit tight. Or stand. Or whatever you want. I'll be home soon. I'll text you when I'm there, so you know to expect someone coming in," Tony said to me, being cautious as always.

"Thank you," I squeaked out.

I hung up the phone and sat down on Tony's couch, then I stood up again. I went and grabbed one of the pillows off his side of the bed, since he usually stayed there through most of the night. I went back to the couch and hugged it tightly, taking in his scent and allowing it to calm me a little.

I knew why I was panicking. I had to pass a battery of psychological evaluations, which meant that I actually had to talk to someone that was not Tony with Tony not in the room with me. I also had to pass a full physical examination from a Navy doctor, and they would not allow another agent in the room with me.

I squeezed the pillow tighter as my phone vibrated. I saw that it was Tony's name and I did not even reach for it. Only a few seconds after the locks started to click on the door and Tony came through the door. I stood up off the couch and flew into his arms before he had even opened them all the way.

I cried into his chest. I was afraid of crying alone now. Before I never cried in front of anyone, but now I realized that I had waited to let go of my tears until Tony was there. I was terrified and panicked and many things negative and I just needed Tony.

His arms wrapped tightly around me, holding me in place, giving me the safety that I needed. He could feel that I was tense along with my sobs. He had even seen that I was panicked and I knew that from the concern in his eyes when ours had locked onto each other. He did not know what caused this, but I would tell him when I had cried it out.

We stood there, in his doorway for a long time. When I was under control again, I pulled him, by the hand, into his apartment. He closed the door behind him and I pulled him to the couch.

"Tony, I need to pass a psych eval and a physical exam!" I said to him. "On my own! I need to talk to someone and let someone touch me!"

I was still panicking.

"Ziva," he said quietly, his eyebrows raised. "When do you need to pass them by?"

"Before I can work again," I said quietly. "Before I can even fill out the application!"

"You can do it," he said hesitantly. "But, I understand your concerns. Are you allowed to have me there when they do the doctor's appointment?"

"I did not ask Vance that. He said no other agents around for the exams," I told him. "But I don't know what he meant by that."

"I'll talk to Gibbs tomorrow about it," Tony said. "As for the psych evaluation. Fudge it."

"You want me to make it up, Tony?" I asked him.

"Sure," he said with a shrug. "If you're not comfortable talking about something, you don't have to. That's all."

I nodded to him, feeling less panicked than before, but was still very tense. He could see that I was tense. He moved closer to me and put his hands on my shoulders. I looked him in the eyes.

"Do you really think I can do that?"

"Yes," he said confidently. "You've come a long way. I mean, neither of us is by any means there, but we've both come a long way, together."

I nodded to him. We had done it together. We had nightmares together. We had good times together and bad times together. But, now I had to do this without him. I was scared. I leaned into him and he wrapped his arms around me in a comforting way.

"Movie?" he asked.

I nodded into his chest, but did not move. After a moment, I realized that he needed to get up for me to watch a movie with him. I did not pay attention to what we were watching, I only knew that it was nothing that could trigger anything. Actually, I knew that it was a very happy and over the top movie. But, that was all I had realized.

I sighed heavily. I had to stop panicking over nothing. When the movie finished, I got up to go to bed.

"You better?"

I nodded, but did not move. I reached and grabbed his hand, pulling him off the couch without another word. He looked at me curiously as I dragged him down the hallway as I walked backward. His eyebrows narrowed as I pulled him into the bedroom and closed the door.

"Ziva?"

"Stay with me tonight, Tony," I requested.

He nodded. This was breaking another rule that we had silently put into place. He kept looking at me for a moment, while I watched him.

"Are you sure, Ziva?" he asked.

"I do not want to be alone," I said to him.

He nodded again. I walked to his dresser and pulled out a shirt and long shorts to wear to bed. He did the same. We changed facing away from each other. I would imagine he was done first, because I did not hear anymore movements. As I went to put the shirt on, a spot on my scab came open painfully.

"Tony, get a washcloth so we can wash my back off."

He did and came back and washed my back for me. Before I put the shirt on I spun in his arms and looked up at him. He stared carefully into my eyes.

"Thank you," I said to him and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

When I pulled away, I did not pull very far away. I found myself lost in his eyes and very close to him. We had never dared to look each other in the eyes when we were standing this close. I could see and feel too much standing that close. I wrapped my arms around him as his encircled me. Our noses were merely a centimeter apart and I could feel his warm breath on my face. I hesitated there a moment. Our noses brushed very lightly and then I lowered my face and placed it on his chest and squeezed my arms around him tightly.

What was I thinking?


	25. What the?

A/N – This chapter is interesting. It changes everything just a little more. So, enjoy, and I hope you will.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

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**Chapter 25 - ****What the…?**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

**_What was I thinking?_**

We stayed in each other's arms for a long while, just taking in all that had just transpired. My face was pressed into his chest and his head was resting on mine. My heart was flying faster than it had in a very long time and my breath was coming in quick spurts. I could feel his heart pounding against me as I rested my forehead against his chest.

We had just been nose to nose and staring into each other's eyes. We had both been thinking about it. What surprised me was how much I wanted to kiss him in that moment. That was definitely crossing the lines. That was definitely not what we should be doing only a week after returning home. What the hell was that?

My emotions flew. I already knew that I loved Tony. The butterflies in my stomach were a statement to that. The knot of nerves in my stomach proved that I might just be ready for this. But, how did I know? I did not and could not, until I acted on it. What would have happened if I had acted on it? My mind was flying with thoughts and emotions.

After several minutes of just standing in Tony's arms, my heart rate came down, my breathing leveled out, and I relaxed a little. I could feel that Tony's heart rate was calmer too. I was not sure I was ready to meet his gaze when I did decide to look up. I took in a breath and dared to look into his green eyes.

I was met with a gaze of adoration. His eyes were gentle and he was smiling at me. I was sure that only a few moments before he was struggling with his own thoughts and emotions, but now he was at ease. Now he was simply admiring me. I couldn't help but return his smile.

Without another word I pulled my shirt on, realizing I was totally topless still and pulled him toward the bed. I had to admit that I was surprised that Tony's eyes never wandered from my face in all that time that I had remained topless. He laid down and opened his arm for me, as we always did, but usually after a nightmare.

I curled into his side and placed my head over his heart. I smiled as I snuggled into his side. I fit perfectly and felt like I belonged there. This was not how we usually slept. Usually my back was to him and I allowed him to wrap his arms around me protectively. Now, I was full into his side. His arm hesitated a moment and I could feel a slight chuckle that never escaped his lips. Then, he wrapped his arms around me and held me protectively where I was.

I slid into an easy and dreamless sleep. It was relaxing and the scent of Tony was filling my nose. And, though no nightmares came, I still did not get a full night of sleep. At some point I did start to dream.

_We were standing in a darkened room, staring into each other's eyes. Our faces were so close together that we could feel each other's breath brushing across our faces. His arms were wrapped around me and mine around him. Finally, I leaned in and pressed my eager lips to his. My eyes slid closed and our lips parted. Our tongues began a sort of tango, working with each other's. Tony's hands wandered a little, hugging my every curve and exploring the body that was long hidden to him._

_When we parted, I could see lust and love filling those green eyes of his. My heart was racing and my breath was coming up short. I wanted more. I leaned back in and began another passionate kiss. He pressed my back up against the wall, one hand laced through my hair and the other at the base of my back. I slid one hand down his back as his hand slid to my butt and then my upper thigh. As I picked the leg up, my hand slipped under his shirt, meeting his skin._

I woke with a start. I was startled. My breath was catching in my throat and there was sweat dripping from me, as though I had actually been experiencing that. I noted our position. Our legs were tangled together and my head was resting at the base of his neck, with my hand on his bare stomach. His hand was at the base of my back, touching the skin there. I knew he was awake and fully aware that I had been dreaming of something. I picked my head up and glanced at the clock.

Two in the morning. That was the longest amount of sleep that I had gotten in a very long time. My heart was racing and there was heat between my legs that I had not felt in a very long time. My breath hitched a little more as I noted this. I sat up and ran my fingers through the mess of curls on my head.

"Nightmare?" Tony asked, sitting up and putting one arm around me.

"Not exactly," I whispered, my voice low and suggestive. The butterflies in my stomach caused a knot to form and my breath to catch a little further. What the hell was that? "Excuse me."

I got out of bed and heard Tony follow me. But, he did not say anything and did not push the subject. Everything was apparently still so sensitive around me. When had this change taken place? What would have happened if I had kissed him.

I made my way into the living room area and walked over to the piano, where my phone was. I put both my hands on the piano and lowered my head, trying to collect my thoughts and think clearly about anything. But, the more I thought the more my heart raced and the more nervous and excited I felt.

I picked up the phone and dialed out the number, staring at it for a moment and thinking. We had never had to use Gibbs' offer to call at whatever hour of the day or night. Could I talk to Tony about this? Should I talk to Tony about this? Sure, I could, but I did not know if I should. Gibbs was the only other person I would trust with anything of the sort, not that he liked details.

I glanced over my shoulder. Tony was standing in the doorway to the living room and watching me. His eyes were curious and he was wondering what this was about. I had left him totally out of the loop, other than the fact that I had not had a nightmare and had to get up out of a bed that we were sharing to compose myself. I could not find composure.

I hit send on the phone and pressed it to my ear. I was going to take Gibbs up on his offer. I sighed. The phone only rang once before a sleepy voice answered on the other end.

"Yea, Gibbs?" asked the voice, sounding as though he were still half asleep.

"Gibbs," I said into the phone.

"Ziva. Everything okay?" he asked with a slight groan at the time.

"Um… I'm not sure," I said to him uncertainly.

How was I supposed to do this? I did not even know where this had come from? The only clear thought I had was: what the fuck?

"What's wrong?" Gibbs asked.

"Dream that I cannot shake," I whispered.

"Nightmare?" he asked.

"No," I said. "Not a nightmare. Something else that has nothing to do with Somalia."

"Talk to me, Ziva," Gibbs said. "What was the dream about?"

"Gibbs? You do not like details, yes?" I asked clarifying what I thought to be true.

"Keep it simple," he said.

"Well… Tony," I said to him quietly.

I could hear a sharp intake of breath and I could hear the bed below him shift as he sat up in the bed.

"Oh!" his voice said suddenly, realizing exactly what the dream was about. "How far did the dream go?"

"Not far," I said. "It startled me."

"How far? Were you about to… you know? Or were you still at the beginning? Kissing, small touches, you know?"

"Beginning," I said to him. "It just startled me."

"What do you feel? Panicked?"

"Not at all," I said. "I feel… well… I want…."

"Got it," Gibbs said. "Good sign. What triggered it?"

"We almost kissed last night," I said to him.

I wondered if there was ever such a short sided conversation on both sides before. Gibbs, who did not like to talk much and me who did not like to talk much. Here we were not talking much on both ends of the conversation. Made for many exchanges in turn to talk.

"When?"

"Before we went to bed," I said to him.

"How long before?"

"About five minutes," I said to him.

"And you sleep separately," he said quietly.

"Not last night," I whispered, almost afraid to admit it. "And not most nights by the end of the night."

"No nightmares at all tonight?" he asked. "Were you sleeping in his arms or something?"

"Usually am when we share," I admitted sheepishly. "Gibbs, am I ready for this?"

"How do you feel when you think about it?"

"Nervous and excited," I said to him.

"Yes," he said simply. "Ziva, it's time to talk to Tony. It's time to share this with him. It's time to show him how you feel and eventually tell him."

"Thank you," I said quietly.

"No problem. I'm going to get some more sleep," he said quietly and hung up the phone.

I hung up mine as well. My mind was still flying and there was still a heat inside me that was so foreign to me. I was not entirely sure what to do with it. When I finally let out a breath I did not know I was holding, it rattled a little. I grabbed what little confidence I had and turned around.

Tony was still standing in the doorway, leaning his side into it and looking at me. His eyes were wide. He was curious and concerned. He was wondering what was bothering me that I could not talk to him about. But, he was being oddly patient considering how open we had been in the past week about the nightmares and all that I had been through.

We stood there looking at each other for a moment, while my mind flew with wild thoughts of what I wanted to do with him. Eventually, I shook my head and leaned my back against the piano, thinking that this was a safer distance to talk from.

"Ziva?" he asked finally seeing that I was ready to talk.

"I did not know if I _should_ talk to you about that or not," I said to him. "I can. I just did not know if I should."

"What?"

"My dream," I said quietly.

"Which was not a nightmare, I got that. Was it a bad dream?"

"No," I said to him, shaking my head. "It was actually rather… pleasant." His eyes widened as he stood straight and away from the doorway. "It just startled me, that's all. Of all of the things to dream about, that was not what I expected."

"You were having a sex dream?" he asked curiously, his eyes a little hurt, though he was trying to hide it. He was obviously assuming that it was someone else in my dream.

"Well, it did not go that far," I admitted to him. "It was only just some kissing. Some touching. You know. It just startled me. I did not think that even my subconscious was ready to consider thinking about sex."

His eyes widened more. We were openly talking about this. We were openly talking about a sex dream and he did not even know the subject of the dream yet.

"Was it someone you knew, at least? Who was in your dream?"

I pushed away from the piano and walked up to him. His expression was darkened by jealousy. It felt cruel to make him wait so long for an answer, but I had to be close to him. I could not resist the contact that I had grown to need over the past week. I depended on that contact. I needed that contact. And I wanted that contact.

I walked right up to him and placed both my hands on his chest. His arms wrapped automatically around me, but the jealousy remained in his eyes and the concern on his face. I looked straight into those green eyes that stared back at me.

"You," I whispered and wrapped my arms around his neck.

This was not what he expected from me. He had not expected me to be this close to him or to press my entire self into him as I told him that I was having a dream about him that led to sex. His heart was pounding and so was mine. They were beating almost in unison. He held me tight to his body, fighting some urge, judging by the look in his eyes.

"And?" he asked.

"And, I liked it," I said. "I liked the dream, that is. I liked what we were doing. I liked thinking about it. It just startled me that that was where the dream went."

I leaned up and into him and pressed my lips to his. We were both shocked by this and stayed there a short moment to adjust to the new contact between us. Then, our mouths parted at the same time and we hesitated, his hands tightening on my body, protectively. Our tongues found each other's and started to explore a little. They were not battling for dominance and it was nothing like our undercover kiss.

This kiss was tender. It was filled with passion. But, it was cautious. We were definitely testing the waters and pushing the boundaries with each other. My heart was racing. My fingers found his hair and laced through it. One of his hands moved up my back, slowly, so as not to cause any pain from the healing gash there. He laced his fingers through my curls, locking my face to his, but not too tightly, so I knew I had an escape.

The kiss deepened for a moment and then our hands started to wander a little. He was cautious though. His hands never left my back and sides. Mine never left his back and hair. He was respecting me, but the heat inside me was too much. I moaned and my eyes squeezed shut tightly as I broke the kiss, knowing that if we continued it, it would go too far for one night.

We rested our foreheads together. Our bodies were still pressed together. Aside from what that kiss did to me, I could feel exactly what it did to him and I smiled and even giggled a little bit. I felt like a teenage girl who was falling head over heels for her biggest crush. I heard him laugh too.

"What is so funny, Ziva?" he asked.

"Not funny, just pleasant," I whispered, looking up at him and pressing another kiss to his lips, but not allowing this one to go as far as the other one had. "I could get used to that."

"Mmm?" he hummed, smiling. "I think I could, too."

Now I smiled. I took his hand and looked back toward the bedroom. He hesitated and I looked at him.

"It might be better if I slept on the couch," he suggested, glancing down at himself and knowing that I was feeling the same way by the look in my eyes.

"It might be better for what we want and what we're not ready for, yes. But, I really do prefer that kind of dream over the nightmares, Tony," I admitted to him.

He leaned in and I could feel his breath on the skin of my neck, sending shivers down my spine. "I should hope so," he whispered and pulled back to see that I was okay, since he felt the shudder in me. He met a smile on my face and returned it. "Do you know what made me believe you were alive?"

I shook my head and gave him a curious look. "What?" I asked.

"Your letter, Ziva," Tony said. "I got it. Gibbs gave it to me, as you asked. The part where you said you were fighting for me. It's how I knew. I knew you were good to your word after opening up that much. I knew you couldn't have died on the Damocles like it was reported. You would fight harder than that."

I smiled. "You were right," I said to him. "But, I was not even on the ship when it sank. I did not even know it sank until this week when you told me about it. I did fight, Tony. I fought for you the whole time. This was never their body to touch and it was never my permission that they needed to ask."

His eyes widened again and he cocked his head to the side curiously.

"It was your permission they needed, Tony," I whispered to him quietly, tears filling my eyes as two emotions coursed through me.

The love I felt for Tony, which was being brought out now, along with the pain of what was done to me in our time apart was too much. It brought tears to my eyes. But, the love overwhelmed the pain and I leaned up on my toes and kissed him again. This was a little different. This was passionate and I poured my heart out into the kiss. It was not rushed, but it was hungrier than the last kiss. It was desperate to tell him all that I could not yet say. When we broke apart, we were both desiring more.

"I know," he whispered quietly. "I know how you feel, Ziva. I feel the same."

"I know," I said and his eyes widened in wonder. "What else would drive a man crazy enough to travel halfway around the world on either a vendetta or a rescue mission?"

We both smiled. Something good came out of all this. Something very good and very natural. Something we had both been longing for, for longer than we were willing to admit tonight. And what the hell were we doing? Who knew, but it felt so right!


	26. Almost Better

A/N – Here's another one for you.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

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**Chapter 26 - ****Almost Better**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

Today was the third of three days of psychological evaluations. Here I was, sitting in the middle of it, when he started to ask about the end of my time with Saleem Ulman in the terror camp. I told him what happened, which was hard enough to endure. But, then the next question came.

"How does that make you feel?" he asked sincerely.

"Are you serious? How would you feel?" I asked him.

He looked at me concerned. I was completely calm as I asked him this. I only thought he was nuts for asking the question. I thought he was completely nuts, but I knew that the question had to be asked.

"Sometimes I do not feel safe in my own skin," I said honestly. "Sometimes it does not affect me but there are other times. I have nightmares sometimes. But I handle it."

"Do you handle it on your own, or do you turn to a friend for help?"

"I turn to a friend," I said as honestly as I could, but that caused a whole new plethora of my own personal questions to ask myself.

I turned to Tony. Was Tony merely a friend? One did not typically just kiss their friend seemingly out of the blue night after night. One did not share their bed with their friend every night. One did not walk so gently and gingerly around a friend constantly. One did not try to figure out everything their friend would need and make sure they had it. One did not offer their sanctuary to become their friend's sanctuary also. Especially when these two friends were of the opposite gender and so clearly attracted to each other.

"Okay," he said. "Do you become disoriented after a nightmare?"

"At first I did," I said. "But, my friend is always there for me. My friend has always been there for me. I know where I am and what happened when I wake up now. I am no longer disoriented."

"Is your friend a male or a female?"

"Male," I said through my teeth.

"Are you staying with him?"

"At the moment yes," I said.

"Are you confused at all by your friendship?"

"No," I lied. Yes, I was confused. We were so much more than friends. "What is there to get confused about a friendship?"

"Between a man and a woman, many things," the psychologist said with a smile. "Have you or your friend ever crossed a line that you were not comfortable crossing?"

"No," I said. That was not a lie, but that was because Tony and I were not just friends.

"Okay. All seems like you are thinking clearly," the man said. "You're free to go."

"Thank you," I said and exited the conference room that I was in.

I stopped on the catwalk. Tony was downstairs. I had to go into Vance's office as soon as the psychologist was done talking to him. The psychologist went right by me. Tony's eyes locked with mine and we shared a smile.

"DiNozzo? You going to focus or stare up at David all day?"

"Just making sure she's okay, you know?" Tony said with a smile on his face.

I was smiling when my eyes met Gibbs. I gave him a nod and smiled wider. Then, I turned to walk away from their eyes. I waited for Vance.

Tony's POV

"How's she been lately, since she called me the other night?" Gibbs asked, walking over to Tony's desk and squatting down so that the conversation became more private.

"Good," I said.

"She ever tell you what she was dreaming about, DiNozzo?"

My heart seemed to have skipped a beat. She had told me what the dream was about. But it had nearly killed me when she went into detail. And the dreams kept coming back. Every single night. They would get longer and longer each night, allowing her to sleep a little more and they increased her confidence as well as her desire and mine, when she told me about them. It had been two weeks since that first dream.

"Yea, she did," I admitted.

"All solved?"

"Solved, boss?" Tony asked.

"Yea. She okay with the dream?"

"Boss, she's still having _those_ dreams," Tony said quietly. "Not going to push."

"I was going to say fix it," Gibbs said. "But, apparently she's not comfortable with going all the way yet. Not surprised."

"Boss?" Tony asked.

"Get to fixing it, DiNozzo. Make her comfortable," Gibbs said.

"Boss?" Tony asked again as Gibbs stood up. "Rule twelve?"

"Yea, what about it?" Gibbs asked curiously. "She isn't a coworker."

"And what happens when she is?" I asked, curious to know what he thought about this whole new situation.

"Tony, come with me," Gibbs said and walked over toward the elevator.

They stepped in. It started. Gibbs stopped it. Gibbs slapped him lightly on the back of the head.

"What was that for?"

"For not telling her how you feel yet," Gibbs said. "And for asking so many god damn questions in the squad room."

"Sorry, boss. I know you don't like details…."

"I'd like to know, what exactly you've done and if her dreams have gotten there yet?"

"Um… yes," Tony said quietly. "Her dreams are there. But, she's always so shocked and scared when she wakes up. Not comfortable with it, or something. Or afraid that she won't be. But, I... I don't push her, boss. I kind of let her take the lead."

"Ever think that maybe you need to take the lead and just monitor her for when she's uncomfortable. Come on, I know you two are basically psychic with each other and all that," Gibbs said.

"Sure, boss," Tony said, feeling uncomfortable talking about Ziva this way with his boss.

Ziva's POV

"It's in Gibbs' hands now. As soon as your application passes through, then we'll figure it all out," Vance told me and I nodded. "Already filled it out for you, just needs a signature."

He placed the application in front of me and I signed the bottom. I had also started the citizenship process

"Thank you, director," I said and left the room.

I went straight to the squad room and saw Tony and Gibbs coming out of the elevator. I walked up to them and they were both looking at me. I smiled and nodded. I practically had the job already. Gibbs looked up at the catwalk and nodded to Vance and Vance gave him a small nod and walked back into his office.

I threw my arms around Tony and he wrapped his around me. I smiled up at him. "Long as Gibbs is alright with it, I'm back on," I told him.

Tony bent down and pressed a kiss to my lips and I forced myself not to get lost in it, since I had been getting more and more lost every time we kissed. Though, I wished that Tony might take the lead a little.

"Gibbs will only have a problem with it if I have to watch this every day of my life. Honestly, if you need to do that while you're here, just go to the conference room, or the elevator," Gibbs said.

I pulled away from Tony, blushing and turned a smile toward Gibbs. There was no one else there. But, McGee came up then and looked at the strange way that Tony and I were standing. I saw him behind Tony and smiled.

"I miss something?" McGee asked, curious as to why I was in Tony's arms and looking at him like that.

"Too many things to tell you about now, McGee," Gibbs said. "You two, get out of here, McGee and I will finish up the paperwork."

I smiled at Gibbs and so did Tony. When I looked at McGee he was frowning in confusion and I nearly laughed.

"Wasn't she in Somalia like three weeks ago?"

"What's your point, McGee?"

"She looks like the old Ziva, but happier," McGee said to Gibbs.

"I'm still here, McGee," I said. "I am mostly back to myself, but happier."

Then the elevator opened, allowing me to leave him with his thoughts. Once in the elevator, Tony pressed his lips to me again, pushing my back up against the wall of the elevator and I smiled against his lips, before allowing our tongues to start their usual dance. His hands did not wander in the elevator, though I could tell that it was taking him some effort to keep them still. It was also taking me a great deal of effort to keep mine still.

When the door opened he pulled away reluctantly and looked at me with those fabulous green eyes.

"So, what the psycho want to know today?"

I frowned at him. "He asked about the remaining time in Somalia and how it made me feel," I said. "He said something Tony…."

"What?" Tony asked, seeing my frown. "What did he say that puts that confusion on your beautiful face?"

"He asked if I ever turned to a friend," I explained simply. "I fudged it. Tony, what are we?"

His eyes widened. "More than friends," he responded. "Ziva, would you be so willing to date me, honestly? I mean, I'm the guy with _that_ reputation. I'm the guy who gets the girls and that's what they all know me as. They don't think I date. You never thought I dated. I mean, honest. Do you really want to go there, with me?"

I stopped him from continuing into his car and I pulled him to me. I pushed his back up against the car and looked straight into his eyes as I pressed my whole self against him.

"I think the more important question is, are you afraid of going there with me?" Ziva asked.

"No," Tony said and there was only honesty in his eyes. "I just thought… I just thought it would be a little soon."

I pressed my lips to his and ran my fingers through his hair then pulled back again.

"Stop thinking so much, Tony," I said to him. "Tell me how you feel. Show me how you feel. Get the point across, like you do when you are kissing me."

Tony closed his eyes and then opened them again and all I could see was love in his look. It made me smile. I could not help the smile on my face. My smile caused him to smile.

"In that case, Ziva, would you be my official girlfriend?" Tony asked and I nodded happily. None of this would be possible without his help and he knew that I trusted him. "I am afraid of screwing it up, Ziva. Obviously, my most successful relationship was an undercover one."

"If you're you, then there's no way that you can screw it up, Tony," I said. "Just don't try to not be you. I've been staying at your place for three weeks now. I know you. I know what you are like. Hell, I even know what you wear to bed. Except that I doubt you usually wear that much to bed when I'm not in the bed."

Tony's face flushed with red and I smiled as I brushed my hand against his cheek. I could feel that blood was rushing somewhere else in him too and I smiled mischievously and pressed a little more into him. He groaned, knowing that I was teasing him now.

"Ziva," he said warningly.

"I am getting better, Tony," I whispered to him, leaning up so that my mouth was right next to his ear. "I am getting better faster than I thought I would. Much faster. It's with your help, thank you."

I placed a kiss on his neck and felt him shudder beneath me and it only reminded me of last night when we were supposed to be sleeping. I had woken up from one of _those_ dreams and nearly attacked him with kisses and he had shuddered just like that as I had trailed kisses down his neck before I stopped myself, unsure of how I should go about this when I was a little insecure about it after all that I had been through. I smiled at him.


	27. Are We Really Going There?

A/N – Definitely an M rated chapter. Only written about it once, so forgive me if it doesn't appear to be my best work.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

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**Chapter 27 - ****Are We Really Going There?**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

I left Tony at his car with an "I'll see you at home" and walked to my car. The ride home was painful to say the least. I just wanted to be back in his arms. I was so used to his presence always being around me that I was unnerved by not having him there after the way we left things leaving work.

Tony text me once on the way home to let me know he was picking up a celebratory pizza. Gibbs text me right when I got there. That text made me smile.

**_Trust him. See you Monday._**

I knew what Gibbs was referring to. Trust him. That was the only option left. I trusted Tony with everything, except that I had never trusted him with my body. That was what Gibbs was referring to. I could not help but feel like they had had some kind of talk in the elevator while I was up talking to Vance in his office.

I unlocked the door to Tony's apartment and got out two wine glasses and poured us each a glass of wine. I set them on the coffee table just as he came in. Was I really ready for this? I thought so, but I was not sure. I was a little insecure, but I knew that Tony would help me feel more secure with myself.

Tony set the pizza down and we ate in silence. He thanked me for the wine and we watched a short romantic comedy while we drank another glass of wine. When the glasses were empty and the movie was over we cleaned up. I washed the two wine glasses and dried them. As I was reaching up to put them away, Tony came up behind me and put his hands on my hips gently.

I jumped at the sudden contact, but smiled and finished putting the wine glasses away. When I turned around there was worry in his eyes, but a smile on my face. His hands were still on my hips and when he saw my smile he returned with one, leaning in and kissing me, his hands not moving.

As our tongues wrestled with each other his hands roamed a little. One went to my back and the other stayed on my hip for a moment before sliding down the side of my leg a little. My breath caught in my throat as I threw my arms around his neck and pulled closer to him.

Tony pulled away and took my wrist. He looked nervous and neither of us hardly dared to breath. When we were in the doorway to his bedroom he pressed his lips to me again, pushing my back against the door frame, his hands wandering all over my torso. I shuddered as his hand brushed my ribs right underneath the bra line. Tony stopped for a moment and looked at me, his eyes asking the questions. I nodded to him and he slowly pressed his lips to me again.

His hand wandered up, cupping my breast. My breath caught again and I moaned into his mouth. My hands moved down his back to the bottom of his shirt and brushed the skin that I could reach without lifting up the shirt at all. Now his breath caught in his throat.

He trailed kisses onto my neck and my breath really caught. I let out a gasp as I pulled him closer to me. I reached around to the front of his shirt, slowly undoing the buttons there. He allowed the shirt to fall to the floor as his mouth found mine again, his hands at the bottom of my shirt, holding it there, waiting for permission.

I pulled back a little and looked him in the eyes. He was being incredibly patient all things considered and he was still respecting me more than any man had ever dared to respect me before. I did not have to nod this time. He slowly lifted my shirt up over my head and tossed it on the floor. His hands found my stomach and bare back and it sent shivers up my spin to feel him touch me like that.

His eyes took in every inch of my torso and his hands traced gently the scar on my back as he placed kisses on my shoulder and neck. I tilted my head, giving him better access and found the bottom of his tank and lifted it over his head.

His fingers traced up my spin to my bra clasp and hesitated there for only a second, waiting for some negative sign. When none came he unhooked the bra and I let it fall to the floor, leaving my chest exposed to him once more. This time, however, he looked down. His eyes widened a little and then raised up to me again.

"You are beautiful, Ziva," he whispered and pressed his lips to my neck again.

He slowly led me into the bedroom, kicking the door closed behind me. He pushed me backward until my knees hit the edge of his bed and I sank onto it. I moved slowly back so that I was fully on the bed and Tony crawled on top of me and spread kisses all over me, starting with my stomach. He worked his way up and caught the bud of my nipple in his mouth and gently sucked on it and flicked his tongue, causing me to gasp in delight.

When I gasped he looked up at me and all I could do was arch my back in a desire to be closer to him and he paid the same attention to the other side, before continuing to kiss up me some more. He stopped at the pulse point on my neck and suckled there for a moment before continuing on to find my mouth.

My fingers raked up and down his back for a moment before finding the base of his back. His hands were everywhere, it seemed, exploring every inch of my torso before making their way to the button on my jeans and stopping there. He rested his hand there and kissed me for another minute before undoing just the button. I repaid him the favor and then unzipped his pants.

The heat in me was at a maximum that it had ever been at and I wanted Tony desperately by now. His slid the jeans off my hips and down my legs. He moved so that he could take them the rest of the way off. He removed his own pants too.

His hands traced my legs and every muscle contained in them. It was pleasure beyond anything else I had ever felt before and my back arched in desire, my fingers laced through his hair as one of his hands found my inner thigh. He rubbed small circles there for a moment, just watching my eyes before his hands found my hips and his fingers hooked the top of the underpants. He slowly slid them down my legs, looking into my eyes the whole time, making sure it was okay to continue.

His hand traced every inch of my left leg on the way back up and found the inner thigh once more then pressed a gentle kiss to my left hip that bore the SU and would forever hold those initials. I put my hand in his hair and was silently glad that he already knew my scars as well as he knew his own.

He moved up to my right side and turned my head to face him. I could see he was nervous, but so was I. His right hand traced down my stomach slowly, while he looked into my eyes and it stopped at my left hip and then went even slower to my inner thigh. He was so close to where I wanted him to be. I turned to my side, bending my left knee, so that it was still pointing at the ceiling, asking for what he was waiting for permission for. His hand touched the folds of my center and my need for him doubled as I moaned and my eyes slid closed in pleasure.

I opened my eyes again when he inserted a finger inside me, hoping that my expression was not too wild. This was better than anything a dream had prepared me for. I leaned in and pressed a kiss to his lips, but it was only a quick one.

"You are so wet, Zi," he whispered to me.

"Mmm," I moaned to him, and that was all I could coherently manage.

He captured my lips once more and rolled so he was hovering over me. I removed his boxers while his fingers continued to flick and play inside me, putting me right near the edge.

"Tony," I moaned, pleading with him for more, my back arching off the bed.

Tony looked in my eyes as he continued flicking his fingers inside me. Then, one good flick and it sent me flying over the edge. By whole body clenched around him and I moaned something that sounded like Tony's name.

He allowed me time to recover before removing his fingers. He pressed small kisses to my lips, jaw line, cheeks, and neck, knowing that I was still ready. Then he pulled back.

"Tony," I said to him, pleading, asking for more.

"Are you sure, Ziva?" he asked, double checking as his tip touched right where I wanted it.

"Yes," I whispered nodding and lacing one of my hands into his hair and pulling his head down to me and kissing him.

"If something is wrong, tell me," he whispered, pressing kisses to my neck in between his words. "Promise me."

"I promise, Tony," I said to him. "I _trust_ you."

He smiled against my neck as he aligned himself. His lips captured mine once more as he slowly entered me, being careful and judging my ever reaction. I shuddered at the feel and moaned. I hooked my feet behind his back and pulled myself up to meet him. He paused when he was all the way in allowing me to adjust to him.

"You are so tight, Zi," he said against my lips, his eyes rolling back in his head a little at the pleasure of the feeling.

He began to move slowly, almost all the way out and then in again, cherishing every feeling that went with it. I, too, was cherishing the feel of him and the feelings that I had for him. This was not just sex. For the first time in my life I was making love to a man. I was being loved truly and wholly, and the way he worshiped my body made me feel special.

He pushed back in again slowly, making sure that I was still fine, though he moved a little faster this time. He picked up the pace just a little bit, but not too fast, still monitoring me. He'd go almost all the way out and then push back in again and it felt so damn amazing!

"Tony," I moaned as he pushed in a little faster and a little harder. My voice was laced with desperation, want, and need.

His hand made his way down my back, somehow, and found my hips and wrapped around behind them. Giving him more control over how fast and how hard. He used that hand to help him give what I wanted so much.

Tony was looking straight into my eyes as I began to feel myself building toward a climax and could see that he was nearly there as well. He pushed in with a little more force and I moaned, using my legs to push myself up toward him and get a little more out of it.

He kept going, the pace gradually picking up.

"Ziva," he said to me, seeing my eyes. I was holding on, I did not want to let go. "Let go, Ziva. Go over with me."

I did just that. I let go and went right over the edge at the same time he did. My body and walls clenched around Tony, my heart beat pulsing in my core around him, milking him for all he had as he spilled into me.

"Ziva," he moaned as we reached something exciting together. We rode out the high and then Tony collapsed on top of me and my fingers immediately found his hair.

"I love you," I whispered to him.

I felt him smiling against my chest.

"And, I love you," Tony said quietly, pressing another kiss to my lips before rolling off me.

I curled into his side and placed my head at the base of his neck, right where it belonged. My fingers traced patterns on his chest as I laid there completely contented. Who knew that I could be that trusting of someone? Who knew that I could be that content? Who knew that so short after being through literal hell, I would be okay? I smiled and snuggled closer to Tony and closed my eyes. Allowing myself to drift off to sleep.

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A/N – I hope that was okay. Like I said, only written about it once. Let me know what you think.


	28. The Morning After

A/N – Wow! What an amazing response to yesterday's chapter! I can't believe how much you all liked it! I am so grateful for the wonderful reviews that I've gotten from all of you! Now, the morning after!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.

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**Chapter 28 - T****he Morning After**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

I felt something shift underneath me and became immediately aware that not only was I not alone, but I was not alone and naked. The memories from last night poured into my head and I smiled against Tony's chest, snuggling into his side a little deeper as he pulled me closer to him, obviously realizing what I was thinking about. I could not help the grin that was on my face.

Then, I realized that it was late in the morning. I could feel the heat of the sunlight pouring in through Tony's window and hitting my back. I wondered what time it was as I realized what that meant. I had had no nightmares and no dreams of any kind that had woken me up in the middle of the night. I smiled even wider and opened my eyes.

"Good morning, beautiful," Tony whispered into my ear as my eyes fluttered open.

I raised my eyes to meet his and smiled up at him. "Good morning yourself," I whispered back, placing a kiss on his nose and smiling again.

"You seem to be in a good mood this morning," he commented. "Sleep well last night?"

"I think you know that answer," I said quietly to him, blushing a little bit.

He reached his hand up and stroked the color that rose to my face in a hot and furious rush of blood to my cheeks. That made them burn hotter and made me want him even more and love him even more. I loved the way he had absolutely adored every part of me last night. I did not know if I could handle that kind of absolute and complete love that he had shown me, but apparently, I was handling it quite well.

To get the respect that Tony showed me out of a man had always seemed like an impossibility in my past. But, with Tony, it was so natural. With Tony everything seemed so natural. Perhaps, if I was with someone else, I would have had nightmares. But, this was Tony. I now trusted him with everything I had. I trusted him with my life, my heart, and my body. I trusted him with everything. Everything. Tony was everything.

"I love you," I said again, making both of us smile like a couple of teenagers.

"And, I love you, sweet cheeks," he said quietly, making me smile widely again and giggle.

The sound of a giggle passing through my lips was very unfamiliar to me. But, it was such a happy moment that I could not help but smile through it. Normally, I guessed I would have been embarrassed by giggling in front of a man. But, Tony smiled when I did, and I could giggle in front of him if I could cry in front of him, and trust him with my nightmares.

"Would you like some breakfast?" he asked. "I can cook something for you?"

"I think I'd like something else first," I said quietly, leaning up and kissing him on the lips again.

He smiled against my mouth and the kiss was passionate and slow, not rushed at all. It was perfect. Just as last night had been. I ran my fingers through his hair and then decided that breakfast sounded like a good idea.

Honestly, I was a little sore from last night. It had been a while, not to mention the fact that the last time something had been there had not been horribly pleasant.

"What were you thinking of making, Tony?" I asked.

"Pancakes?" he asked.

"Mmm," I said quietly and smiled at him. "Okay."

We got up and kissed again, standing next to the bedside. I grabbed his T-shirt from last night and threw it on while he threw on his boxers. We both went into the living room, but Tony grabbed my hand as we got to the door. He pulled me back and kissed me one more time.

"You look incredibly sexy in my shirt," he whispered into my ear.

A smile spread across my face and my cheeks were hot with blood rushing to them. I pulled back to look at him.

"I think I like your shirt, too, Tony," she whispered.

He chuckled at the lighthearted attitude that I was taking on this morning. Honestly, I had never woken up that rested in the morning. Not once in my whole life could I remember waking up that rested. I felt energized. I probably could have gone for a run forever that morning, but I had no interest in putting on more clothes, or leaving Tony's side, for that matter. And, I couldn't stop smiling! It was a good thing, definitely.

"Let's go get our breakfast," he said and led me to the living room, where he let go of my hand. "I'll cook it. You can join me in the kitchen, or wait out here."

"I'll make some coffee," I said quietly. "What time is it anyway?"

"I don't know. Didn't look at the clock," Tony said quietly.

I heard my phone vibrating on the piano, where I was used to leaving it. I walked over to it as Tony walked into the kitchen. It was a text message from Abby.

**_Do you want to do something, just us girls tonight?_**

I smiled, but replied with a no, I was pretty sure I was going to be busy tonight. Then, I sent another text message.

**_Thank you, Gibbs. You were right._**

I smiled as I hit the send button and then opened the text message I got from Abby. I was pretty sure she was hurt by me turning her down, but I had no intention of leaving this apartment anytime soon.

**_Come on, Ziva! We never get to hang out anymore! You used to hang out with me a lot. I really just wanted a girls' night, thinking maybe we could catch up on lost time, or something. Is it really important to keep maybe plans for definite plans? I mean, seriously, what could you be doing?_**

I realized that Abby did not know that Tony and I were something to each other and I burst into laughter as I reread the text message.

"What is so funny?"

"Abby," I said quietly. "She wants to have a girls' night with me tonight, but I told her I was pretty sure I was going to be busy tonight. Her reaction is pretty funny."

"Typical Abby fashion, I suppose. A guilt trip and then persuasion?" he asked.

"Sounds about right," I said quietly. "I will answer this and then come eat."

**_No, Abby. Trust me, these are important plans. And I'm almost a hundred percent sure I have them. We will have to get together some other time. I promise, we will get together and catch up at some point, maybe soon. Like I said, these are very important plans._**

"I can't wait to read her reaction," Ziva said, showing the phone to Tony. He laughed. "I think they are important plans too, Ziva. But, what are your plans for tonight?"

"My plan for the weekend was to stay here, not get dressed, eat unhealthy, and hardly leave the bedroom. You know, enjoying life, yes?"

"Absolutely!" Tony said. "But, I was thinking that dinner should be involved at some point. You know, I know that Abby got you some awesome dresses when you first came back. You don't mind getting dressed up tomorrow night, do you?"

"Not at all," I said quietly. "As long as you are getting dressed, too, Tony."

"I will be," he said with a smile as we began to eat.

A few moments later both of our phones buzzed. Tony typed away on his furiously when he was done. I opened my messages and read.

**_What in the world could be more important than girl time, Ziva? I don't understand. They are not definite plans, but you are willing to bet on them instead of hanging out with me? What is going on with you? You have not been the same since you got back and it's starting to scare me! Come and talk. We can have a couple drinks and have some fun. You probably need some fun. I mean, honestly, you've been locked in apartment with Tony for three weeks. Three weeks with Tony and his move collection sounds like more than you can handle!_**

I really laughed about this and could not help myself when I replied.

**_My plans are already finalized. And it is not as bad as you make it sound. Besides, movies are not the only thing he likes._**

Let her make of that whatever she wanted to make of that. I did not care what she had to say to that. My end of the discussion was done. We were not having a girls' night tonight. Tony started laughing.

"McGee's trying to pull the same Abby logic on me that Abby pulled on you," Tony said. "The guilt trip and persuasion. I told him I already had plans. He tried to throw at me that we should go to a bar, where there would be plenty of hot women. So, I said to him that I had my eyes on one already and wasn't taking my eyes off her. See what he makes of that!"

"I told Abby that you like something other than movies," Ziva said. "I don't know where her mind will go with that. But, this is kind of fun."

Their phones vibrated again.

**_Like what? Girls? Sure, of course he likes girls, but I didn't know you were into them, too. You should have come out sooner, Ziva._**

"Oh! Point for Abby," Ziva said with a smile pulling a DiNozzo line out of her and typing back to her.

**_He's not as into random girls as you would think, Abby. Besides, I think he has his eyes on one already. One girl that is. Not one random girl. No, the girl his eyes are locked onto is definitely not random._**

I was laughing as I sent this.

"McGee doesn't believe me," Tony said with a frown.

"I don't think Abby will believe me either," I told him.

**_Are you sure we're both talking about the same Tony?_**

I burst into laughter. "Abby does not believe me either, Tony," Ziva said.

"They'll see," Tony whispered to her, placing a kiss on her lips. But, then, Ziva's phone rang one more time. She looked at it.

**_No problem, kid. I don't want any details, just, are you okay?_**

She smiled at Gibbs' message and typed a quick reply.

**_Better than that._**

"Why does Gibbs want to know if you're okay?" Tony asked.

"He sent me a text message last night," I told Tony. "He said, trust him, see you Monday. That's all. I sent a message to him a few minutes ago thanking him and telling him he was right."

"Oh," Tony said quietly, smiling. "Gibbs pulled me aside yesterday and asked if your dreams were better. He gave me some advice. I guess he was right."

Ziva smiled. She had known that they had had some guy talk in the elevator. She didn't ask what it was about and she didn't ask what advice Gibbs had given Tony, who had always claimed he was good at getting girls. Ziva now knew, for a fact, that all his bragging had actually been under exaggerating, but perhaps that was just her.

"Shower?" Tony asked her.

Ziva smiled and captured his lips in a quick kiss. "Of course, Tony," she said quietly and smiled at him.

She stood up and pulled him off the couch. She thought of last night again. She had allowed Tony all the control, that was strange for her. She usually liked the top, liked to be in control, because men were not to be trusted. But, this was different with Tony. She already trusted Tony. He was one of those that she could trust with everything and she knew it. She had actually enjoyed him taking the lead from her. She had also enjoyed that he had taken his time and not only made love to her, but taken every opportunity for her to make it stop if she needed it and make her feel comfortable with him as he went on. She smiled at how much love she actually felt. Yesterday, she never thought she could love someone more than she loved Tony, but she did. She was as happy as she had ever been in her entire life and this was still new, but she knew that happiness would last, despite any future bumps in the road.

Tony and Ziva finished their walk to the bathroom and entered it together. Tony turned on the water and turned it warm, perhaps a little too warm, he wasn't sure how hot she liked her showers, though he was pretty sure that it was on the warmer side, because he often hopped in after her and found that the tiles on the floor were still very warm.

Tony turned around and kissed her on the lips gently before removing his shirt from her. She pulled his boxers down and they kissed one more time before hopping in the shower at the same time.


	29. Staying in for the Night

A/N – here is another chapter for you. Another rated M. I think I enjoy writing this!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.

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**Chapter 29 - ****Staying in for the Night**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

The movie was almost over and I was already cooking dinner. It was one of Tony's favorites, and so far I had been right about what I would be wearing that entire day. I was still only in one of Tony's T-Shirts. I smiled to myself as I checked the oven to see if dinner was done. As I pulled it out, I smiled to myself, remembering how much I used to like cooking and remembering how relaxing it was for me.

I dished out two plates of lasagna and grabbed two beers and headed toward the living room with them. I set one plate and one beer in front of Tony and put the other plate and beer close to his, so I could sit near him.

"You made lasagna just for me?" Tony asked, his face in shock.

I nodded and smiled up at him, pressing a kiss to his cheek and continuing to smile shyly.

"Thank you, sweet cheeks," Tony whispered and took his plate, which had a fork on it.

We ate in silence. Tony was amazed, I could tell by his expression. He was also thinking deeply about something. He turned a teary-eyed smile to me and I touched his cheek, putting my plate down on the table.

"What is it, Tony?"

"It's just like my mother's lasagna," he said quietly and pulled me into a hug.

I smiled as I was hugged tightly and unexpectedly. But, there were tears in my eyes, too, knowing exactly how he felt.

"My mother used to enjoy cooking," I whispered to him. "I used to cook with her when I was little. It was the only 'girl' thing I did, according to my… well, Eli."

He looked at me curiously. "He is still your father, Zi," he said quietly.

"He is the man who helped create me, Tony. But, he was never a very good father. Now, Gibbs, he is father. He has nurtured me more in the last four years than I ever received from my father," I said quietly. "He means the world to me. But, Eli, is just a man who is the Director of Mossad and someone who was in my life for a long time."

Tony pulled me into another hug and held her tightly. He knew what I meant. He knew how I could feel that way. He had seen what kind of hell Eli had put me through and he knew that she was less than happy with him. But, he could also see what I meant about Gibbs. Gibbs was also like a father to him as well, and I knew that. Gibbs was more nurturing toward all of us than any of our fathers had been to them. We all had "daddy issues".

"I'll wash the dishes," Tony said quietly. "I want to know, tomorrow would you like to go to the beach?"

"Of course, Tony," I said, happy but slightly uncomfortable with the idea. "But…?"

"You look beautiful," he whispered. "And I planned on going to a more private setting, since it is unusually warm out these days. I know that you aren't as comfortable with them as you are around me, Ziva. I get it."

I smiled and kissed him on the cheek. My phone vibrated again when he left the room. It was odd timing, but I didn't think anything of it. Just read the text message. It was Abby, again.

**_If you won't do a girls' night tonight, what about tomorrow night? I just really want to spend some time with you, Ziva. I miss doing that! Is that so wrong?_**

I chuckled to herself.

**_I am sorry Abby. I have plans tomorrow night. I am not entirely sure what the plans are, it is a surprise for me. But, I am looking forward to them. I promise, that I will get around to a girls' night soon, but not this weekend._**

I closed her phone and thought. I really didn't want to spend time away from Tony. Perhaps I would feel differently after having a week of work with him and living with him, of which the others didn't know yet. I had forgotten to update that information on my application and I would have to tell Vance in the morning that my address was changed now that I no longer had her apartment.

I wondered if I should have a different place to live. But, I had gotten so used to living with Tony and it felt so natural. And, the thought of sleeping alone was not one I liked to think about. It was odd to consider that a year ago, I would never have relied on someone so heavily in all my life. But now, it was so normal, and even felt right. I smiled to myself.

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**Arlington, VA**

Abby's POV

I sat staring at my most recent text message from Ziva. I had McGee over. We had just finished eating some take-out for dinner. We were hanging out, oddly enough. I had called him over when I had become so confused about Ziva's text messages about Tony and I only wanted someone to talk to, though I had still not told McGee what it was all about. Now I was far more confused and definitely wanted his opinion on it.

I entered the living area again to find McGee looking around and lost in a memory, which I also smiled at. We used to date off and on and we used to share my coffin-bed. I smiled at the memories as many emotions returned to me from the past. Why hadn't it worked out? I didn't know.

"I'm sorry if I ruined any plans you might have, Timmy," I said at once. "I guess I wasn't really thinking. I was trying to drag Ziva away from Tony's place for a minute, because she's got to be about ready to kill him by now and we need the whole team alive."

"I was trying to do the same thing to Tony," McGee said. "Apparently he has important plans tonight."

"Her too," I mentioned sorrowfully. "The things she told me about Tony, though. It's like a whole different guy! I don't believe it!"

"That's how I felt! I tried to bribe him with hot girls and he said he only had eyes for one particular girl!" McGee nearly shouted.

"That's what Ziva said!" I nearly shouted. "Timmy, you don't think Tony and Ziva… so soon after? You don't think they're… do you?"

"I don't know, Abby," McGee said. "It's not really any of my business. I asked Tony about tomorrow night and he said he had a date."

"I asked Ziva about tomorrow night and she said she had plans that were a surprise," I told him thoughtfully. "That doesn't line up as well. I wonder, though. I wonder if their plans are together or not? I wonder how they haven't killed each other yet. It's so weird, I think!"

"I agree, Abby," McGee said honestly. "I don't know what to tell you. Let's just leave it alone for now. They can't blow us off forever, can they?"

"No, they can't!" I agreed firmly.

* * *

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

I was laughing as Tony entered the room. I showed him the text message on my phone, which basically admitted that McGee and Abby were together right now trying to figure this out.

**_You two can't avoid us forever, just so you know! McGee is wondering, too. I didn't know that Tony had plans tonight and tomorrow as well! What are you two up to? What is going on? Aren't you ready to kill Tony after all that time with him? It's going to be worse when you come back to work, you know. You'll be around him constantly. Don't worry though, when you are ready to kill him, I do have a spare coffin you could sleep in._**

"That doesn't sound like a great offer to me," Tony said laughing also, knowing what she meant. "I don't like to think of you in a coffin."

I chuckled. "Do not worry, Tony. I will not be going into a coffin anytime soon," I whispered and then captured his lips with my own, and straddling his lap, having my own ideas of how I wanted the rest of our evening to go.

I hovered over him for a moment before I felt the bulge in his boxers rise and then I smiled against his lips and pressed kisses down his neck, tracing the lines of his bare chest with my hands. I was still so content, but that didn't stop me from wanting Tony more now, if he was willing to give it. I smiled at my thoughts and Tony's hands were wandering all down my back and to my bare butt. Then, he found the bottom of my shirt and lifted it over my head. I was completely naked in his arms now, and the only thing separating us were his boxers.

I rubbed against him and he moaned a little, making me smile. His hands found my breasts and massaged them for a moment. I reached for his boxers and pulled them away from him, releasing his hard erection from the tension of them. I rubbed on him and knew he could feel how much I wanted this right now.

His hips bucked lightly against me as he enjoyed the feeling of me. He pulled me closer to him, but pulled his head back and looked at me.

"You sure?" he asked.

I nodded to him and aligned myself. I slowly lowered onto him and heard him moan at the pleasure it was to have me to himself. I smiled and moaned at the same time, enjoying feeling Tony filling me so completely. His hands found my hips and pushed me down a little more. He paused, allowing me time to adjust. Then we started to move in unison with each other, as though we had done this a million times already.

Our lips were locked in an endless tango and our hips moved in unison, crashing into each other's pleasurably. Soon, though, he flipped us, so he was on top of me lengthwise on the couch, one hand under my but the other by my head for support. My fingers digging into his back as I moaned out in pleasure. The pace quickened and I could fill the pressure rising in me. I stared at his eyes and he stared back at mine. I could feel that he was close too.

Just as the pressure released and my body clamped hard around him, he spilled. The pulsing of his hardness sent waves of pleasure through my entire body that caused me to gasp in delight. Coming down from the high, I smiled up at him and kissed his lips. There was nothing greater than Tony in that moment. There was nothing better than this and trusting Tony.

But, he didn't let go of me, completely, he was still moving. He slowly lifted me off the couch and walked his way toward the bedroom, continuing his movements, and building me up again. He kissed my neck and placed me on his bed.

I flipped us over and rode him a little harder and his hand found my bundle of nerves at my center, driving me insane and causing my back to arch in delight. I moaned as the pressure built within me again.

"Tony," I moaned.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked, confused by the question in my tone.

"No. Don't stop," I said to him and captured his lips with mine as we both found bliss once more.

Soon enough I collapsed on top of him, panting into his chest. I rolled off him and curled into his side.

"I have no words for how much I love you," he whispered into my ear.

"I feel the same, Tony," I said, pressing a gentle kiss to his neck, where my face was buried.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed having Tony's arms around me again.


	30. It's a Date!

A/N – And, here is the date!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

* * *

**Chapter 30**

**It's a Date!**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

I had been standing in front of the closet for about ten minutes, unable to decide which dress I liked best. This was difficult. How would one guess that dressing up for Anthony DiNozzo was so difficult? I had never had this kind of problem before. Bikini on the beach with scars that I was uncomfortable with, no problem! A dress that covers me, that's difficult. It felt so backwards and even a little overwhelming to be perfectly honest. I was glad I had left plenty of time now that I knew I had no idea what I was going to wear.

I picked up my cell phone, which I had brought with me. I dialed Abby's number. I needed her help, but I was not going to give her details yet. The phone rang three times.

"Ziva, what's wrong?" Abby asked. "Did you kill DiNozzo?"

"No, I just need your opinion on something," I said. "I need to know which dress is your favorite that you picked out for me when I first came back. I'm stuck between the white one and the black one?"

"Well, are you trying to look conservative or are you trying to impress someone? Or are you trying to impress many people of a variety of tastes? What's the occasion?"

"I guess trying to impress just one person," I said.

"A man?" Abby asked. "Or someone else, Ziva?"

"A special man," I said, smiling faintly.

"I would go with the white one," Abby said honestly. "Are you going to tell me about it?"

"Not right now. I have to get ready," I said. "But maybe soon."

"Only maybe?"

"Only maybe, Abby," I repeated into the phone. "I have to go. Thank you for the advice. I do appreciate it and the offer you have given me."

"You are welcome," Abby said, sounding resigned.

I hung up the phone and pulled the white dress out of the closet. It was a revealing cut and I knew how Tony liked white on my skin, but there was always those rumors of the little black dress, and that was basically what the other was.

I pulled it on. The dress was sleeveless and had a low V cut in front, revealing some cleavage, and it dipped low in a U shape in the back, to below my shoulder blades. I knew that the scar on my back would show and it did not matter to me, because I would be with Tony.

There was a slit in the right leg and it was a diagonal cut on, that made it longer on the left leg, going down to just above the knee there. This revealed rather a lot of skin, but it was Tony and I was comfortable with that. I pulled on a pair of matching white heels that Abby had picked with the dress and went to the mirror.

I pulled my hair to the right side of my head into a ponytail on the side, leaving it curly, the way Tony liked it. I did some light make-up and left it at that. I smiled when I saw myself in the mirror, wondering how Tony would react to this dress.

I, then went to the living room. Tony was going to pick me up, from _our_ apartment. That had been the discussion this morning, was whether or not I was going to get another apartment or not. We had both decided that this was _our_ home, _our_ sanctuary. Not just his and not just mine, but ours together. I smiled as I remembered how it made me feel safe and secure now that it was no longer just Tony's place. It had been nearly four weeks and I was living with Tony completely. This was going to be interesting once we got back to work, but we had worked out some rules for ourselves, as well and we would stick to them whenever possible.

There was a knock on the apartment door and I peered through the peep hole to see that Tony was waiting outside _our_ apartment. I did not know if I could get used to that anytime soon. I smiled again as I pulled open the door. Tony smiled widely. He was wearing a suit, but it was not like a work suit, it was fancier, and nicer than anything he would wear to work.

He held out a bouquet of white roses in front of him. Apparently we had been thinking along the same lines with the white theme tonight. I smiled widely and met his eyes.

"Flowers?" he asked, holding them out to me.

My smile grew and I sniffed at them. They had a nice scent. I took them and led him into his apartment, fully aware of how dates went. I placed them in a vase and grabbed my purse and found Tony again.

"You look stunning," he whispered into my ear. "I can't wait to take you home tonight."

I smiled widely. "You do not look so bad yourself, Tony," I said back to him, eyeing him as I spoke.

He led me to the car and pulled out of the driveway. We rode in silence. We arrived at a place I had never been to. It was called The Atlas Room. I noticed immediately that it was more of a romantic setting than anything else and I blushed. Tony held me close and gave the name on the reservation. I had not noticed that he had made a reservation. I was happy, though, since it was not a very large place.

We were seated and we both got some wine and looked through the menu. When we were ready to order, Tony took my hand on top of the table and I smiled at him. This was nothing too pricey, but it was fancy enough and romantic enough that I knew that he had not taken another girl here. This was somewhere to take someone you were definitely staying with and I smiled at him.

The waitress came over again and looked at us and smiled.

"What can I get for you to eat today?" she asked, still having her smile.

"I will try the um… Amish Summer Pie," I said, reading it off the menu. It sounded delicious. It was feta cheese, tomato, zucchini, and basil emulsion.

"And for you?" she asked Tony.

"The lamb bolognese," Tony said with a gentle smile at the waitress. I had looked at that one too, it had been my second choice, it came with fettuccini and basil ricotta on it. It sounded delicious too. I would have to try some of his.

The waitress disappeared and I met Tony's eyes.

"I love that dress you are wearing by they way," he whispered, tracing circles on my hand.

"Thank you, Tony. I had to ask for help picking out what I would wear," Ziva admitted.

"Were you nervous?" Tony asked sincerely.

"Yes, I was," I admitted. "I am not usually into surprises. But, this is certainly a nice one."

"I'm glad you are enjoying it," Tony said. "Who did you call for help?"

"Abby, of course. She bought my dresses for me," I said. "I did not tell her who I was going on a date with, though, since I don't know how much of this we are letting out to the others and how much we are keeping to ourselves. But, you know Abby, she expects a fully detailed account of whatever happens tonight."

"And McGee thinks I've gone on a date. Perhaps they are still together," Tony suggested.

"If they are, they may figure this out on their own. They are not stupid," I reminded Tony.

The food arrived and we ate immediately, both of us hungry with how long it had taken me to get ready and Tony to find the perfect flowers for the night. When we were done, we each had another glass of wine. We were both so happy.

Tony paid the waitress and left a generous tip. Then, Tony led me out with a smile on his face. He was so happy that he had taken me out on a date, finally, I could tell by his expression.

"I've never been there before. It's pretty nice," Tony said quietly.

"Never, Tony?" I asked.

"Nope," he said quietly. "I figured if we were going to have our first date, we should make memories where there aren't any already made."

I smiled and loved his thoughtfulness. He was always thinking of little things like this and it made me want to kiss him right then. We were still walking back to his car and when they got in, I started to fidget. Tony grabbed my hand.

"What's on your mind?" he asked.

"Work," I said quietly. "I am a little nervous to return to work. I have been out for so long. I just hope this first day is better than the first, first day I had there."

"Oh, that case wasn't all bad, was it?" Tony asked her laughing a little.

"It was not great," I admitted, with a little laugh. "But this one will be way better than that."

"I bet," Tony said quietly and pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it. I giggled at him and smiled widely, unable to take the smile off my face tonight. Everything had been perfect, again.

He pulled into the parking area by his apartment and went around to open my door and held me out of the car. It was not that I needed help getting out of the car, and if it was anyone else, then I was sure that I would have refused. But, I could accept this behavior from Tony.

"I think if they ask, we should tell them," Tony said quietly, going back to a previous topic of conversation about who I had asked about my dress. "Just be honest though. But, I'm not going to brag about you the way I did before. You're mind and only I get to know what everything is like."

I smiled again, looking into his eyes. I appreciated that and I did not have to tell him that much. He already knew it. He led me back toward the building and brought me to the elevator, keeping his hands to himself. Once we were up by his apartment, his arm snaked around behind my back and held me close to him, showing me just how much he wanted me. I smiled again as he unlocked the door.

Before the door was fully closed, his lips were on mine and mine on his. We had moved at the same time, wanting the same thing. He kicked the door closed and pushed my back into it, his fingers already running through my hair and me sighing out in relief at being able to touch and feel and kiss and all the things I could not do while we were on that date.


	31. Returning to Work

A/N – Here is another chapter for you! It's got some fun!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.

* * *

**Chapter 31**

**Returning to Work**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

Somehow we had managed to make it into the bedroom last night. I could not remember how exactly, since I was so caught up in what he was doing to me. I knew that it was early when I woke. I could see that the sun was only barely in the sky. I stirred and tried to stretch without disturbing him. He woke up, however, and apparently glanced at the clock.

"Zi?" he asked. "It's five. You okay?"

I looked up at him. "Just woke up," I said to him, placing a kiss on his lips. "Used to wake up at this time everyday."

He smiled at me. "Okay. Just checking. You haven't been, so I was worried," he said with a slight shrug.

"I think I will make us some breakfast. I do not feel much like going for a run on my first day back to work," I said to him and sat up, pulling his shirt on and leaving his room.

I heard his door open a few minutes later as I stood at the counter and he came up behind me and placed a kiss on my temple.

"How about some cereal?" he offered.

"That sounds delightful, Tony," I said to him as he grabbed it and poured us some.

The morning continued on. We were early to work and we sat across from each other like any normal day. But, today was so far from normal that I could not even imagine how it had gone this far. I had a hard time not staring at him all day that day. I had a hard time not feeling guilty that we had only paperwork to work on. I had practically nothing to do and he was getting nothing done.

"Give me half that paperwork, Tony, and I will fill it out for you," I offered.

"Why?" Gibbs asked.

"Because it is unfair that I should be the only one with nothing to do, Gibbs. And I am bored," I said quietly.

He shrugged and nodded to Tony. Tony handed me the paperwork and as soon as his skin contacted mine I looked into his eyes and had to pull my thoughts away from our bedroom. I still had a hard time not shuddering with delight when I thought that it was ours. That reminded me, I had to update my home address.

"Um… Gibbs, I will be right back," I said to him. "I never put my address on my application."

"Get on it," he said quietly and smirked a little.

"Does that mean she finally found a place?" McGee asked as I ran up the stairs.

I never heard the response, but I did hear a hearty chuckle from Gibbs, which meant that I should have been listening to the response. I knocked on the Director's door and he let me in at once.

"Ah, Miss David. I was just about to come find you. I noticed that you either got your old apartment back, or you have not updated me," Vance said.

"I am sorry, Director. I have not updated you," I said quietly.

"It's quite alright, Miss David. How are you finding the adjustment back into work?" he asked as he pulled out my application.

"It's fine," I said to him as I filled out the address line on the application.

He looked at it, looked at me, looked at it again, and then his eyes settled on me. His mouth was hanging open and he was gaping at me.

"You are living with DiNozzo?" Vance asked, his mouth still hanging open. I only nodded. "Um… if there's something I should know about going on, then… well, I need to know about it. There's paperwork for me and both of you to fill out if you're… um… an item."

"Then, give me the paperwork," I said with a smile on my lips. "But, Director Vance… we have not exactly shared with many of the others what is going on. If you could keep this to yourself for now, that would be appreciated."

"Does Gibbs know?"

"Yes," I said.

"That's all that I care about," Vance said. "Wait! What? Gibbs is okay with this? His rules! Rule… whatever it was about coworkers!"

"He is okay with it," I said with a smile on my face and I ducked out of the office before he could ask anymore questions.

I returned to the squad room and handed Tony a piece of paper and leaned in close to him so as to not share with McGee. "We need to fill these out because we are coworkers and something more, as well," I whispered. Tony nodded and when I turned around with a paper of my own Gibbs nodded with a knowing look in his eyes.

"You two in some kind of trouble?" McGee asked.

"No trouble, McGee," I said with a smile on my face. "Just paperwork."

"Sure," he said with a nod and returned to his own work.

Gibbs let us go out for lunch because it was so slow and there was nothing left to do. Abby insisted on stealing me for lunch and I shared a glance with Tony. We were not telling her and McGee yet. It was more fun to toy with them and watch them squirm as they tried to figure it out.

"So… tell me about Sunday night," Abby said.

"It was fun," I said quietly.

"Was it fun enough to miss girl time?" Abby asked, her eyes lighting up.

I smiled mischievously. "Oh, yes. Absolutely," I said quietly.

"So the white dress did the trick?" she asked in nearly a squeal and I nodded. "Tell me, who is the lucky guy and does Tony know about it, and is he okay with it since you two are sharing a space now? Wait, doesn't he only have one bedroom in his apartment?"

"Tony knows," I said with a smile on my face, thinking only of last night and how we were both so satisfied at the end of that that we could not even move. "And, yes, he has a one bedroom apartment."

"Must suck having to sleep on the couch. Does he approve you dating? Did you bring someone to his place or did you go to someone's place, or did you not do that? What am I thinking, you probably didn't do that!" Abby said shaking her head. "Anyway, tell me about this guy!"

"He is tall, dark hair, tanned skin, very handsome. He has mysterious green eyes that tell me everything that he refuses to say out loud. I feel like I know him so well when I look into his eyes. He is romantic and supportive. He is amazing, kind, caring, nice, gentle when he needs to be. He is everything I have never dared to dream of," I said quietly,

thinking about Tony and wishing that I was in his arms right then.

"Wow! Sounds great! Sounds like you are falling hard and fast!"

"Far from fast, Abby," I said quietly.

"So, you've known him for a while. It's not another guy from Mossad is it? The last guy from Mossad ended up dead after betraying you and that ended with you in Somalia," Abby said with a frown.

"It is not someone from Mossad," I said sincerely to her.

I kind of wished that she would guess it on her own, but the last place her mind went was to Tony. Until she thought of something one of my text messages had said.

"So, what did you mean when you said that Tony was into something other than movies if you didn't mean girls? Is he still bringing home a girl every other night? Or staying out every other night?" Abby asked.

"Honestly, Abby, he has only been out once since I returned," I said honestly. "He has not brought any random girls over and he has not stayed out at all."

"Poor guy must be dying from lack of normalcy!" Abby said with a pout. "I guess he should have gone out with McGee the other night!"

"I think he was busy," I said cryptically, trying hard not to laugh.

"But you said he was only out once," Abby questioned.

"Oh, he was. And he was home Saturday night, but I think he was busy."

"Home, Ziva? You consider Tony's apartment to be your home?"

"It does feel that way, doesn't it?" I asked myself with a smile. "Well, we have to be getting back to the office."

Abby stared at me the whole way back and then shook her head.

* * *

At the end of the day, Gibbs let us go home and Abby caught me and Tony in the elevator. We had just finished making plans for most of the weekend night. Abby looked at me.

"Girls' night Friday night?" she asked.

"Can't. I am busy," I said quietly. "And Saturday night, too, if you were about to ask that, Abby. I have a date on Saturday and a movie on Friday."

"Ziva, you have to spend some time with me!" Abby pleaded. "Tony did you know she was seeing someone?"

"I am aware of that Abby," Tony said with a small smirk on his face that he hid from her view.

"Doesn't that bother you since she's living with you?" Abby asked. "I mean from what this guy sounds like to me, he sounds just about perfect for her. Come on, Tony. You have always been jealous of her boyfriends! Why are you not jealous of this one?"

"Don't have it in my heart to be jealous, Abs," Tony said. "I guess if I find out he is better looking than I am, then I will be jealous. But, come one, she is completely happy. How could I argue with that? How could you?"

"I guess you are right, Tony," Abby said, sounding resigned. "I guess I cannot argue with that logic. If she's happy. Ziva, are you happy?"

"Overjoyed," I managed to get out without laughing hysterically. "Can barely keep my hands off him."

Tony and I were having an extremely difficult time maintaining control of ourselves now. The elevator opened at the right time and let us out. "Have a good night, Abby!" I called as we made it to Tony's car and burst into fits of laughter as she got into her car. "I cannot believe she has no idea. That was so difficult!"

"You were making it more difficult. You were practically teasing me there!" Tony said, laughing along with me.

"I was wasn't I?" I asked him, still laughing and unable to get into the car.

McGee came out of the elevator to see us in fits of laughter. "What's so funny?" he asked curiously.

"Abby," I managed to squeak out in between laughs. "She is just very funny today!"

"What did she do? She's never _that_ funny. I don't think anything has ever been _that_ funny!" McGee said, looking at the way we were still laughing.

"She was just overly confused, McGee," Tony said, finally having some control over himself. I managed to gain control over myself as well. "Lost and confused. And it was very funny."

"I guess I don't see what's so funny!" McGee said, sounding frustrated.

"Tony is not jealous, that is what's so funny," I said quietly.

"I still don't see it, guys. I guess have a good night. Hey, how do you manage to do the sleeping arrangements anyway?"

We were mostly in the car anyway. Tony and I both shut our doors at that question. We had not thought about how to answer that and we could not handle more fits of laughter at the moment at a confused person who is great at reading someone. It was not easy to confuse a Federal Agent or Abby, but they were both very confused and this was very funny to us.


	32. Back to the Routine

A/N – I think I like this chapter, at least the way it ends, anyway.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.

* * *

**Chapter 32**

**Back to the Routine**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

On Tuesday we got a case. It was an open and shut case. It was a sloppy murder of a Petty Officer. It was closed, including all paperwork, by Thursday. And, Gibbs let us go home early on Thursday. But, it was also on Thursday that Tony and I got into a fight at work. He sat down next to me in the break room, before it was time to do our paperwork and he wrapped his arm around my back.

"Tony," I said gently. "We can't act like that at work."

He pulled his arm away immediately. My phone buzzed on the tabletop in front of me. Eli had been trying to contact me for the better part of the last two days. I looked at the phone, read the text message and scoffed at the phone.

"If you want to him to leave you alone you should tell him that, Ziva," Tony said, without looking at the phone. "Otherwise, perhaps you still need to talk to him?"

"I do _not_ need to talk to Eli David," I said in an angered tone. "I do not want to talk to him at all!"

"He needs to know that's how you feel, Zi," Tony said quietly. "If you don't tell him, he'll keep this up. He might actually be concerned for you. The man's got to have some feelings. He is human after all, right?"

"I doubt he has feelings," I scowled. "He is the one who sent me on a suicide mission to Somalia."

"You're not dead," Tony said,, his eyes narrowing.

"Well, he thought it was a suicide mission. I doubt he even believed that NCIS was capable of outdoing Mossad!" I nearly shouted, overreacting to the situation. "He cannot just play innocent when he feels he needs to rope me back in!"

"Maybe that's not what he's doing," Tony argued. "You said yourself, the questions sounded genuinely concerned for you well-being and not like his normal manipulation. What does that mean anyway?"

"He manipulates people, Tony! That is what Eli David does," I shouted back at him, getting up and preparing to walk out "How the hell do you think I ended up staying in Israel! I certainly didn't want to stay there! This is my home! He didn't like it! He manipulated me into believing I needed him and Mossad! I'm not going back to that routine!"

I turned on my heels, but by the time I got to the doorway of the room, Tony had caught up to me and grabbed my arm. He spun me around and pulled me into a hug. Yet, we still had not spoken a word to each other that night or the following morning. Our coworkers were watching us intently as we refused to look at each other and did not speak to each other.

Halfway through the morning, however. I got an email from Tony.

**Ziva, come on, talk to me. I'm dying here! Please! Elevator. Tony.**

I sighed and got up from my desk and walked toward the elevator. I knew Tony was following me. I knew McGee's eyes were on our backs. As I waited for the doors to open I glanced at Gibbs and he gave me a small nod.

The ding of the elevator made me jump and I spun around and got in, leaning my back against the wall. I closed my eyes and waited for Tony to hit the emergency stop switch on it. When the elevator came to halt I opened my eyes again only to meet Tony's, looking at me from directly in front of me, but not touching me.

"I am sorry, Tony," I said quietly. "I overreacted."

"No, I'm sorry. I pushed. When I push you shut down. I should know that by now," Tony said quietly.

"I do need to talk to him. You're right," I said to him, looking right into his eyes. "I'm just not ready to face him, yet, Tony. That's something that will take more than your love to heal."

"But, I shouldn't push," Tony reminded me.

"No, Tony. That is one of the things that I love about you. You call things for what they are," Ziva said. "Even when I do not wish to hear it, you tell me things as they are. You are right. I do need to speak with him. I do need to tell him how I feel. But, that scares me Tony. My father is not exactly the type to care of other people's feelings. He is selfish."

"Take your time, Ziva," Tony said. "You'll talk to him when you're ready. That's who you are and something I love about you. You make the move when it's best for you, which makes you happiest in the end."

"Thank you, Tony," I said quietly and leaned forward and fell into his arms and clung to him tightly.

He reached behind him and hit the emergency stop switch to turn the elevator back on and we arrived back in the squad room only a few moments later. Gibbs was watching us carefully and McGee had a look of confusion on his face. Yesterday had not been easy on either of us, but I was glad that Tony and I had worked it out much quicker than we usually worked out fights.

I nodded to Gibbs and offered him a soft smile, which he returned with a small shake of his head. He did not care how much we fought as long as we worked it out in the end. And, he knew that fights were typically just overreactions from other feelings that lingered from elsewhere.

Tony and I fell back into our old routine of light flirting, bickering over nothing, and casual bantering. Gibbs laughed as the end of the day drew near and he let us go right at five. Tony and I rode down in the elevator again and climbed into his car to head home.

* * *

McGee's POV

I watched Tony and Ziva get into the car. They had been acting strange all week. I called Abby immediately and she was going to come over to my place so we could discuss what had gone on throughout the week, because she wanted me to keep her updated on all of the stuff that she missed upstairs. It was a lot this week.

At first, Tony and Ziva had had us both extremely confused. We were trying to figure out what was going one between them and we just didn't know. I knew that they both had a date tonight, but I just didn't know how that worked out now that they shared a place and all. They simply refused to answer our questions about sleeping arrangements. Tony would go into some joke and Ziva would just get hostile whenever we asked, so we had stopped asking and Gibbs had gotten tired of hearing us ask and then mot answering.

Then, Thursday was strangest of all. They had gone into the break room and when they came out again, they were not talking to each other. They did not look at each other. It was like they had gotten in some kind of fight but when I asked about it they both refused to answer my questions. They just refused to talk. That was that.

Then, today, all of a sudden, halfway through the morning they got up in the middle of the work day for some kind of chat in the elevator and when they came out again they were like Tony and Ziva again. Not quite like the old Tony and Ziva, but more like the new Tony and Ziva, the confusing Tony and Ziva.

Finally, as I sat there thinking, there was a knock on my door. I knew that Abby must be here. I got up to answer it and there she was, looking like her normal self, wearing her gothic clothing and her dog collar. She came in with a smile on her face.

"So, I have a plan," she said finally.

We had caught up over the phone on our way home from the office. I wondered what her plan was. I looked at her curiously. She had a smile on her face and it spelled nothing but mischief. I knew from personal experience that mischief with Abby was always fun.

"What's the plan Abby?" I asked her.

"Well, Tony and Ziva both have a date tonight and they are too busy all weekend to spend any time with us. So, I say we spring on them around ten tomorrow morning to find out how their dates were. If we have to kidnap them we will," Abby explained to me. "We'll just go to Tony's apartment and knock on his door and refuse to go away until they let us in at the very least. Hopefully we can get them talking. But, seriously, if they are seeing other people then I'm confused as all hell. I mean normally when one of them is seeing another person they are extremely jealous, and Tony and Ziva never end up with their own respective dates at the same time. That's just not how they used to work, but then nothing had been as it used to be since they came back, right? So, we'll spring and talk to them tomorrow morning. By the way that means that I'm sleeping on your couch, Tim, so that way we can both be up and out tomorrow morning and we can ambush them together."

"You're a genius Abby," McGee said. "I love that idea, as long as Ziva doesn't shoot us or kill us with a paper clip."

"So, how about a movie, since I invited myself to spend the night?" Abby asked with a mischievous smile on her face.

"Of course, Abby."

* * *

Ziva's POV

The night had gone well, and Tony and I were definitely back to being us after all that had happened in the last week. I found that I was not too tired of Tony yet. I still wanted to spend every minute that I had with him and that was great!

I woke up the next morning to the smell of eggs in the kitchen. I quickly pulled Tony's shirt on. I walked out to the kitchen and smiled at him as he handed me a plateful of eggs. I sat on the countertop and he stood next to it as we ate. When I was done I hopped down and began to clean up the dishes.

"Thank you for the eggs," I said as he came back into the room.

When he did not answer, I glanced over my shoulder. I knew he was there. I was a little shocked to see him staring at my ass, but I smiled at him and he stepped forward and pressed his body into me.

This was a vulnerable position alright. I stopped what I was doing. I could not concentrate. Tony's hands were careful and cautious. He apparently knew just how vulnerable this position was, and judging by the hesitant look on his face he had guessed that him behind me was something that could remind me of something else.

His right hand moved from my hip down the front as he rested his chin in my shoulder, breathing against my neck. I closed my eyes and gripped the edge of the sink. His hand now touching the skin in the crease of my hip, where my thigh began and my leg ended.

"Tony," I said to him.

"Mm?" he asked, his hand moving slowly to my inner thigh.

I moaned as his hand rested there, still not moving. His other arm was wrapped around my stomach, his thumb tracing comforting circles on my opposite side. My eyes slid closed. His right hand moved a little up, careful not to startle me, considering how we were situated. He was aware of how tense I was.

"Relax, Zi," he whispered in my ear, planting a kiss on my neck. "I'll do nothing you don't want me to, but I'm getting mixed signals right now. If you're uncomfortable with this, I'll stop."

"I... I'm confused," I moaned, as his hand nearly touched the folds of my center. One of his fingers flicked out to just barely trace the outline of my core and my grip tightened on the edge of the sink.

"What about this is confusing?" he asked.

"How I feel," I whispered. "I don't want you to stop… but I... I can't help but remember…."

His hands stopped and stayed still, which caused me to stop talking. I did not want him to do that, but I knew that he was giving me a little space, so to speak, to think more clearly and figure out which was more overpowering, his touch or my memories, and decide what I wanted to do with that.

Tony moved his left hand from my right ribs and placed it gently on my chin, turning my head to look at him.

"I won't hurt you," he promised me, and I closed my eyes, as his right hand moved to my hip. I placed mine on top of it and leaned in, kissing him on the lips.

Our lips parted at the same moment and our tongues began a tango, working in unison. I pulled back from the kiss first and looked him straight in the eyes.

"I know, Tony," I said quietly and rested my forehead against his, feeling his erection in my back as we stood there.

There was a knock on the door. We both sighed.

"I will get it. You cannot answer the door like that," I said, chuckling.

"You're not wearing much, either, Zi," Tony said.

"It is not about what you are wearing, Tony, and that's definitely not your knee," I informed him, laughing as I remembered our time some years ago undercover as a married couple. He laughed too.

"That's the truth," he said, placing one more kiss on my cheek as another knock sounded throughout the apartment.

He let me go and I walked through the living room to the front door and peered through the peep hole. I smirked. This was going to be good. I reached for the door handle as Tony came into the room, looking at me and trying hard to control his body's reaction to the sight of me in his T-shirt.

I opened the door and peeked just my head around it to meet Abby and McGee's eyes looking at me.

"We're coming in," Abby said as she pushed the door opened the rest of the way.

Tony was already beside me by this point, with his arms around my waist. Abby and McGee stopped dead in the doorway, staring at us with matching perplexed expressions on their faces.

* * *

A/N – Well, I left you hanging, because I think the conversation is going to take a little more room than I normally allow for a chapter. Trouble in paradise in the middle, but Tony calling Ziva out, as he always does and them accepting it together. I thought it was nice that they could have an issue and work it out quickly. I think it was important for the couple, since they are partners at work as well. Ziva trying to deal with past problems a little further, and Tony left not knowing if it's okay to push the limits of what she's completely comfortable with. And I can only imagine the looks on Abby and McGee's faces standing in the doorway as they see Tony and Ziva dressed the way they are and Tony holding Ziva close to him. Next chapter ought to be fun to write!


	33. Explanations

A/N – I apologize for not updating sooner. I totaled my car about a week ago and was busy searching for a new one, which was why there was so few updates recently. But, now everything's taken care of and I'm back! I'll get to updating more frequently like I used to. Thank you all for your patience!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters.

* * *

**Chapter 33**

**Explanations**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

_"We're coming in,," Abby said as she pushed the door open the rest of the way._

_Tony was already standing beside me by this point, with his arm around my waist. Abby and McGee stopped dead in the doorway, staring at us with matching perplexed expressions on their faces._

It was silent. It was so silent that you could practically hear everyone's heart beating. I was very aware of myself and of Tony, as well as the expressions on Abby and McGee's faces.

First, I felt Tony's arm tighten around me protectively. He and I had yet to discuss how we were going to break this news to Abby and McGee and I was sorely tempted to steal him away toward the bedroom and talk to him for a moment, if talking was what we would do, except that neither of us had been exactly in the mood to talk before the knock came on the door.

I suddenly felt chilly, as though I needed some extra clothes on. I was aware that my legs were entirely bare and I was not wearing anything other than Tony's shirt. I was also aware that the shirt had rose up my legs just a little under Tony's embrace. I put my arm around his waist, without giving it any thought, feeling as though this was what I needed to get through this slightly awkward moment.

Abby's eyes were scanning up and down me. She took in every aspect. The Ohio State T-shirt, the undone and tangled hair, the lack of make-up for ten in the morning, the bare legs and feet that were free from shoes, my arm around Tony's waist and the way I leaned into him as he held me. Then, she proceeded to scan Tony. She searched his eyes, his bare chest, his boxers, his arm around me, and the way he looked at me.

McGee's jaw dropped, his eyes were wide, but refused to look either me or Tony directly in the eyes, though he could not take his eyes off us and the way we were dressed and standing in his apartment.

We all stood there silently for a moment before I managed to find my composure. I took a steadying breath, and as I relaxed, I could feel Tony relax next to me. This was not unnoticed by Abby, though McGee was still too busy trying hard not to look at either of us.

"Come in and sit down," I offered and moved out of their way.

Both Abby and McGee slowly made their way around us and sat down on the leather couch, noticing that there were random clothes strewn a little throughout the apartment, belonging to both Tony and I.

Tony's arm left my waist and he pushed the door closed. Then, he turned to face me.

"I'm going to go finish the breakfast dishes," he said quietly, though it was loud enough for our guests to hear.

"I can finish them, Tony," I said, narrowing my eyes a little at him.

He leaned it. "It's just Abby and McGee. They can't possibly harm you. If they do, you know where to find me."

I smiled at his words and pressed a kiss to his cheek before allowing him to return to the kitchen to finish up with what I had been trying to do before he distracted me. I turned to Abby and McGee who were still staring.

"I will be back in two minutes. I am going to get dressed," I said quietly and left the living room before either of them could protest, argue, or ask questions.

I nearly ran into Tony's bedroom and found a pair of shorts to throw on under Tony's shirt, but left the shirt on. I pulled my hair into a sloppy ponytail and re-entered the living room at the same time as Tony. I handed him another T-shirt so he could throw it on. He thanked me for it and nodded his head at me.

We sat down on the other end of the couch that our friends were sitting on. Their heads followed our movements, neither one of them speaking. Abby regained her thoughts before McGee did and she went with whatever line of questioning she had had planned before they had walked in.

"So, how were the dates last night?"

Tony and I looked at each other, realizing that she was assuming we went on separate dates. We shared a smile and decided to be honest.

"My date was fantastic. He took me to a very nice restaurant then we returned here," I said honestly.

"Tony was okay with that?"

"Yes, Abby, I was," Tony said with a smile playing at his lips.

"What about your date Tony?" Abby asked.

"Same deal. We went to a nice restaurant and returned here," he told her.

"And Ziva was okay with that?" she asked, her eyes narrowed, really hoping that she didn't have to come right out and say whatever she was thinking.

"Yes, Abby. Actually, it made me quite happy," I said honestly and smiled directly at Tony.

"What are the sleeping arrangements?" McGee asked, finally regaining his focus and asking the old question that had long been dropped.

"Tony and I share his bed," I said quietly. "We have since I returned. You see, this is only a one bedroom apartment so therefore neither of us were willing to let the other sleep on the couch long term and it seemed like a waist of money to buy a second bed with nowhere to put it."

"Where are you dates now?" Abby asked, going back to what she thought her line of questioning was going to be originally.

"Still here," Tony said, wrapping his arm around my middle.

"Would you two just say it already?" McGee asked.

"What would you like us to say, McGee?" Tony asked with a smile on his face.

"That you're together!" Abby exclaimed. "You're together. You're breaking rule twelve. You're doing what Gibbs always tells us not to do. You're sleeping together. You're dating. You're living together officially. You're sharing a bedroom. You're sharing more than just a bed. You're doing something! Would you just say something. I can't believe I missed this all week. Has it been going on more than a week? How long has this been going on. Was it going on before you went to Israel? Was it going on when Rivkin was still alive? How long? I want to know! I want to know the details too, but I won't ask that much of you. Just say something and stop leaving your family in the dark about what are you doing! When are you going to tell Gibbs? What will you do if he says to call it off? What will we do if he decides that he's going to fire one of you because you refuse to call it off? Why would you risk your working relationship in such a way? What if it doesn't work out? What happens when you two break up?"

"Abby," I said warningly.

"No, Ziva! Don't 'Abby' me!" Abby shouted, standing up and facing us. "This is very serious! I mean, you started something when you are both in the line of fire sometimes. You both have dangerous jobs and you are dating. Are you going to favor each other over McGee and Gibbs, because that's just wrong. What happens when one of you is in danger and your personal emotions get involved in your work! How are you going to handle that?"

"Abby," Tony said.

"What?" Abby snapped.

"Abby, Gibbs already knows," I said. "Actually, if I am not much mistaken, he encouraged this. He knows that we're together. He knows how we feel about each other. He gave this an okay, not just to me, but to Tony as well. You are overreacting. We know the risks. We took the risks. I did not even know if I would ever get my job back, Abby. We will not risk the rest of the family for what we have. We will keep doing our job the way we have always done our job."

"Listen, Abby. Ziva and I have always had a thing for each other. Over the time that we've known each other its only grown, no matter how much we tried to ignore it," Tony said. "We're well aware that it is a risk. We're well aware that if it doesn't work out something bad can happen to the team. But, we're both committed to making sure that doesn't happen. This is what Ziva and I want and it isn't just some stupid fling. That's why Gibbs is okay with it. Trust me, he's seen feelings in both of us that neither of you have seen. We've both turned to Gibbs when we needed to."

"Okay. I was planning on coming here to yell at you both for doing this to each other, dating someone else when you were living together for the time," Abby said honestly, looking totally at a loss. "I think that line needs to be changed. Tony you're first. What the hell were you thinking? She just got back from a terrorist training camp in Somalia? Don't you know that she needs time to heal?"

"I am aware of that, Abby," Tony said. "Trust me. I am more than aware of that. If you don't remember, it was my idea to go to that terrorist training camp in the first place. It was me that Ziva turned to. She has talked to me and she had trusted me. And we've gone at her pace not mine."

"Ziva, you're turn. What are you thinking? Isn't this against like international laws or something? I mean, are you still a foreign operative? And what about the time you need to heal from what you've been through? Does that matter at all? Or how about the fact that you are never ready to talk about anything with anyone? Don't you realize that hurts Tony more than anything?"

"I talk to Tony," I said. "I talk to him about everything. Trust me, he knows more about me than most do. Second, I guess technically I am still a foreign operative but I refuse to be a member of Mossad, no matter how much paperwork they are refusing to do to make me no longer a member of Mossad. So, yes, technically this is against the rules in very many ways, but no one cares. Vance does not care and Gibbs does not care. Those are the people who matter. Third, I have healed mostly. I am still healing, yes, but I have healed enough for this. Tony has been wonderful. I have actually had to push him a little sometimes. I am ready. Tony has been wonderful."

"Are you two… you know?" McGee asked.

"Yes," we said at the same time.

"What?" Abby nearly shouted.

"Abby, listen to me," I said sternly, standing up and taking both of her hands in mine. "Tony has been wonderful. He was a gentlemen in more ways than I care to share. He did not push anything on me. And, he knows what I went through there, you do not. He is careful when he needs to be. He backs off when he needs to. He has been here every step of the way and I could not have done this or come this far without his help. I trust Tony more than anyone in the world. He will not hurt me and I know that."

Abby was nearly confused by my words. I could tell that there was no getting through to that girl at that moment. It would sink in eventually. My face was flushed red and I could feel it.

"Besides," Tony added. "Gibbs orders. Take care of her. Don't hurt her or I'll hurt you."

"My orders from Gibbs," I continued. "Trust him. And trust me Abby, Gibbs knows in what ways I trusted Tony before I left. You were not the only one to receive a letter from me. I sent one to everyone. I told Gibbs everything then. I already trusted Tony with my life and my heart. I had only one thing left to trust him with."

"Your body," Abby said quietly, finally starting to get it. "But, why would Gibbs order that."

"Ziva had turned to Gibbs about some dreams she was having, totally unrelated to Somalia," Tony explained. "Obviously it was a sign. I don't know exactly what was talked about between them, but it had something to do with the new dreams she was having."

"Sex dreams?" Abby asked, her eyes going wide. "And who was in those dreams Ziva?"

"Tony," she said simply, smiling. "Still is."

She blushed. Tony blushed. Abby blushed. McGee shook his head.

"Well, looks like you two have finally done it," McGee said with a smile on his face. "Abby, we should go and give them privacy. This intervention is over. "They're perfect for each other. And they trust each other."

"Do you love each other, though?"

"More than I know how to say, Abby," Tony said, showing his love on his face as his eyes met mine and I smiled at him.

"I would have to agree with that statement," I said quietly and returned to my place on the couch next to Tony. "I am sorry I did not make plans with you, Abby. Tony and I had some talking to do. You text me the morning after that first time. We needed to make sure we could work it out and we did not want just a one night thing."

"His past…."

"Is in the past," Tony said. "That's where I would like to leave it, if you don't mind. I'm growing up. It's time you all started to realize that. Ziva is who I want and Ziva is who I'm going to keep."

"But…."

"Discussion's over, Abby," McGee said, standing up and pulling Abby from the apartment. "We'll leave you two to whatever you were doing before we knocked. Sorry for the interruption."

And the door closed behind them. Tony and I turned to each other and laughed at them. Abby was bent out of shape, certainly, but I understood her worried too well. McGee was calm and collected, like he always was, so there was nothing I could do to fix that. I was happy and Tony was happy and that was what mattered most. They would get used to it and they would see that we could make this work.


	34. It Takes a Major Adjustment in Thoughts

A/N – here's another chapter for you. I tried to do an Abby's POV, something I've never tried before. I hope it worked out okay. Let me know what you think after you've read it.

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

* * *

**Chapter 34**

**It Takes a Major Adjustment in Thoughts**

**Washington, DC**

Abby's POV

"Discussion's over, Abby," Tim said, standing up and pulling me from Tony's apartment, well their apartment. That was so weird! "We'll leave you two to whatever you were doing before we knocked. Sorry for the interruption."

Tim finished dragging me out of there and pulled the door closed behind him. I struggled. I wanted to finish asking my questions. I couldn't wrap my mind around it. He pushed my back into the wall and I flinched, snapping into focus on what was in front of me. Tim, thankfully, didn't speak. He let me think, but still held me against the wall.

I thought back to what just happened. When I had gone into Tony's apartment (_their apartment_, I reminded myself), they were standing together. Tony was staring at Ziva and Ziva was glancing at Tony. But, it was the way they were dressed (_or not dressed_, I thought) that had scared me and made me stop walking in. Tony was wearing only boxers, which was to be expected. But, Ziva! Ziva was wearing one of Tony's shirts and nothing on the bottom. I doubted she was even wearing underwear of any kind (_what a change!_)

_But it was beyond just her clothes! Her hair was a mess, too! No make-up at all, hair not brushed or done in anyway!_

I sighed. Her hair had been a mess. It looked like someone had just finished running their hands through it and the only one that had been there was Tony. What was I supposed to think about this? I realized that playing it cool had been the wrong act, because I had made myself believe that Tony and Ziva couldn't possibly be together. That was wrong. It made it more shocking when they revealed that they were together.

_The sleeping arrangements_, I told myself. I had asked constantly over the past week, and so had McGee, to figure out what those sleeping arrangements were in a one-bedroom apartment that they were sharing. I had hoped that one of them was sleeping on the couch or an air-mattress, or they had bought another bed. But, the fact that over the last week they constantly changed the subject, joked, ignored us, or walked away when that question was asked should have told me that they were sharing a bed and didn't want to admit it to us.

They admitted it today. That was huge. Tony and Ziva sharing a bed was strange enough, then throw in the fact that one month ago we brought Ziva home from Somalia where she had been abused and probably raped. That was huge trust on her part. Was Tony pushing her? Was she asking Tony to share a bed with her? What was going through their minds when they decided it was okay to share a bed? When did they start sharing a bed?

I didn't want the answer to those questions, because I thought I knew most of the answers. Ziva obviously trusted Tony more than she trusted any other man that she had ever met. That was answered later in the discussion. I had gathered that information when we were talking and guessed it correctly.

Tony and Ziva were together. Why couldn't I wrap my head around it. They were definitely together. They were breaking rule twelve. But, they were breaking it with permission from Gibbs. They were sleeping together and not sleeping together in the same bed. They were dating. They were living together officially and not as a temporary arrangement anymore. Ziva had no plans of leaving there and I could see it clearly on her face. They were really together. They were closer than ever and more trusting than ever and they were together in every possible way.

I thought about them over the last week. Tim and I had been easy on Ziva, since we knew she had gone through hell. But, not Tony. Tony had treated her as he always treated her, looked at her as he had always looked at her, and flirted with her as he had always flirted with her. But, there were changes there, too. Tony's eyes shown when he looked at her. A smile crossed her face every time their eyes met. They stood closer and clung a little more. They got along better. They worked great together, better than before if that was possible.

Apparently them being together was good for the team. But, what would happen if something were to happen in the field to put all of them in danger. That was scary with so many obvious emotions involved. This was a dangerous job, and we all knew that. Were they scared? What would they do? I saw Tony when Ziva was in Somalia, I knew he couldn't handle being away from her, thinking she was dead. Tony had been so broken. This job was not good for that. But, if they had each other, perhaps they could talk it out.

They had given me quite a lot to think about in their explanation. Gibbs knew already. He approved and he knew that they were together. Gibbs encouraged them to be together. That was too much to take in by itself. My mind had instantly rejected it. But, the way Gibbs looked at them, his whole face lit up when they shared a look or stood too close to one another. I could see it now. Gibbs really did approve of those two being together.

It was true. Ziva and Tony had always had a thing going there. They were made for each other. They were perfect. They had been in love for a long time and we all knew it. But now they were acting on it, which was something that I should have expected, instead of watching them run around each other like scared teenagers.

Did Tony push her? He said he hadn't. He had looked like he was being honest with me. Ziva was uncomfortable with that question. She had moved instantly to Tony's side. There were still parts of Ziva that needed to heal. _Five weeks_, I reminded myself. That was how long Ziva had been out of that terrorist camp in Somalia. _Only five weeks_. And, Tony had made some excellent points with that.

Ziva had turned to him right away. I remembered Tim telling me what they were like in Somalia. Ziva's eyes had had no light in them, he told me. Except then she looked at Tony and it was like hope suddenly returned to her eyes, though she was trying to hide it until she learned that he had a plan to get them all out of there. That was also when Tony's determination to get out of there alive came back. They had clung to each other and Ziva had turned to him for help with anything she needed and had clung to him every minute that they had been on the return trip home. _And apparently hasn't stopped clinging to him since she got back_, I thought.

The thought of Ziva talking to Tony, turning to him and opening up fully to him was magnificent and one that took all my mind to understand. She had always avoided it. Now I knew why though. Ziva was always a foreign operative and off-limits to Tony, just as much as he was off-limits to her. Now, however, she was in the process of becoming an American citizen and they were no longer so off limits. She was still technically a foreign operative. I wondered what kind of repercussions that could have. I stopped that thought. I didn't want to think of them getting into trouble for being in love.

As far as the physical side. I had asked Ziva what she was thinking. It couldn't be easy for her to get physical with him if she was, indeed, raped while she was in Somalia, could it? How could she trust a man after that? I had never been in any situation close to that and I had trust issues with men. I couldn't imagine what kind of issues that would present to the physical side of a new relationship. Perhaps cuddling and clinging was enough when you were so in love with the other person. Perhaps Tony understood a little better than I did. I didn't know. I shook my head as Tim continued watching me.

They were doing the deed, though. Tim had asked. They were having sex with each other. I had been struck with disbelief at the vulnerability I saw in each of my coworkers (_and friends,_ I told myself). That meant that they were only speaking the truth. They were in fact having sex with one another.

Ziva's honesty had made me want to cry. I thought about her words. They were powerful.

**_"Abby, listen to me," she said sternly, standing up and taking both of my hands in hers. "Tony has been wonderful. He was a gentleman in more ways than I care to share. He did not push anything on me. And, he knows what I went through there, you do not. He is careful when he needs to be. He backs off when he needs to. He has been here every step of the way and I could not have done this or come this far without his help. I trust Tony more than anyone in the world he will not hurt me and I know that."_**

Her words had confused me at the time she spoke them. They had not penetrated my skull. But, I realized the severity of her words. She really trusted Tony. It was not just as a partner at work, which was all I had seen before today. She trusted Tony with her heart, soul, and body, too. She trusted him in the most intimate of ways and I had seen it on her face when she spoke to me.

But, Tony's past. Ziva's past. They didn't line up. Tony was a playboy and Ziva was a Mossad assassin. Did those two things go together? Were there pasts really in their past?

I thought about it. I had not seen Ziva give anyone a glare like she wanted to kill them in a long while. I had not seen her sneak up on anyone in the past week. And, Tony. Since he returned to work he had not flirted with one girl. He had not even looked at one girl. But, it had been longer than that that his eyes stayed in his own boundaries, which were far tighter than any other boundaries that anyone could have set for him.

It was around the time when Gibbs left for Mexico. Tony had stopped his wandering eyes. He had stopped his one night stands. He had stopped dating a new girl every other night. He was spending more time with Ziva then, and I had though then that it was going to happen. But, it didn't then. It wouldn't, I had thought at the time. Jeanne had nearly broken those two for good, but somehow they had worked it out. Rivkin had nearly destroyed her trust in him, or reinforced it, however you looked at it. They got through it. Now Somalia. They were getting through it.

If they could get through those three things plus the stuff from the year before, then I guessed that they could get through anything.

"They're really together," I said to McGee, noticing how close to me he was.

Tim had one hand on my shoulder and the other on my side. His arms were bent and his body was nearly touching mine. His head was leaning in as though he was reading my eyes for whatever I was thinking about. Our noses were about two inches apart. I stared into his blue eyes for a moment, allowing my eyes to linger there longer than I normally would have done.

My heart started pounding heavily in my chest. I could feel blood rushing to my cheeks. I could feel the nervousness as he stood there, strong and proud, holding me in my place against the wall.

It had been a long time since he and I had a little fling. It was before Ziva's time and as far as I knew she didn't know about it. But, if her and Tony were talking, maybe she did know about it already. Perhaps he had shared that with her as part of the opening up, since it wasn't exactly a secret we had shared.

"Yes, Abby, they are," McGee said, not letting go of me.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Clearing my head and gently pushed Tim away from me. "We should go, then," I said quietly.

He nodded and took my wrist, leading me toward the elevator that led downstairs and away from Tony and Ziva's apartment. That was so weird! Thinking of them being together, living together, sleeping together, loving each other!

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Ziva's POV

We stared at the door for a moment and then heard someone's back hitting the wall outside of our apartment. I smirked.

"I wonder when they will finally get their act together," I said.

"They did once, you know. But, it was just a fling," Tony said quietly. "But, you're right. The emotions obviously run deeper than a past fling. Working with someone and loving them when you can't tell them that is difficult."

I turned to face Tony now. "You're right," I whispered and walked up to him, leaning my body against his. "I do trust you, Tony."

"I know you do. I've seen it," he said quietly. "But you were right, you aren't completely healed. In the kitchen… you were afraid, right?"

"I was a little confused," I said honestly. "Yes, I was terrified. But, I also trusted you and didn't know how to feel about it."

"That's why I stopped," Tony said.

"But I did not want you to stop or continue," I laughed.

"You'll get there," Tony promised me putting his arms around me neck and pushing me backward toward the door. "What were you afraid of?"

"Memories, Tony," I admitted to him.

"Of Somalia?" he asked.

"Yes," I whispered, nodding.

"Behind?" he asked and I knew what he was asking. He wanted to know if that was how Saleem preferred to force me into things, from behind.

"But not standing up," I told him.

Tony nodded with a pained look in his eyes. He searched my eyes and I didn't know what he was seeing there as my back reached the door. My breath caught in my throat just a little, but he did not make any other move to touch me or reach for me.

"How?" he asked seriously.

"On my stomach," I whispered, not really wanting to talk about it, but not really wanting to hide it from him. "I was chained to the dirt floor in the room next to the room you were in. I had stopped fighting for a long while. When Saleem told me there were two NCIS agents there, though, I fought. I got free of the chains and I fought him. Do you remember the black eye he had?"

Tony nodded, his face showing no emotions. He was unable to fully comprehend the change in fighting or not fighting and I could see that in his eyes, which always told me what he didn't know how to say.

"I had to fight if there was even a remote possibility that you were there," I explained. "I could not allow that man to violate me if there was some chance of escaping. There had been no chance before, which was why I didn't try too hard to break free. But, with NCIS agents there, I had to fight. I had to protect what was yours."

Tony smiled and leaned a little closer. "Are you uncomfortable talking about it?" he asked and I shook my head now. "Were you uncomfortable with me behind you?"

I shook my head again. "With you there, no," I clarified. "But, it was more difficult because I had to feel that it was you rather than see that it was you. It took more trust. Trust that I realized I had for you, especially when you stopped seeing that I had some fears."

Tony pressed his lips to mine, hearing my words. My arms instantly wrapped around his neck, my hands finding his hair and tangling in it as his hands roamed my upper body. I could really get used to him being there. He pulled away.

"Shower?" he asked.

I smiled mischievously. "Sounds like a plan," I said in a seductive tone that made him moan and I laughed, taking his hand and leading him into the bathroom.


	35. Missed Phone Call

A/N – Steamy in the beginning and some of you getting your wishes to see what was going on the kitchen earlier to continue. I appreciate the feedback that this story is getting. You're all great for reading and reviewing!

Disclaimer – I don't own NCIS or the characters

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**Chapter 35**

**Missed Phone Call**

**Washington, DC**

Ziva's POV

The bathroom door closed as Tony entered behind me and his hands were already at my hips, over his shorts, which I had grabbed from the drawer when Abby and McGee had shown up not so long ago. I stopped moving. I leaned back into him a little as his lips captured my neck. I tilted my head, enjoying the feel of Tony on me, allowing my eyes to slide closed as his thumbs hooked through the elastic on his shorts that I wore.

He slid them down slowly, not allowing them to fall, making sure that he was deliberate and slow, now knowing how much trust I was giving him right at the moment. I gasped as his hands worked their way back up the outside of my legs and toward my bare hips. My hands found his waist as I made to turn around. He held me where I was and his hand slipped between my legs, touching the folds of my center. I put my hands on the wall, melting at his touch and gasping for air.

His other hand left my waist for a moment. Then, I felt him pressing against my backside and his hand tugging at the bottom of my shirt. I helped him and removed the article of clothing. His free hand reached up to grab my breast as his fingers slipped inside me. I moaned, pushing my hips backward into him, feeling that he was already hard for me.

He leaned into me. "Let me know if something isn't okay," he whispered in my ear.

"Ooohh… kay," I moaned heavily, feeling the tension in my body already rising.

He took his wiggled his fingers a little more, causing me to gasp in pleasure and then removed them. I half-moaned, half-whined. But, then, I felt the tip of him slide between my legs and my hips jerked back to meet him. His tip slid just a little into me and I wanted more. It was Tony, after all, and I could trust him with everything.

Slowly, he slid into me a little at a time, causing me to moan at least twice at the need to have more of him. He finally pushed the rest of the way into me and allowed me a moment to adjust to his size. I was shuddering from the pleasure that I was getting from him. He wrapped an arm around my middle and left his other hand massaging and kneading my breasts. His mouth found my neck while he took full pleasure in my body and began to slowly move in and out in such a tender and loving fashion.

"Tony…," I moaned, wanting more. He couldn't see my eyes. He paused and when I whined he continued, getting the hint and moving just a little faster and a little deeper. The pressure inside me was building slowly and making its way toward a climax, but not getting all the way there yet.

His pace quickened, feeling me tense a little and he pushed as far into me as he could with the angle. My breath grew ragged and I could feel his hot and uneven breaths on my shoulder as he attacked my neck one more time, pulling me as close to him as we could get. Two more thrusts and I was thrown over the edge, my muscles clenching hard on him. He moaned at the sensation, but somehow held on, even though I could feel the hardness of him and knew that he had to be close.

After coming down from the high, I moved away from him long enough to spin around. He pushed me roughly into the wall and re-entered me more forcefully than he had done ever. He grabbed my ass and picked me up from the floor and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he thrust in and out of me at a high speed. Already I was on the edge one more time. I latched my mouth onto his and squeezed my eyes shut tightly as the pressure built inside both of us.

"Let go, Zi," he nearly growled against my lips as his tongue found mine again.

I followed his command and went toppling over the edge, just as he lost his control and couldn't hold on any longer. I could feel my inner walls clenching and releasing as he spilled, throbbing deep in my core. My whole body was tensed around him as he gave a final thrust to push my orgasm on longer. I moaned a long and low sound that made him smile.

"Have I ever told you how much I love you?" Tony asked.

"I think I have a pretty good idea," I whispered as I managed to catch my breath.

I unhooked my legs from him and placed them back on the floor, as he left me. I felt a little unsteady on my feet and he held me in place, kissing me passionately on the lips.

"I love you so very much," he said. "There are no words."

"I cannot live without you," I whispered back to him. "That's how much."

He nodded in agreement, reaching next to him, without letting go of his hold on me and turning on the shower. We both stepped in. He took my shampoo and I frowned at him. He gave me a look and I turned. He washed my hair, gently rubbing his fingers through it and massaging my scalp. The sensation was amazing. This was an incredibly simple act, yet so intimate.

Then, I washed his hair. We continued the rest of the shower in that way and then got out and dried off. I wrapped the towel around me and made my way to the bedroom. There was a light on my phone telling me I had a message or something.

I looked over to his, near mine on the nightstand, but a different color, for the simple fact that we needed to know whose phone was whose. His was blinking as well. I tossed it to him wordlessly and he caught it, looking at it.

"Oops," he said with a chuckle. "Four missed calls from Gibbs."

"I've got five," I said. "And a voicemail."

"I don't have a voicemail," Tony complained.

I hit the button and called the voicemail and turned it onto speaker phone.

"You need to actually answer the phone, David and DiNozzo," the voice of Gibbs said quietly, but obviously angrily. I sighed and heard Tony mimic my sigh perfectly.

I called Gibbs.

"About time," he said. "The first call was over an hour ago!"

"I am sorry, Gibbs," I said to him. "I was… we were…."

"Never be unreachable; it is rule number three. That's a very important rule that both of you broke just now," Gibbs said angrily. "We've got a case. I need you to meet us at NCIS headquarters. We're almost done with the crime scene. You two better have a goddamn good excuse as to why you weren't near your phones, or were ignoring your phones."

"We weren't near them, boss," Tony said. "They were in the bedroom and we were not."

"Where the hell were you without your phones?" he asked, sounding furious.

"Bathroom," I said simply as Tony's face went slightly pink and I chuckled at the sight, thinking that Tony would never blush about something like that.

"Ah," Gibbs said thoughtfully. "I guess I see why you didn't take your phones in there. Don't let it happen again when you're supposed to be on call, okay?"

"We'll try, boss, no promises," Tony said. "We just need to get dressed, then we'll be on the way."

"Good. Don't get distracted on the way and thank you for being completely honest, DiNozzo, because I know it'll happen again," Gibbs said with a sigh.

We both chuckled as we looked at each other, knowing that not getting distracted was complicated and difficult for us. I hung up the phone and found some clothes.

"We need to do laundry when we get a chance. I am almost out of clothes," I told Tony.

"Me too, but someone keeps wearing mine," Tony said with a fake pout on his face that made me chuckle and walk over and kiss him.

"And I appreciate that," I whispered in his ear before grabbing the keys to his car and leaving the apartment with him following close behind me.

I went around to the passenger side of the car and tossed him the keys, which he caught easily and unlocked the car for us. We arrived after McGee and Gibbs. Abby was there in the squad room looking at us as though we had failed somehow.

"I knew it would distract them from work," she said in a huff.

"Give them a break, Abs," Gibbs said. "It's new and it's approved. Leave it alone. It'll take them a while to get through this phase, but they'll get through it and find a more appropriate schedule for when to do the deed."

Abby made a face and walked off toward the elevators. She glanced back at us to find us stunned. I shrugged and sat down at my desk. McGee's face was pink at the turn that the conversation had taken and Tony was grinning from ear to ear as Gibbs looked ready to head-slap someone.

"What's with her attitude?" Gibbs asked.

"She thinks we'll ruin the dynamic of the team," Tony said honestly. "McGee and Abby came knocking this morning while Ziva and I were a little less dressed than we are now."

"Tell me you didn't answer the door in the middle of something?" he questioned seriously.

"Not that stupid boss," Tony said with pink on his face. "Just woke up and hadn't put daytime clothes on yet."

"Then what caused the need for the shower?" he asked.

"Um… not a shower," I said uncomfortably, also feeling my face growing hot and color rising into my cheeks.

He nodded in understanding.

"Do any of you mind sparing me some of the details?" McGee asked and all three of us chuckled. "I mean, just because I'm not entirely on Abby's side of this doesn't mean that I need to hear it. And, what I mean by that is, the team dynamic already changed and its better now that you two are together and not fighting all the time. She just thinks that's what normal is after everything. She's terrified that something will change for the worse and then you two will break up or something. You know how Abby is, she overreacts to things and this is only included in that thought. If something happens between the two of you and it doesn't end well, the team is forever changed and probably not in a good way."

"Not going to go like that if I have anything to say about it," Tony said quietly. "I'm happy."

"I've never been this happy before, McGee," I explained. "Tony and I are not just some fling. We are not one person attached and one person detached and I know that, too. I know how I feel about him and he knows how he feels about me. It is not going to end badly as long as I have anything to say about it, either."

McGee simply nodded and turned back to his computer to continue his work. Tony and I both were briefed by Gibbs who filled us in on the case. It was a rape and a murder. That caused me to shudder.

"You need to step away from it, Ziva, all you have to do is ask. You know I'll grant it," Gibbs mentioned to me. "If you need a minute to gather yourself, just take it."

I nodded and closed my eyes with a deep sigh. It was just difficult seeing that many that go through this are no longer living to revive from it. It was depressing to me to think that I had been hoping for that same fate and now I knew that it would have been a grave error if I had gotten my wish of death.

I shook it off and began working on the murder aspects of the case, not needing to keep my face composed, because it was not like I had not witnessed plenty of death in my life. That was my job, in some form, for all of my life. I was either assassinating because people had killed, or I was solving crimes that often dealt with death. It was no longer a difficult thing for me until someone I was close to died.


End file.
